and now for something completely different...

things are unfolding professionally. and i've got to put some extra time in where it's called for, and practice some serious patience and reserve at other times. what i thought had been tossed aside turned out to be continually brewing over the past month. maybe einstein should just relax. and i didn't even realize that anyone but me had been thinking about it... i even forgot a bit about it. probably because i have been consumed with getting my personal life in order after the tumultuous end of 2011. so, here's to keeping calm [in the work place] and carrying on.

oh, i jumped on the keep calm and carry on bandwagon pretty late. i don't think i heard the phrase/saw the image until late last year... whoops. but, there's some serious merit there. and especially right now, i think the idea of the phrase is holding very resonant for me. unobtrusive tones help to notice nothing but the zone.


i tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal. jump in feet first. i want what i want when i say that i want it. oy. time to take some deep breaths and re-align my spine, you know?

i had a brief conversation with jt and his roommate, who has become a dear pal... he (roommate) has got professional stuff brewing too. we are so similar in some regards. anxious to have good things in our lives. and how else would we get these good things if we didn't actively go out and seek them? follow up. stay connected. eyes on the prize. oh, but that gets so exhausting (and sometimes self-destructive... i don't think my best thoughts when i'm rushing or highly emotionally charged. what? bummer)!

there is some merit in letting things unfold naturally. this is not to say that i am sitting idly by while the world swooshes around me. but, i'm practicing patience. respecting that not everyone's brain moves at the same pace as mine. and some people even have... boundaries. what. does. that. even. mean?! well dust off your thinking caps.

it means i am moving with care and calculated steps. i am staying true to my course while allowing others to stay true to theirs, with an honesty that requires me to look a bit more at my actions. and not react so quickly. shit. it's hard. in work and in love...

slow down everyone

your moving too fast.

because personal shit is another matter entirely. you may remember that i have been dating lately. at times, much to my chagrin. but, it's happening. and in one instance we both jumped in pretty quickly. too quickly. and when it came time to slow down, neither of us knew how to do it. so, now we're navigating what it means... i wish they could believe, in all the things that never made the screen. figuring out if we are interested in salvaging the possibility of a friendship/relationship.

so, i went on a date this week (eeeeek, i know!) and it went really well (in my opinion). but, i'm going to do my best to stay level headed about it. even though viscerally, i'm spinning. i mean it. i had such a great time. in the long run we have found, silent films are full of sound. but it was one, first impression date. i'll keep you posted though.

until then...

shit, i mean...

frames can't catch you

when you're moving like that.

although... you know big red will be all up in this shit. love you. piccys from ffffound.com, again. lyrics are jack johnson. inaudible melodies from brushfire fairytales. big red, myself and 25 of her teenaged students are going to hawaii next week.... i'm getting in the mood. trust.

oh what a day...

do you ever wonder why we are the way that we are? i know. that's a fairly loaded question... but, i think about it a lot. what drives the impulses? the snap decisions? the nature by which i conduct myself on a daily basis? two words.

big. red.

aka, my mother. often, i have said that my behavior (towards people, situations, feelings, etc) is made up of pieces of information that run deep. deep in my bones. my marrow. my essence and my dna make-up. i am this way because big red and tony are who they are. and shit runs deep, let me tell you.

i once received the greatest compliment i could ever ask for. the director of my graduate program told me that i was the most empathetic dancer she had ever seen. that when i moved, i had the ability to take on not just the movement intentions of the person i was working with, but also the thoughts, character and emotive qualities. this blew my mind. and while she explained that this would serve me greatly in my dance life, that it probably existed in my emotional life and could become quite crippling if i wasn't careful. spot. on. jesus, she is a brilliant woman.

so, it comes as no surprise that when big red sent me an email last night i simultaneously laughed and cried. (she went to visit grandpa jim, her dad, at the old folks home yesterday in burbank. he's living in the memory unit. she refers to a woman called helen who is another inmate in the memory unit... she likes my mom).

we are so related...

Hi Bean,

Oh, what a day! 

Remember the neighborhood where the Nova broke down on the way to Cal Arts? I can now confirm that that is a Bermuda Triangle. I was lost twice there today. It is a place where the streets get lost on one corner of the map book and don't pick up on the corner of the next page. Why, you might ask was I there, in the funk hole of holes? Ah, Grandpa Jim's hearing aid has been broken since Wednesday last. It was that little, teeny tiny door that houses the battery. I took it over to Mabel at Hear X in Sunland, just a mere hop, skip, and a jump from the Funk Hole Triangle. 

