have you ever had your heart broken in a way that just sends you into orbit? an utter state of shock? well. here. i. am. broken. but, this is not the point of this story. for, this asshole, pitiful excuse for a human being and boyfriend deserves absolutely no more of my energy. tonight i'm gonna bury that horse in the ground. and i am not allowing myself to regret, feel ashamed of/for or be embarrassed by all of this... instead, i am remembering that i can take so much from it. remember how i want to love... the appropriate ways to treat another human... the boundaries that i can set for myself, and not be afraid that setting my limits will turn someone away, because if he turns away... and i've been a fool and i've been blind. i can never leave the past behind. then i don't want it. i. don't. want. him.
shake it out.
i want, instead, to tell you how much hope is coming back into my heart, at this very moment... i want to tell you about the outpour of support that i have received since monday afternoon. i want to tell you how thankful i am for the friends in my life. so much to tell you...
one of my favorites, with the most open heart i've ever met, sent me a text this evening reminding me that it's my heart, not his. so well put, g. oh the river, oh the river, it's running free. and i'll join in the joy it brings me. i've seen it in the flights of birds, i've seen it in you.
but, there are my other friends, the trainers at the gym, clients, the marines and the everyday pals who have all offered to hurt him physically... don't worry, i won't ask them to do that... (but i wouldn't mind it if he hurt emotionally... i'm horrible sometimes).
then there's my amazing lawyer friend who put it so succinctly... there will be no justice in this case. but in order to get to the heart, i think sometimes you have to cut through. but you can. and she's right. no matter how much i am hurting (and he knows he hurt me), he. won't. ever. care. his actions were calculated, purposeful, pre-meditated, deliberate and royally fucked-up.
just keep following the heartlines on your hand. keep it up. i know you can.
only one person has told me that she-told-me-so. told me not to give it another go. but, only one. and, truthfully, i'm a little bit thankful for her. it's helping me keep my head on straight. because she, along with everyone else in my life, have told me that they would physically hurt me, if i ever, even for a split second, considered allowing him back into my life. thank my gods and goddesses for these people, i'm serious.
and i'm also serious when i say that sometimes, i am an awful person. and for reasons that i will not divulge (again, he gets no more of my energy) i did not tell my mom or dad that we had gotten back together, oh ya, this was round three for us. i blatantly lied. to both of them. (probably, that dishonesty was a part of my broken heart). but, on the advice of some super savy ladies, i called big red yesterday and came clean. about. everything. when i told her what he did, she cried for me. your heart is the only place that i call home. (she also wants to make a vodou doll and hurt him, physically. the woman is amazing). but, in the end, she thanked me for telling her and told me how wonderful i am, just as a mother is meant to do. i tell you, big red read her mothering handbook backwards and forwards. memorized the shit out of that thing.
as i came home from work tonight, flo on full blast (the first time i've listened to music since monday), i couldn't help but smile. maybe it's my neighborhood... but, i'd like to think that everyone was with me... walking with me, telling me to keep my head high. that it really is my heart, not his. i smiled at everyone holding hands. i smiled at all the bun-head students on muni leaving the san francisco ballet. i smiled at the woman who almost ran me over with her bike cause she was checkin' out some foxy lady. i smiled at the homeless kiddos in front of the market... they smiled back the hardest.
just keep following the heartlines on your hand. keep it up. i know you can.
so. hey, universe. and hey, friends... thank you. i could not ask for anything more from you. your texts to make sure i am ok. your calls. your smiles in passing. i am grateful. keep sharing it. with everyone you know. we are so lucky to be human sometimes... when we get to share our lives with one another and rally with each other. and love each other, respectfully. and honestly. thank you times one-hundred million.
just keep following the heartlines on your hand. keep it up.
'cause i am.
words by florence + the machine. these ones from shake it out and these from heartlines... both on ceremonials. love that flo... maybe it's the red hair (soul-sisters)... but if you haven't listened to heartlines yet, do it. it's got chanting and xena-style war whoops, a bass line that makes. me. move. oh, and thanks for being in my life. i adore you. moving bodies found here and here.
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