it's all research...

hindsight is 20/20 right? the first time i heard that phrase i didn't understand it. and to be honest, i still don't. now, for different reasons... but it seems that there is no way for reflection to be that cut and dry.

these days it seems to be about gut reactions. when i'm telling my friends or big red about an event or a person and i mention my gut reaction, they say layla, always trust your instinct. it just isn't that clear, though. when my instinct says no. stop. back away. and i don't listen... so this is the city, so this is progress. how can something so pretty become such a mess? in the end, i always wish i had. when my instinct says yes. go. fly. don't look back. i listen. but, if i fall... i wish i hadn't. so, when do we know when to trust ourselves? and will hindsight really provide a clear answer?

i'm not swooning as hard today. and my hindsight is about 20/3000. at best. i have no idea where i stand at the moment... and i'm ok with it. because when my gut and my heart said yes. go. fly. don't look back.  i listened. i did as it told me. i flew fast and hard. and for a short time, it was glorious... it still might be, or i may not get the outcome i had anticipated. but i'm not desperate for an outcome. i am, for certain, interested in the information i am gathering along the way. you know that i'm good for it. you know i can pay.

my favorite (i use that term loosely, because they were all my faves) professor in grad school was a woman who taught, mainly, anatomy for movers. she. is. brilliant. and so candid. we were chatting once after a particularly emotional moment in my life (quelle surprise...) about her partner. she and her long-term boyfriend have a really functionally beautiful relationship, and when she described it she mentioned she had to do a lot of research before finding him. well put, non?

there is no more than this steel and stone, more than this flesh and bone. there is a little piece of land in me, no other man can own.

so, it's all research. 

am i making mistakes along the way? shit ya. and hopefully, they will be part of the fuel that leads to the next bit of research. and it could turn into a long-term project, you know?

i have nothing to say except, what is this life with no love along the way?

pics from here and here. these beauties of lyrics by devotchka. along the way from a mad and faithful telling. know this band please. and if you do know them, literally, introduce me, yes? thank you.