Oh, and the teeth have gone missing. I need a new word to say to express "Christ Almighty." But, you get the picture: what's next?

No sound, no bite.

Helen had her hair did, but they didn't do her roots. They're white. She is very punk.

When I walked into the dining room at lunch time, Grandpa Jim was sitting in a chair and a woman in a wheel chair was sitting along side him traveling in the opposite direction. They had their hands on each other's shoulders and were looking into each other's eyes. It was quite lovely. I have no idea who she is. I love that he has some human connection and affection.

Oh, I went to the worst Target on the planet today in Burbank. B.O. Beyond Oakland. Baskets in the parking lot make it impossible to park or walk along the sidewalk; 35 open check out stations, each 10 deep with customers. I abandoned my cart in aisle 3. They didn't have my hair color, anyway.

How does one turn a day like this into a good day. "Are you having a good day or a bad day?" I don't know, but here's what I did: shower off the smell of urine and poop, let the hot water run over my eyes until the tears and water are one; dine on comfort food: cheese and wine. Tell the people you love that you really love them. Layla, I love you.

your mama

how'd you do? i laughed and cried all over again. remind me to tell you about helen sometime, the punk one... she's up there as one of the most fascinating women alive.

and yes, i've given my blog self [yet] another make-over. keep up, eh? thoughts? i love you. all these images are from ffffound.com. i'm obsessed. 

request an invitation...

hello sunday. have you heard of cowbird? friends, i think it's going to change my life. read this first (please) and then go to the site... big red shared the article with me, and bless that woman. she sure did make me and knows exactly how to send me. you know?

i am currently in the process of requesting an invitation to join the site. the prompt is this... a bit about you and your stories... i'm having a bit of anxiety about it. because storytelling is so important to me. especially in 2012. the idea of humanizing the web (from the article) is so profound and so poignant. but, i might go as far as to say that we need to humanize humans/human nature/life/our current existence. you know? with everything at our fingertips, at the touch of a button, the click of a mouse, we have lost so much of our ability to connect with other humans.

i remember worrying about this thought the first time i went to the airport and the automated kiosk took the place of the actual human. and at the grocery store's self check-out line. i have trouble with these things. i worry that my someday children will grow up in a world in which it is completely plausible to make it through an entire day without approaching another human. terrifying.

my first memory of being a story teller is from heart's bend, a summer camp i went to in newfane, vermont for two summers... 1991 and 1992. georgia, one of the counselors, and i were on a walk to grout's pond with a small group of campers. i, of course, was whining about the distance of the walk and probably crying a little about missing my mom. she began to tell me a story about a girl with the longest hair she'd ever seen. she wove the story for a few minutes and stopped. ok laylsie, your turn. tell me what happens next. i couldn't believe it. the honor of taking this story wherever i wanted was beyond my comprehension. but, i flew... told my story, and passed it back to her. we continued all the way to grout's pond, and even while we swam... along the walk back to camp, during dinner... and didn't stop until i fell asleep under the lean-to. (we continued that story all summer)

i realize now what georgia gave me. the ability to find safety, solace, joy, comfort and reassurance. not just in from inside my own head, but through an honest and thoughtful interaction with another human being. because telling a story requires that you witness life. that you listen to other humans. respond to them. i love this part. don't you?

maybe it's because 2012 sounds like a fake year to me. or maybe it's because i'm turning 30 this year. or maybe it's just who and how i am... but i'm so... emotional. maybe that's not the best description. but, i feel like i need to hold on to everything that i love so tightly. so that it will never go away.

but, even if it does go away, i'll have a story about it... always.

pics from here and here. i adore you. you are my favorite.

phases...

this afternoon jt and i had linner at an indian restaurant in our hood. they were playing some pretty rad tunes... i turned to jt and asked him did i ever tell you about my indian phase? he just stared at me. but, not in that christ, layla. what the hell are you talking about kind of way. more in a uh huh? i've been waiting for you to spill the beans about this and i'm not the least bit surprised, not one eentsy bit kind of way. how i adore this guy...

so, towards the end of undergrad, i was studying kathak and bharata natyam (both classical forms of indian dance). i listened to mostly indian music... anoushka shankar, nitin sawhney and lots of bol chanting. i saw performances by shobana jeyasingh and swooned over akram khan... i read a fine balance by rohinton mistry (disregard the oprah sticker... it's not to be missed) and even made a dance about that piece of literature. i talked for hours to grandpa jim about india and his experiences there during the war. i dated an indian fellow. you get the point, yes?

