fix you...

there are a hundred million things running through my head at the mo. grandpa jim, my mom, my dad, work, some new developments with characters from my past... and my heart is still full, but less explosive.

i lived in london for a while in 2005. probably, the best year of my life. we called ourselves the bounds green massive. layla, jesse, harriet, morgan, alix, arna, pete, mike. we were american, welsh, brits and islandic. it was a magical group of people.... sometimes we would just sit on the floor of the living/morgan's room and play shuffle on our ipods. for hours. they introduced me to the music that is still constantly in my head: faithless, the killers, sigur ros, goldfrapp, nitin sawhney. i could go on for hours.

one night harriet and i listened to this one on repeat for hours. it was still newish. the 7 july bombings were still fresh on everybody's minds. i had come from an incredibly emotional summer at brown ledge. so we unloaded on each other, and listened to this one a lot.

i miss london so much. and yesterday i had a session with a brilliant man from london who is leaving the country tomorrow. ugh. but, he invited me to come to london... he doesn't know me very well, but, probably, i will show up on his doorstep and surprise the shit out of him. now if i could just get his address...

anywhoodle, not much to say for today. just thought i'd unload that beauty of a video on you. have a great weekend!

full...

oh my heart. it's so full. my ears are full. my eyes are full. i think i will overflow in a moment. do you ever have that feeling that you need to hug someone? i mean, really really really need to hug someone?

choose one, love or fear?

i just got off the phone with my mom. big red is the most important person in my life. and if you know me, you know that this is truth. anyways, whilst on the phone, she cried. and she really cried. what's the proportion of the universe's harmony equal too? apparently, my grandfather, her father, was picked up somewhere (no one is very clear about it) by someone (no one is very clear about it) and taken to a hospital. grandpa jim has alzheimer's (the cruelest disease on the planet). kaiser will not release him because it is their opinion that he cannot take care of himself. they are demanding that my mom either come pick him up right now and put him in a home, or they will send him to a home. of their choice. she lives 63 miles from panorama city. and she's still at work.

a side note: grandpa jim's wife, lois, is not currently living at home because she fell off the front porch last month and her daughter has taken her to live at her house. (and let me say, when two folks with alzheimer's are separated... shit hits the fan. they relied on each other as the only stability still recognizable). he misses her so much. so much. last sunday, my mom took grandpa jim to see lois. they went on a date to denny's for a hot fudge sunday.

it's the hardest thing to attain. cause it's freedom when you're detained. leave it to me and i'll explain, cause it's dear to me... like my mommy and daddy and sister and wifey.

the home that kaiser wants to send him to costs $5000 per month. ya. cash money. five thousand. his current income is $963 per month. from social security. who can pay that?

ps. grandpa jim is 93. lois is 90. he is the most brilliant man i've ever known. right up there with my dad. someday, when i'm less full, i'll tell you more about him. he's got a lifetime of stories that are pretty remarkable. who's to say what my words are?

my mom asked me to listen. she needed to ask rhetorical questions. she needed me to not tell her what to do. and, it was one of the hardest things for me to do. because i needed to grab her and hold her so tight to me. the energy i put forth can sink an army weight. she doesn't want to fail him. she promised him she would take care of him. he called her last night from the hospital at 11:30. "come pick me up from jail. how can you leave me here in jail? i'm your father. why won't you come and get me?"

"layla. i. don't. know. what. to. do."

what do i say to my mom?

here's what i said...

i love you so much.

i love you.

i love you so much.

that's all i could think of. and what i was really thinking was, what the fuck are we supposed to do? i wouldn't ask you if i didn't admire you, so what's between i and you? what's the ocean breeze, why do men get on they knees? what would you do?

here's the really awful part. (don't read this next bit if you don't want to...) what would my dad do? he would never put me in this situation. never. never make me figure out how to take care of him. he's got his life all planned out. in true tony guest fashion. it's. all. planned. time marches into the canvases of uncertainty. damaging our predictions and conditions we set like amnesty. i'm hard to hate. christ, he's already got burial plots. (one for him, one for my mom, one for me, and an extra... just in case i want to bring a friend) he just told me i should put him on an iceberg and give a push. tell him i love him and wave goodbye.

full. see?

there's no happy ending at the moment. well, we all love each other. and we've said it to each other approximatively (sic) eleventy million times today. that's pretty beautiful.

send my mom and grandpa jim the most beautiful energy you've got, ok? i'd really appreciate it. i'll send some your way too!

love.

that's what's up...

words by k'naan. spoken love from my life is a movie. love found here.

currently listening...

the entire discography of:
ryan adams
devotchka
florence + the machine

all muddled into one big ass playlist.

genius.

