weekend playlist...

this weekend's playlist isn't.

it's been a doozy of a weekend... remembering hana in a way that honors her spirit, while also attending a completely confusing memorial service.

at any rate. i discovered this music this weekend while perusing the kinfolk magazine videos. i think hana would have been a pretty remarkable inspiration for these folks. so, here's my new favorite tune...




i love you.

with love & gratitude...

it was last year at this time, when things were sour... when i was desperately searching for some semblance of control, peace, understanding and grasping for the seedlings of forgiveness.

it's been quite a year. taking ownership and responsibility for all the things that happen in my life. acknowledging the pieces of the puzzle that i have control over and meditating on the pieces that i don't... in order to choose my responses and reactions.

a new job. some dumb ass human interactions. the loss of my dearest grandpa jim. a hawaiian and a mexican vacation. countless conversations with big red, tonyguest and my favorite pals. anger. frustration. gratitude. jordan.

there have been some relapses, some triumphs and a shit-ton of growth. everyday.

full.

at this time last year, my neighbors put up a community wish list to santa. they covered their garage door with paper, set out sharpies and let the community have at it. it's up again.

it's pretty remarkable, don't you think? this is what i asked for last year...

and here's what's up this year...

if you can't read my scrawly handwriting...

dear santa,

thanks for bringing me exactly what i asked for last year... take this year off! you deserve a break!

with love & gratitude,

lg

here's to another year of growth, faith and hope!

l is for the way...

it's labor day. there's a rule about white pants related to this day, but as it turns out i'm not super into the rules. you know? today, labor day meant that i only had to work a half day. mini days sure are great. although, when i woke up, my out of town guest was still here, and when i got home he was en route back to long beach... so here's the deal team: i'm in a long distance relationship.

yes.

on the same weekend that i had a brown ledge reunion (which is just plain old good ju-ju), i met this guy. he's in my life now. and here's the deal. we had to have a come-to-jesus talk about this blog. was i going to be the kind of blogger that never mentioned her significant other? hell no. so, maybe the kind that had some sort of code-name for him? eh, maybe. nah, y'all, his name is jordan. he's remarkable. and he lives in long beach. minor detail.

jake darling invited me to the park that weekend to sit around. i went thinking it would be just us. so i did not put on my cutest outfit. i had not brushed my hair in a day or three. i was a teensy bit hanged-over and i still had only half a voice. when i walked up and saw a pile of people, jake made fun of me for sounding like a river-rat. the first words of actual substance out of my mouth were fuck you. oh, hi. jordan is it? nice to meet you. pardon my everything.

turns out jordan didn't so much care. i am convinced he's quite delusional. he not only found me attractive, but actually mentioned to our mutual friends that he thought i was very cool. and that it was very cool to meet me. (he says cool a lot. i think it's cool).

i was fairly convinced that i'd never see him again, and wasn't super excited about that. but, darling jarrett got on the old facebook and told us to get it together already and be friends. being the free-thinking, independent-spirited adult i am, i followed his instructions diligently and friend requested this bearded new yorker.

long to short. facebook messages turned into emails, emails turned into phone calls. and phone calls have turned into a handful or so of dollars worth of round trip airplane tickets, a killer mixtape, a wedding in healdsburg (not ours), countless endless conversations (some easier than others), a lot of laughing until our bellies hurt, a few new friends, some tears, a meeting with tony guest and big red and a whole lot of love. that's right. l.o.v.e.

the parallels in our lives are uncanny. we've gotten to a point that when our stories don't have some kind of bizarre parallel with some far-off memory from the corner of our brains, we think that's the weird part.

so, we're giving it a go. send us your good energy would you? i love you. oh! and. i'm 30 now.

castro-versary...!

ohhhhh, june!?

hey gurl.

i've been living in june. very busy living in june. and i have so much to tell you. in fact, i've been keeping lists of the things i want to tell you. yesterday when big red and i were chatting she mentioned that she noticed i hadn't been putting my words on this here blog very often, recently. i assured her it was not for lack of words, but for lack of quiet time in which i am awake long enough to make my words sound like real sentences of the english language and not just random pairings of words strewn about on the page.

