all this and heaven too...

last weekend i was in the adirondacks. you've heard me rant about new york before.

but this new york is different. we flew into syracuse and had to drive two-ish hours north/north-east to get to the town where jordan grew up. the house he grew up in. the school he went to... it was pretty magical. which, i find so interesting, because he currently lives around the corner from where i went to high school. in my city. he can hear the bells that signal passing period.

but anyway... what i found so magical is the very deep rooted and true love that his family has for this part of the world. the north country. his father and brother, especially, kept remarking at how beautiful everything looked. and they live there (well, sort of... braden lives in ithaca, but for a native californian, like me... it's almost the same thing). they see this everyday. i admired, so much, each of their ability to stop, and take it all in. again and again.

braden and i were sitting at the (most incredible vintage diner-style-complete-with-vinyl-covered-chairs!!!!!!) table, looking out over the lake, when he said, this is heaven to me. he's a pretty poetic guy.  really? i asked. and without skipping a beat, he asked where my heaven is. i had to skip so many beats. i stumbled and stuttered before asking for more time to think about it... 

and i've thought about it so much since i left the north country. because, in that moment... sitting with this gorgeous home-grown mountain gang, that could very well be a heaven. 

i have so many heavens.

anywhere with tony and louise.

anywhere with jordan.

brown ledge.

sarah lawrence.

hawai'i.

hana and john's front yard.

the ocean at the end of santa ana avenue.

l.a. in the sunshine.

rome.

nice.

i'll take the universe as my heaven, please.

do-over...

do you ever wish you could have do-overs? in elementary school, we did it all the time. the playground had a constant echo of voices shouting interference! and do-over-do-over-do-over! and back then, it was so easy... a bird flew to close to the batter, a kickball rolled into the handball court, someone looked at someone else sideways... there was always a reason, and do-over was always an acceptable response.

i wish it were still acceptable. and though, in some cases, it is... my brain always goes to that place of infinite do-overs. where time travel is available and totally plausible. in the vein of if i knew then, what i know now... it would all be so different.

i would go back to high school and and tell myself to relax a little. breathe. don't follow all the rules. i would have told myself that he was not the right guy to make such adult decisions with. i would have told myself to trust in being comfortable with exactly who i was. no need to try and conform. because the trying didn't really work, and i was always in a state of in between.

i'd go back to some of those appointments in the chair and say do not get that haircut. your head will not support that style. hello flock of seagulls, roxette and the ever popular straight bangs with permed hair. and no matter how hard i want it, i will never look like siena miller with that short hair do.

there are times that i think about going back and doing college and grad school all over again. with the sensitivity that i have now. with more technique and reverence to the craft. with the knowledge that i have now, as to not appear quite as wide-eyed, amazed, baffled and with that feeling of who decided to let me be a student here? and when are they going to realize i'm just faking it?!

i'd go back and rsvp to all of the weddings that i didn't go to because i was worried about all the money that i never seem to have.

i would have never started that fight with craig that i'll never be able to take back.

i'd erase my entire last relationship.

except. well, that's not really reasonable is it? at age 30 i still want do-overs for today's behavior. i'd be really happy to erase much of last night's phone conversation and be settled by having all of the secret information of the eventual outcome.

where would i be if i did everything exactly the way i wanted, in hind-sight at least? if i had no major scars on my emotional record, what kind of street-cred would i actually have? and while i spend (far too much) time thinking about these things... i anticipate that it's what makes me as self-aware as i am... and trust, i am still really working on being better at this. i promise.

the desire for do-overs is what leads the many many many conversations i have in my head on a daily basis, when i'm figuring out how to respond, how to act, how to be. and i need to remember that i always want t a do-over, so maybe, layla, you could try and give yourself a do-over... in the moment. you know?

i ffffound these images here.