all the sand in all the sea.

this video moves me. physically and viscerally. my heart rate changes when i hear it. and even though the last time i saw devotchka live, i had had one (or seven) too many whiskey drinks, i remember how it made me feel. unreal. i predict you will like it too. here's the part that always gets me...

speaking of brill. have i told you about my new pal TH? he's a real genius. and, i know i throw that word around just i like i do glitter, but i think that on the charts that measure this kind of stuff... he's an actual genius.

well in the last few weeks i've had several ridiculous conversations with TH, but also a few convos with JT about the TH chats, am i confusing you? go with me. (btdubs... did i mention that the two of them are uncannily twin-like. dopplegangers like i've never seen before. ugh. swoon till next tuesday).

i have been telling those two boys for weeks that they have to meet and stare at each other because, 1. they would think that i had put a mirror in front of them and 2. they are both awesome and would have insane conversations. probably, i would just stare and swoon at them as they talk about equity accelerators, geothermal plants, nietzsche, drugs and bikes. waiting for the drums to kick in, you want to free your earthbound limbs. i'll pop in for a head nod or an 'mmmm hmmm.'

i am gonna count to three. then you are leaving here with me.

TH is an exceptional wizard, a math-guy. (don't ever tell him i said that. he doesn't like to think of himself that way) but he thinks very analytically. and quickly. he's the reasonable one in the group. he's got an answer to everything... but not an answer like i would come up with... just go upside down, get your ass over your head and tell the universe what you need. it'll come to you... he's a real decision-maker. (i've asked him to be available to me at all times so that he can make all of my decisions that i don't want to make and then rile me up).

JT is a thinker. majored in philosophy. could sit for eighteen hours and think about all of the possibilities for as many things as he could come up with. perhaps, never finding an answer, but falling in love with nine-hundred thoughts. and then if someone else makes a decision involving him, he'll run with that too... be in every moment.

and me. ? i think with my kinesphere. with my visceral sphere. most of the time i cannot remember the details of our exact conversation, but i can sure as shit remember how it made me feel. i think slowly and choose the words that i want to say as though it were specific choreography. but, then sometimes i forget about all that and start shouting my feelings out loud with no filter at all. oy. i'm a handful. often. and at best. 

so the three of us together? i think it will be magic. i will be crushed if it isn't. remind me to never ever tell either of them that i want to make-out with their brains. whoops. it's all in place. it's all laid out. as we speak, it's going down. MC will keep me on track... i hope. 

i'm trying (ugh, allowing.. ?) to post on a regular basis. not ten posts in one night. seeing that i use this online universe to procrastinate... i have begun procrastinating my procrastination. i have read through the entire archives of two entire blogs. oy, probably, that should not be said aloud ever again. more on those later... because we know, i will speak of it again, and, in fact, write an entire post about it. some pics from amaze-ball tumblrs here and here.

trying... no, make that allowing

(june ekman, was my alexander technique prof at slc. she'd not like me to try, rather... allow)

anywhoodle. i'm re-loving ryan adams. ryan. not bryan. inspired by my botched trip to hardly strictly bluegrass yesterday. i don't mean to sound like one of those musically inclined snobs... (for we know that whilst i can find a beat and shake it like nobody's business, the only two instruments i can play are the recorder and the balinese gamelan... i know, that story's for another time).

ugh, i digress. hardly strictly was a big old hot mess of a shit show. millions of people far more consumed with sitting on their blankets and chatting with each other, than actually hearing amaze-balls music. pardonnez moi, i'm trying to hear gillian welch. didn't happen.

let's be clear, i'm not in a complaining mood... i did get to hear a few little dreamy bits of gillian. and even though i missed patty griffin, i did see broken social scene perform shoreline. awesome. and discovered the belle brigade. learn about them. they put on an entertaining little show. (and they'll be on the next twilight soundtrack. yup)

why the heck am i telling you this anyways? well, i first discovered/was introduced to ryan adams in 2006 when my dear dear pals AL-S and LM and i drove from phoenix, az to colchester, vt. those two had gone to auburn university and discovered all sorts of brilliant music. and so began my love affair with ryan and all things americana. i know, right?! americana? there's something super beautiful about it, though. especially if you're feeling at all homesick. whether i am abroad, in a new home or just away for one night-night... cause i feel just like a map. without a single place to go of interest. and i'm further north than south. the sound and the color and texture and smell and very essence of americana sends me to the safest place i can find. thank goddess for that.

i hope some of you went to hardly strictly today... did you see devotchka? do you know that they are my favorite of all time...? at least they are at this point in my life. right up there with fleetwood mac. 

found these pretty photos here and here. probably, you should check this out too. ok, see you next time.