june has been gorgeous in san francisco. sunny and h.o.t. hot. so it always cracks me up, when on the first day of minor fog, all of san francisco begins to moan and groan about the fog and the coldest winter i ever lived was a summer in san francisco (thanks mark twain) and all that buzz... but really y'all... it's been perfect. and even more perfect is this weekend... because this is what makes me proud to be 'merican...

these colors don't run. happy pride!!! 

it's also my castro-versary! it was this weekend last year that i moved into my apartment in the castro and began what i've discovered now, as the long journey to re-claiming my post graduate school, san francisco loving and self-loving identity. it's been a bit of a windy road and i'm still navigating, but shit it's getting better every day.

i've got hundreds of lessons that i want to tell you about... probably, they are all super obvious and you are going to think in your head duh, layla bean... we learned that one about the golden rule in 2nd grade, but sometimes putting the rules into action in my adult life and sticking with my guns long enough to see it through the hurt and to the good is hard. and i'm often stubborn and impatient... so hang in there with me, would ya?

until i get those words out, take a look at the beauty that's been existing up in my life!

tiniest second of fog... and still beautiful.

he's an animal.

i discovered that my neighbors have been hiding this little garden over that big old fence of theirs!

new do.

first game in sf... el gigantes!

gurl. i started doing my own gel mani! are you jelly?

he likes to feel the wind on his face.

cooking lessons.

no words...

see you soon. i love you. 

breaking up is hard to do...

remember that song by neil sedaka? here's the thing, it was playing in whole foods on friday while i was buying the ingredients for a meal i was preparing to make for a pal. i hadn't heard it in ages, but somehow i knew every word... i be-bopped through the produce department and even kick-ball-changed my way to the meat counter. for a song about such an emotionally taxing event, it's got a great beat and a lot of doobie doo's to sing-a-long with!

the following night, i broke up with that same pal i was shopping for... as a friend.

have you ever done it? usually, when i'm ready to be done/need to be done with a friendship, i let it fade away. cowardly really. i stop calling. i stop responding. fade.

but this time i did it. i said all the things that i needed to say. the things that i usually wish i had said when i look back at the situation.

it was awful. and arduous.

you see. i love[d] this friend. but as much as we rallied our friendship around our mutual ability to be fiercely loyal, it turns out he couldn't hold up his end of the bargain. i think he fooled himself into believing that his untruths were true. that the issues he created were actually my issues. hell. no. m.f.

my usual nature is to ignore the issues. lie to myself and pretend its all ok, because when we're together, we have a great time. it's as though i'm telling myself that having a dysfunctional friendship is better than having no friendship at all. that's dangerous. last night i picked up my bravery and said no thanks. ok, not exactly that politely... whoops.

you see, we met for drinks, ate dinner and then had one more drink. when i was in the bathroom at the bar i thought to myself, leave. you shouldn't stick around for this shit kind of friendship. tell him his behavior is not ok and get the fuck out. but i didn't. instead i went back to the bar and ordered another drink, sat down and feigned interest in whatever we were talking about.

as big red pointed out... honey, that's a line in an eagles song... take another shot of courage, wonder why the right words never come. my liquid courage came in the form of rye whiskey.

but, after he walked me home. all the right words came. well, right might not be totally accurate. i could have been wayyy more eloquent. probably, it would have been more effective without tears pouring out of my eyes... but i did say it. don't call. don't be my friend. i don't deserve this mess that you've created. 

part of me hopes that he'll come to his senses and get it together... though, the realist in me (who rarely makes appearances) knows that it's highly unlikely. i will forever be thankful for the brief bits of lovely friendship that we did share, though.

xoxo. be kind. love your friends as you love yourself. and remind me to do the same when i forget, ok? thanks. find all these pictures on various boards on my pinterest.

peace...

big red and i have been giggling since i arrived. we paused though, for a moment. for this...

this is the photo that my mom used to make a card to send to grandpa jim's neighbors. they were an amazing group of people that gave jimmy, lois and big red so much support, especially towards the end. they brought food over when lois couldn't cook anymore, picked all the weeds and made sure the oranges were harvested. inside the card my mom wrote this...

