so, i'll thank you all in advance for allowing me to continue to navigate this process... you see, since this, i've been receiving so much. love. support. kind words. obtrusive words. smiles. just plain generous outpours of kindness. thank you.
but, i'm finding it interesting that when i am not in a relationship, the conversations i witness are vastly different than when i am in a relationship. my [mostly single] girlfriends speak without filters. about their fears, their hopes and their dreams for relationships. and 99% of the time i am so happy to listen and contribute to the discussion.
freedom.
but there are times when i have to fight the urge to vomit. as much as i loved the sex and the city series... i can't help but wonder (see what i did there)... have we given these [failed] relationships and men too much ownership? talking incessantly about them. questioning our actions. asking/begging for advice. for translation of gestures. signs. plotting outfits and behavior to make ourselves more attractive. don't be afraid of your freedom. because, for some, it's all consuming. and that worries me. (and you know how i worry... too much).
you see, i am currently working in an industry in which gender normatives are still so stereotypical and running rampant. i can hardly look some of my co-workers in the eye because i fear i will start shouting shit about equality and why their misogynistic views are archaic, insulting and embarrassing. but, i need to keep my job. so i move along. some days it pains me more than others. 'cause i'm free to do what i want, any old time. i should probably tell you more about this at a later date, though. get my sarah lawrence on.
i'll be clear, i went/am still going through many stages of grief. shock. pain. circling back to shock, passing through anger. sadness. numbness. hitting up anger again, and again. depression. but moving on to finding solace. healing. it's such a process. (and my sex and the city phase was 100% a part of it). and now i'm here... taking back ownership. because as she so wisely put it... it's your heart. not his. so, i'm moving past carrie and charlotte's advice and making my own. i'm free to be who i choose. own. ownership.
i wrote a long list of things that i would do in order to take back ownership, but deleted it, because well... that list can be for me. ok?
the important part is that i will forgive myself. i will take responsibility for my contributions to our tumultuous relationship and inevitable demise. i will accept that i made excuses for both of us. but i will not excuse his behavior. i don't own that.
free like a butterfly. free like a bee.
ownership is scary and it's a huge responsibility. because it means that i'm on the hook for my actions. but, dear goddess, it means that i can be creative with it all. i will choose. i will change. i will make mistakes. i will fail. and i will triumph. but, all mine. all me. and when it's time... share it with the ones i treasure. these are the words i hear.
(know this... the other parts of this series are not about me, per se. obvi, they're my opinions and what-not... but, i'll finally tell you why i'm so mad at beyonce. and then we'll talk abramovic. the law. trust. it'll be something different).
remember these words? i'm free, by the soup dragons. summer of '91 at hearts bend in vermont... i listened to that cassette tape a lot. this is martin creed's work from the national gallery of scotland. brill. tenderness from here.
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