but no, i never went to india. blast.

i've had other phases... in grad school it was mexico. lots of dances about los angeles, angeleno/mexican culture, catholic saints, mariachi music... i realize that these phases may sound ridiculous/awful depending on your point of view. trust, it was my way of honoring and learning about the cultures... promise. all good intentions.

hey y'all? i feel another phase coming on. españa! i think maybe i'm supposed to go to live in spain. like, soon. i found this guy... he takes amazing photos and i cannot stop staring drooling at the flamenco dancers. spain. let's start saving right now, ok? until then, we'll take flamenco dance classes and maybe even a course in spanish. (i know, how come i din't learn spanish during my mexico phase... i was choreographing and writing my thesis at the time. plate. was. full.)

so. look at these: (i don't own these photos... and if you are journey photographic (i give you mad props) and you want me to take these down, i will... but pretty please don't ask me to, because i'm staring drooling...)

i've already looked at flamenco shoes online. it's. happening. now. oh i can't wait to make my feet move like that! and the skirts?! can you stand it?!

xo. i love you.

dance party...

if you know me, you know i'm prone to spontaneous dance parties. everywhere. anywhere. and not in that stupid shit girls say (uh, do you know about this? probably. it's perfect... except for when i'm secretly embarrassed because i say that shit all the time. even the really annoying ones) kind of way... in an honest-to-goddess-i've-got-to-dance-right-now-or-i-will-explode kind of way. cool my fire yearnin' honey, come set me free. this becomes especially precarious when i'm at work or a very hoighty toighty event... as it is not always a generally socially acceptable form of expression. wait, what? did i just say that? rewind. erase.

anywhoodle. on new year's eve i was at a party in the western addition with some folks i didn't know very well. i got myself all involved with this group because of swoony mcgee (who i'm not soooo swoony about at the mo'). we had agreed to spend the evening together and house-party hop. we only hopped once.

don't you know now

is the perfect time.

we can make it right 

hit the city lights.

just to make it right

in the night.

hit the lovin' spot

i'll give you all that i've got.

have you ever been to a party where you have to take your shoes off when you walk through the front door? ya. it's a scene from some episode of sex and the city, but it happened for real... on new year's eve. aren't we supposed to wear cute shoes to accent our outfits just so? alright y'all, i was wearing boots. and you know, if i'm wearing boots, i am not wearing matching socks. yup. that's me. nerd with the mis-matched socks on new year's eve, party of one. i'll take you there, i'll shake you there.

here are some bits of convos i overheard that night...

omg, you're shoes are soooooo cute. you totally got them at forever 21, riiiiiiight?! 

(oh, did i fail to mention that we all had to take our shoes off, but the hosts and hostess had their shoes on the entire night?!)

we should totally start a dance party right now.

please tell me we did not just run out of prosecco!

we should totally start like a full on dance party right now.

that girl's socks don't match. 

dance party!!!!!

that girl with the weird socks has a whole bottle of prosecco.

ugh.

pretty young things, repeat after me...

said girls were near me several times when they casually shrieked about having a dance party. hellooooooo dance party. 

*very important disclaimer... i went to art school thrice. dance school to be specific. i have a bfa and an mfa in dance and choreography. i say this not because i am tooting my horn about my skillz, but because, hi... i have spent close to all of the years of my life... dancing. spark my nature, sugar fly with me. so, mention dance party, and you can bet your buns, i'm there. dancing. and, yes... it helps that i've studied many forms of dance and have a pretty keen sense of my kinesthetic awareness and can hold a beat and drop it like it's hot and other various shit... i'm not an asshole, ya dig? i'm just trynna get my groove on... same as you.* 

o.m.g. not the case. when those girls said dance party, i said yaaaaaaaa! (waving my bottle of prosecco over my head). and when i started groovin' they turned their backs to me and shuffled off to the kitchen... left me dancing to p.y.t. all by myself. fine. have it your way then. where did you come from lady, and ooh won't you take me there.

i kept on dancing.

(i found some pretty rad texts the next morning in my outbox to jt...) let me take you to the max.

in the end, it was not the worst night... even though it doesn't sound like it from this post. i was out. there were sparklers. a couple of good smooches. and i made some awesome voice recordings of swoony mcgee (we should find a new name for him) and his pal from alaska.

hey 2012. i've been waiting all year for you. welcome.

twinkle from here and nails from here. the words are michael jackson's. obvi. pyt.

good news tuesday...

i was just explaining to some folks that i am a fake quilter. i sew stuff together and pretend it's a quilt... but it isn't actually a quilt. it's a fake quilt... see? here it is:

fake quilt hanging on the wall. (it's hella colorful because i made it when i was living in new york and not loving that dark grey life...)

so imagine my serendipitous surprise when my dear friend sweet t posted this on the old facebook!