Jim Dodson

April 20, 1918 - February 20, 2012

Husband

Father

Grandfather

Great Grandfather

Good Neighbor

Bon Vivant

Born, lived and died in

The City of Angels

Peace

she's a class act, that big red. and always so spot on. but of course, she'd never resist the opportunity to snap this photo...

he lived in the valley. sagging is the look there...

big red passed on a couple other choice photos... more to come. i love you.

ch ch ch changes...

because of this, my mind has been more swirly than normal. more swirly. hard to believe, i know... but, apparently, i've been holding it together like a champ. who knew?! i've heard that my smile has been bigger in the past few days than it has been in a while. most people think i have a new boyfriend or something (barf).

jt has been sooooooo nice to me this week. seriously. taking good care of my downtime, and keeping me entertained. sometimes i don't even think he's doing it on purpose... it's natural for him. but, man oh man, do i appreciate it. sittin' with me at the ferry building, strolling through the farmer's market to taste sorbet, eating dinner and going to yoga. so indulgent, that one...

here's what we've seen:

and all of this makes the prospect of change even more scary, but he's got some stuff swirling too. so there's excitement and anxiety together. remember i told you about job changes? more to come. bigger and better. but that reveal needs to wait a few more days.

love you. and thank you for sending me so much kindness in the past few days. it means more than you will ever know... well, you probably know.

gratitude...

i have written and deleted the first sentence of this post a googooplex of times. so here are some words that are swirling around...

gratitude

love

gutted

overwhelmed

full

blessed

thankful

at peace

emotional

exhausted

remember this post? it's one of my personal favorites. the hardest to muster, but the writing came so easily... and that can be a rarity. so when it does, i savor it. would you read it if you have a moment? thanks.

grandpa jim died last evening. february 20th, 2012. two months (exactly) shy of his 94th birthday. 93 years old. jeez, he did such a great job living this life. the details of his passing are symbolic and so beautiful... but perhaps only meaningful and necessary to those of us that knew him. you know? but know this, and trust it... he went peacefully. having been with my mom all day, he went with a full and confident heart, knowing that we loved him... honestly and unconditionally. 

big red and i are taking this opportunity to be reflective and to remember how cyclical life is. grandpa jim was a complicated man, who isn't? so we're allowing ourselves to consider all the parts of him... did you know that when my mom was a child, she would frequently come out to breakfast in the morning to find him in a headstand?! a headstand! as she walked passed he'd say good morning louise... simple. he was a yogi. he learned yoga in india during the second world war. amazing. 

ummmmm. hello!? have you noticed how much i have been writing about yoga lately?! this morning... and yesterday's post was about big red and yoga! symbolic, non? and a few hours before he passed, big red was reading aloud to him... from a yoga book of his from the early 60's. it's all connected. we are all connected.

remember i told you that i cried in yoga this morning? it's because megan, my teacher, asked us to join hands. because, researchers who have been studying the heart have learned that when humans connect, their heartbeats begin to sync... to beat in time with one another's. so we held hands with the purpose of allowing our hearts to beat together... she knew exactly what i needed. 

i love you. thank you for being in my life.

namaste.

boo boo...

you ever have one of those days when everything feels gross? i've had a couple of super good cries today. good. ones. long and hard. tony guest left today, back to long beach to be with big red. and after he walked out the door, i stripped myself of my towel (i had just gotten out of the shower), and sat down to write a real gross email. to a guy who is amazing in every regard. every. single. regard. oh, except for the fact that he is in a quasi-committed, but open, relationship with someone that he has very strong (love?) feelings for. no thanks. i wrote really nice things. not exactly what i was really thinking... i won't even write those things here... cause that's just the kind of bad karma bullshit i ain't interested in.

oh and i cried. a lot. cried all the mascara right offa my face. wearing only my undergarments. i think i'm decompressing from the best hawai'i trip, followed by an immediate road trip with tony guest, an overwhelming return to work (with all the stress it is currently involving) as well as the emotional realizations of being single and questioning all this dating in san francisco shit. and then i ate way too many bites of chocolate-chocolate chip cookie dough. what?

so, i've gotta pull myself up by my bootstraps and get rid of this self-pitying crap... jt is on his way to pick me up for the madonna-halftime-show party at jh's house.

so i made a list of the good things and the things i love in my life right now, to help me get rid of the boo boo feelings...

