full...

oh my heart. it's so full. my ears are full. my eyes are full. i think i will overflow in a moment. do you ever have that feeling that you need to hug someone? i mean, really really really need to hug someone?

choose one, love or fear?

i just got off the phone with my mom. big red is the most important person in my life. and if you know me, you know that this is truth. anyways, whilst on the phone, she cried. and she really cried. what's the proportion of the universe's harmony equal too? apparently, my grandfather, her father, was picked up somewhere (no one is very clear about it) by someone (no one is very clear about it) and taken to a hospital. grandpa jim has alzheimer's (the cruelest disease on the planet). kaiser will not release him because it is their opinion that he cannot take care of himself. they are demanding that my mom either come pick him up right now and put him in a home, or they will send him to a home. of their choice. she lives 63 miles from panorama city. and she's still at work.

a side note: grandpa jim's wife, lois, is not currently living at home because she fell off the front porch last month and her daughter has taken her to live at her house. (and let me say, when two folks with alzheimer's are separated... shit hits the fan. they relied on each other as the only stability still recognizable). he misses her so much. so much. last sunday, my mom took grandpa jim to see lois. they went on a date to denny's for a hot fudge sunday.

it's the hardest thing to attain. cause it's freedom when you're detained. leave it to me and i'll explain, cause it's dear to me... like my mommy and daddy and sister and wifey.

the home that kaiser wants to send him to costs $5000 per month. ya. cash money. five thousand. his current income is $963 per month. from social security. who can pay that?

ps. grandpa jim is 93. lois is 90. he is the most brilliant man i've ever known. right up there with my dad. someday, when i'm less full, i'll tell you more about him. he's got a lifetime of stories that are pretty remarkable. who's to say what my words are?

my mom asked me to listen. she needed to ask rhetorical questions. she needed me to not tell her what to do. and, it was one of the hardest things for me to do. because i needed to grab her and hold her so tight to me. the energy i put forth can sink an army weight. she doesn't want to fail him. she promised him she would take care of him. he called her last night from the hospital at 11:30. "come pick me up from jail. how can you leave me here in jail? i'm your father. why won't you come and get me?"

"layla. i. don't. know. what. to. do."

what do i say to my mom?

here's what i said...

i love you so much.

i love you.

i love you so much.

that's all i could think of. and what i was really thinking was, what the fuck are we supposed to do? i wouldn't ask you if i didn't admire you, so what's between i and you? what's the ocean breeze, why do men get on they knees? what would you do?

here's the really awful part. (don't read this next bit if you don't want to...) what would my dad do? he would never put me in this situation. never. never make me figure out how to take care of him. he's got his life all planned out. in true tony guest fashion. it's. all. planned. time marches into the canvases of uncertainty. damaging our predictions and conditions we set like amnesty. i'm hard to hate. christ, he's already got burial plots. (one for him, one for my mom, one for me, and an extra... just in case i want to bring a friend) he just told me i should put him on an iceberg and give a push. tell him i love him and wave goodbye.

full. see?

there's no happy ending at the moment. well, we all love each other. and we've said it to each other approximatively (sic) eleventy million times today. that's pretty beautiful.

send my mom and grandpa jim the most beautiful energy you've got, ok? i'd really appreciate it. i'll send some your way too!

love.

that's what's up...

words by k'naan. spoken love from my life is a movie. love found here.