WHO: Rebekah Werth hosts…

WHAT: A two-part beginning quilting workshop to kick off the new year!

WHERE: Gravel & Gold

WHEN: January 19th & January 26th both starting at 7:00pm.

WHY: We will meet for two nights for about two hours each night & learn the basics of quilt construction: how to plan a design with squares and rectangles, how to cut with a rotary cutter, how to pin, how to piece on a machine, how to press. The finished quilt will be a mini-quilt, or baby quilt sized.  Quilters can complete their tops at home before the next session, sewing by hand or on a machine. Quilters should bring at least 1 yard each of 3 different fabrics that “go together” for them. One suggestion is to choose one light, one medium, and one dark fabric.

In the second class we will cover how to make a quilt “sandwich,” how to tie a quilt, and options for binding. Quilters will need to bring their completed tops, batting or an old blanket for the inside, a piece of fabric to use for the back, and a pack of safety pins. Quilters will get set up to complete their projects at home. It would be helpful if participants have experience sewing a straight line on a machine, but not necessary. This is a class for real beginners.

HOW: Sliding scale donation for instruction starting at $10. Please RSVP to em@gravelandgold.com so we can make space for you!

i've already rsvp'd. so has sweet t. and if you live in san francisco... become a real quilter with us! oh, and it's at gravel & gold, a super awesome space that i have never been to but discovered way before i moved out here. sooooooo excited!

this has nothing to do with my quilting obsession, but did i tell you that my betsie's boyfriend came to my house last week at 6:45 am with this in tow...?

whaaaa? i hope you can tell by the bookshelves that this thing is taller than i am, literally. what in the hell am i going to do with this? oy. 

love you. (and remember to come quilt with me!!)

it's all research...

hindsight is 20/20 right? the first time i heard that phrase i didn't understand it. and to be honest, i still don't. now, for different reasons... but it seems that there is no way for reflection to be that cut and dry.

these days it seems to be about gut reactions. when i'm telling my friends or big red about an event or a person and i mention my gut reaction, they say layla, always trust your instinct. it just isn't that clear, though. when my instinct says no. stop. back away. and i don't listen... so this is the city, so this is progress. how can something so pretty become such a mess? in the end, i always wish i had. when my instinct says yes. go. fly. don't look back. i listen. but, if i fall... i wish i hadn't. so, when do we know when to trust ourselves? and will hindsight really provide a clear answer?

i'm not swooning as hard today. and my hindsight is about 20/3000. at best. i have no idea where i stand at the moment... and i'm ok with it. because when my gut and my heart said yes. go. fly. don't look back.  i listened. i did as it told me. i flew fast and hard. and for a short time, it was glorious... it still might be, or i may not get the outcome i had anticipated. but i'm not desperate for an outcome. i am, for certain, interested in the information i am gathering along the way. you know that i'm good for it. you know i can pay.

my favorite (i use that term loosely, because they were all my faves) professor in grad school was a woman who taught, mainly, anatomy for movers. she. is. brilliant. and so candid. we were chatting once after a particularly emotional moment in my life (quelle surprise...) about her partner. she and her long-term boyfriend have a really functionally beautiful relationship, and when she described it she mentioned she had to do a lot of research before finding him. well put, non?

there is no more than this steel and stone, more than this flesh and bone. there is a little piece of land in me, no other man can own.

so, it's all research. 

am i making mistakes along the way? shit ya. and hopefully, they will be part of the fuel that leads to the next bit of research. and it could turn into a long-term project, you know?

i have nothing to say except, what is this life with no love along the way?

pics from here and here. these beauties of lyrics by devotchka. along the way from a mad and faithful telling. know this band please. and if you do know them, literally, introduce me, yes? thank you.

have i told you today...

your city is remarkable not only for its beauty. it is also, of all the cities in the united states, the one whose name, world over, conjures up the most visions and more than any other city incites one to dream. - geroges pompidou

i decided to move to san francisco for no reason. i had never even been here before. but something about the magic of this place... i knew we would have love affair. and love we've had. so, dear san francisco, thank you for letting me live here. 

happy new year to us. i love you.