- hawai'i with big red and 22(!!!) teenaged girls.
- time with tony guest.
- this guy... (so loyal and totally loves me all the time, even when my salty tears are making his pretty coat sticky and matted... he stays in my lap, regardless...)

- awesome playlists with girl-power anthems.

- living in california and not some stinky town way over there on the east-coast.

- feria hair color #66, ruby fusion.

- a certain marine friend who plays the big-brother card wayyyyyy too early, but essentially scaring off any possible romantic endeavors with a certain someone. probably don't want someone who scares easily... knowwhatimsayin?!

- brussel sprouts and bacon.

- caribou antlers in my apartment.

- this new (to me) blog... i am obsessed with. 

- dance class tomorrow. thank goddess.

- you. i love you. a lot.

on a day like today, big red would say... take five deep breaths, tell yourself: all is well in my world. i have love and abundance. then put on your favorite outfit and allow yourself to have a beautiful day. i love that woman more than the sun and the moon.

piccys from ffffound.com and my photobooth.

oh what a day...

do you ever wonder why we are the way that we are? i know. that's a fairly loaded question... but, i think about it a lot. what drives the impulses? the snap decisions? the nature by which i conduct myself on a daily basis? two words.

big. red.

aka, my mother. often, i have said that my behavior (towards people, situations, feelings, etc) is made up of pieces of information that run deep. deep in my bones. my marrow. my essence and my dna make-up. i am this way because big red and tony are who they are. and shit runs deep, let me tell you.

i once received the greatest compliment i could ever ask for. the director of my graduate program told me that i was the most empathetic dancer she had ever seen. that when i moved, i had the ability to take on not just the movement intentions of the person i was working with, but also the thoughts, character and emotive qualities. this blew my mind. and while she explained that this would serve me greatly in my dance life, that it probably existed in my emotional life and could become quite crippling if i wasn't careful. spot. on. jesus, she is a brilliant woman.

so, it comes as no surprise that when big red sent me an email last night i simultaneously laughed and cried. (she went to visit grandpa jim, her dad, at the old folks home yesterday in burbank. he's living in the memory unit. she refers to a woman called helen who is another inmate in the memory unit... she likes my mom).

we are so related...

Hi Bean,

Oh, what a day! 

Remember the neighborhood where the Nova broke down on the way to Cal Arts? I can now confirm that that is a Bermuda Triangle. I was lost twice there today. It is a place where the streets get lost on one corner of the map book and don't pick up on the corner of the next page. Why, you might ask was I there, in the funk hole of holes? Ah, Grandpa Jim's hearing aid has been broken since Wednesday last. It was that little, teeny tiny door that houses the battery. I took it over to Mabel at Hear X in Sunland, just a mere hop, skip, and a jump from the Funk Hole Triangle. 

Oh, and the teeth have gone missing. I need a new word to say to express "Christ Almighty." But, you get the picture: what's next?

No sound, no bite.

Helen had her hair did, but they didn't do her roots. They're white. She is very punk.

When I walked into the dining room at lunch time, Grandpa Jim was sitting in a chair and a woman in a wheel chair was sitting along side him traveling in the opposite direction. They had their hands on each other's shoulders and were looking into each other's eyes. It was quite lovely. I have no idea who she is. I love that he has some human connection and affection.

Oh, I went to the worst Target on the planet today in Burbank. B.O. Beyond Oakland. Baskets in the parking lot make it impossible to park or walk along the sidewalk; 35 open check out stations, each 10 deep with customers. I abandoned my cart in aisle 3. They didn't have my hair color, anyway.

