weekend playlist..

jordan's here! and oh, i'm soaking up every once of my bearded-spectacled man...

this weekend's playlist is a bit of a cheat, but come on... i've got other things goin' on round these parts, knowwhatimsayin'...

the first weekend that jordan and i ever spent together, he flew up to san francisco and wanted to bring me a gift. flowers? no. sweets? no sir. he made me a mix tape.

we'd known each other for exactly 20 days. so give you, the 20 days and counting mix tape...




pretty swoony, huh?

the good work...

i haven't seen jordan in a while. since thanksgiving, i think. we had a few on again-off again weekends before that. and before that - a month apart. it's getting regular. one week on, one week off. it's like being the kid in a divorce, which neither of us know anything about - only we're not. we're just apart.

when i look back into my relationship past, which i've been doing a lot lately thanks to some really whacky dreams, i don't know that i could have ever imagined or predicted or acknowledged the likelihood of my current situation. i've been a now - right now - i want what i want when i say that i want it - kind of gal for almost always. so, to be here, in the kind of relationship that is so good in the now, even though our physical now is always in counting the days till our next weekend, i'm surprising myself.

i told jordan last night that i thought we had gotten to the point in our time together when we get to do the work. you know, the good stuff. the details. the nitty gritty. the real work. am i crazy? (duh) because i meant it in the greatest way. like, look! we've not fucked it up. and we still like each other. 

after some confusion, we got there. probably because i didn't have a big old emotional meltdown and because we both used our adult words and let each other take turns talking. and that was exactly it - doing the solid talk-work stuff to understand each other, instead of avoiding each other or hurting each other's feelings.

he's my favorite jordan-boyfriend-partner-man. ever.

high-five lover!

pinterest for the photos.

with love & gratitude...

it was last year at this time, when things were sour... when i was desperately searching for some semblance of control, peace, understanding and grasping for the seedlings of forgiveness.

it's been quite a year. taking ownership and responsibility for all the things that happen in my life. acknowledging the pieces of the puzzle that i have control over and meditating on the pieces that i don't... in order to choose my responses and reactions.

a new job. some dumb ass human interactions. the loss of my dearest grandpa jim. a hawaiian and a mexican vacation. countless conversations with big red, tonyguest and my favorite pals. anger. frustration. gratitude. jordan.

there have been some relapses, some triumphs and a shit-ton of growth. everyday.

full.

at this time last year, my neighbors put up a community wish list to santa. they covered their garage door with paper, set out sharpies and let the community have at it. it's up again.

it's pretty remarkable, don't you think? this is what i asked for last year...

and here's what's up this year...

if you can't read my scrawly handwriting...

dear santa,

thanks for bringing me exactly what i asked for last year... take this year off! you deserve a break!

with love & gratitude,

lg

here's to another year of growth, faith and hope!

all this and heaven too...

last weekend i was in the adirondacks. you've heard me rant about new york before.

but this new york is different. we flew into syracuse and had to drive two-ish hours north/north-east to get to the town where jordan grew up. the house he grew up in. the school he went to... it was pretty magical. which, i find so interesting, because he currently lives around the corner from where i went to high school. in my city. he can hear the bells that signal passing period.

but anyway... what i found so magical is the very deep rooted and true love that his family has for this part of the world. the north country. his father and brother, especially, kept remarking at how beautiful everything looked. and they live there (well, sort of... braden lives in ithaca, but for a native californian, like me... it's almost the same thing). they see this everyday. i admired, so much, each of their ability to stop, and take it all in. again and again.

braden and i were sitting at the (most incredible vintage diner-style-complete-with-vinyl-covered-chairs!!!!!!) table, looking out over the lake, when he said, this is heaven to me. he's a pretty poetic guy.  really? i asked. and without skipping a beat, he asked where my heaven is. i had to skip so many beats. i stumbled and stuttered before asking for more time to think about it... 

and i've thought about it so much since i left the north country. because, in that moment... sitting with this gorgeous home-grown mountain gang, that could very well be a heaven. 

i have so many heavens.

anywhere with tony and louise.

anywhere with jordan.

brown ledge.

sarah lawrence.

hawai'i.

hana and john's front yard.

the ocean at the end of santa ana avenue.

l.a. in the sunshine.

rome.

nice.

i'll take the universe as my heaven, please.

names...

fyi... jordan and i are notorious for getting ahead of ourselves. always. and regularly. i think it was the first weekend he came to visit and i was driving him to the airport... he said, this was pretty great right? right. we should probably just get married. yep.

......

when i was little i always experimented with writing my name with someone else's last name. ok, with whoever my handsome boy-crush at the moment was... his last name. sometimes a boy from science class and sometimes a celebrity... layla taylor-thomas (remember jtt?!). 

at any rate, a few years ago when i was in a relationship that made me think about our future i realized that i didn't want to change my name. if i got married, i wanted to remain layla guest. and to be honest, i didn't really like my boyfriend's last name. not a very good reason, but it sure did spawn a lot of thought on the whole issue. and thought, of course turns into conversation.

the number of men and women who had emotionally charged reactions to the idea of name change really surprised me. 

-no, i don't want to be labeled as a man's property.

-yes, it's the only way we will feel like a family.

-how about hyphenated last names?

-why doesn't the man change his name?

-yes, it's tradition.

and, of course, there are hundreds of blog posts dedicated to this subject... from hundreds of points of view. and that's the interesting part... point of view.

last night jordan and i were skyping and i asked him how he would feel if i changed my last name to his, allen. he said that would be fine. and when i asked him how he would feel if i didn't change my name he said that would be fine. and then he said something interesting... i would want our children to have my last name.

interesting.

when we talked further he mentioned the desire to carry on his family name. so, i told him i wanted to carry on my family name too, so maybe one child could be allen and one could be guest. he didn't so much love that idea... and well, i was stirring the pot a bit (on purpose, of course).

then i mentioned that i though about the idea of changing my middle name to guest and my last name to allen. he really didn't like that idea, stating that nicole, my middle name, was one that my parents gave me. that it was a first name and i could never get rid of it! which struck me. and, of course, i had to point out... nicole is a name i rarely associate with. i think i only use it when i answer those silly questions about finding your star trek name by adding the first two letters of your first name with the first four letters of your middle name, then multiply it by seven and add the second syllable of your third pet's name but only if that pet lived on the first street you lived on, or whatever. 

but, it's not a problem to just up and get rid of my last name altogether?!

so here's the thing. my parents gave me the name layla guest because they (probably big red more so than tonyguest) thought it would look good written in lights! nicole is more of an afterthought, because, well... i needed a middle name. and the thought of changing my middle name was more significant to dear jordan than changing my last name; the name that i say (yes, guest. like a house guest. or a guest room. no, i'm not asking you to guess my last name...) at least 14 times per day. 

point of view... ours are so different. all the time... but it makes for great conversation.

though, in the end, i think he got my point.

but, i still have no idea whether i will change my name someday. i guest i'll just keep you posted (see what i did there...?!)

image found here.