How does one turn a day like this into a good day. "Are you having a good day or a bad day?" I don't know, but here's what I did: shower off the smell of urine and poop, let the hot water run over my eyes until the tears and water are one; dine on comfort food: cheese and wine. Tell the people you love that you really love them. Layla, I love you.

your mama

how'd you do? i laughed and cried all over again. remind me to tell you about helen sometime, the punk one... she's up there as one of the most fascinating women alive.

and yes, i've given my blog self [yet] another make-over. keep up, eh? thoughts? i love you. all these images are from ffffound.com. i'm obsessed. 

you have some 'splaining to do...

i'm not afraid to admit when i'm wrong. you are all over my rainbow, taking the scene, in my crazy dream.

remember this post? well... i've gotten some interesting responses. mostly from girlfriends who think i'm a complete whack job for not giving the online dating thing a try. lay, are you crazy? why would you not take the opportunity to pre-screen people... after your dating history this past year?! and if you've ever attempted to date in san francisco... well shit. nothing's fast or slow, it's in-between. it's close to impossible. but those are the details that you can read in a love in the time of san francisco-type blog.

soooooo... here's what i did. i took almost all of the information from the afore mentioned post and put it up on an online dating site. just to see what would happen. (btdubs... a different site than the one i tried from the dark period). and i'll be damned... i actually got responses. so after weeding through the ones of dudes with no pictures and the ones with very bold sexual questions... i'd say i got three or four promising notes. from real humans. god, if i'd known it would be that simple... all melodies are coming ashore. flushing over me.

i'm going to save all my juicy details for a while, but maybe we'll have more to talk about... hmmm? (but, i will tell you that i'm already swooning a bit).

maybe next time around i won't be so judgy...

don't get out, the morning wants to keep us safe in here. resting on your shoulder, we won't go until there's no more people out there.


words are oh land. rainbow from the album oh land. i love these ladies... they remind me how beautiful we all are! images from here. happy monday, yes?

on ownership...

this is part one of a (three...?) part series.

so, i'll thank you all in advance for allowing me to continue to navigate this process... you see, since this, i've been receiving so much. love. support. kind words. obtrusive words. smiles. just plain generous outpours of kindness. thank you.

but, i'm finding it interesting that when i am not in a relationship, the conversations i witness are vastly different than when i am in a relationship. my [mostly single] girlfriends speak without filters. about their fears, their hopes and their dreams for relationships. and 99% of the time i am so happy to listen and contribute to the discussion.

freedom.

but there are times when i have to fight the urge to vomit. as much as i loved the sex and the city series... i can't help but wonder (see what i did there)... have we given these [failed] relationships and men too much ownership? talking incessantly about them. questioning our actions. asking/begging for advice. for translation of gestures. signs. plotting outfits and behavior to make ourselves more attractive. don't be afraid of your freedom. because, for some, it's all consuming. and that worries me. (and you know how i worry... too much).

you see, i am currently working in an industry in which gender normatives are still so stereotypical and running rampant. i can hardly look some of my co-workers in the eye because i fear i will start shouting shit about equality and why their misogynistic views are archaic, insulting and embarrassing. but, i need to keep my job. so i move along. some days it pains me more than others. 'cause i'm free to do what i want, any old time. i should probably tell you more about this at a later date, though. get my sarah lawrence on.

i'll be clear, i went/am still going through many stages of grief. shock. pain. circling back to shock, passing through anger. sadness. numbness. hitting up anger again, and again. depression. but moving on to finding solace. healing. it's such a process. (and my sex and the city phase was 100% a part of it). and now i'm here... taking back ownership. because as she so wisely put it... it's your heart. not his. so, i'm moving past carrie and charlotte's advice and making my own. i'm free to be who i choose. own. ownership.


i wrote a long list of things that i would do in order to take back ownership, but deleted it, because well... that list can be for me. ok?

the important part is that i will forgive myself. i will take responsibility for my contributions to our tumultuous relationship and inevitable demise. i will accept that i made excuses for both of us. but i will not excuse his behavior. i don't own that.

free like a butterfly. free like a bee.

ownership is scary and it's a huge responsibility. because it means that i'm on the hook for my actions. but, dear goddess, it means that i can be creative with it all. i will choose. i will change. i will make mistakes. i will fail. and i will triumph. but, all mine. all me. and when it's time... share it with the ones i treasure. these are the words i hear.

(know this... the other parts of this series are not about me, per se. obvi, they're my opinions and what-not... but, i'll finally tell you why i'm so mad at beyonce. and then we'll talk abramovic. the law. trust. it'll be something different).

remember these words? i'm free, by the soup dragons. summer of '91 at hearts bend in vermont... i listened to that cassette tape a lot. this is martin creed's work from the national gallery of scotland. brill. tenderness from here.