not about... [part one]

this is part one of a two (maybe three) part post.

--

i've written and deleted this post on a daily basis since december 14. that was the day of the sandy hook elementary school shooting in newtown, connecticut.

i've been a whole mixed bag of thoughts and feelings and shit since this happened and am filled with questions about our world.

why?

i grew up in long beach, california in a lovely neighborhood by the beach. long beach has a long-standing reputation of being a rough community filled with gang violence and boasts to be the home of more than one nationally-known gang. at times, this reputation is true. though, it does not rule our community.

growing up, i knew of shootings, drive-bys, gang initiations and city-wide riots. i went to high school with a young man who was killed by gun violence. i also went to school with a young man who was convicted of murder.

i have never lived in fear. never thought i could be next.

when i hear the dialogue about the state of our nation's politics as it relates to gun control and protection after an even like sandy hook, i can only express concern and confusion. when i hear that a common response is to put armed police officers in every school in our country - or to encourage educators to carry weapons in the classroom - this is when i begin to consider fear. fear that this is what it's come to.

we are a country living in fear.

this evening i read this post by one of my absolute favorite bloggers, hila at le projet d'amour. the post is incredibly brilliant and highly charged, which i love, and is as it should be. hila touches on some exceptional issues surrounding victim-blaming in cases of rape and sexual assault. as you may have already guessed, i've got whole pile of opinions on this... tonight, my take-away thought that provoked this post, is the idea that telling a woman to dress more conservatively, to wear flats instead of heels, to be sober 100% of the time or to never be alone, ever, promotes fear. fear that we are not safe. we are educating and encouraging women to not get raped, instead of telling rapists not to rape.

Change is not going to magically happen if we keep regurgitating this crap over and over again – if we keep telling women that it’s their responsibility to make sure they don’t get raped, rather than telling rapists not to rape. 

ok. so i'm having a couple of conversations at the same time here... but i'm hoping you get where i'm going with this. 

how on earth can we ask ourselves to carry more weapons and expect to avoid weapon-driven violence? i took hours upon hours of gang-related, anti-violence, d.a.r.e-type classroom modules throughout elementary school. it worked for me, personally, though i know it didn't resonate with everyone.

what is missing? how do we regain control and live proactively? 

--

check back in the next few days as i continue to delve into the ideas of education, communication, dialogue and mental wellness as a response to living in fear in part two.

image found here.

if that's your style...

i don't generally like being told what to do.

i saw a blog post recently that had a title something like this: trends to leave behind in 2012. it was a complete guide on what should absolutely be left behind, under-no-circumstance-should-you-ever-wear-navajo-print-ever-again, especially in 2013 kind of post.

it was endless. and i found myself thinking, shit. i love navajo print. wait.

what?

navajo print?

are you kidding me?

not native american print. not southwestern print. navajo. only one of the 550-ish federally recognized tribes in the united states alone. it is their print? they lay claim to that style of textile? and you did the research to back that up? (my assumption is no. and it is an assumption - something i'm working at not doing anymore - so if you did do the research. i apologize. i think my thoughts are still relevant, though.)

for the record, the navajo nation website does not include a section on its peoples' prints as a staple of culture.

i know, it's not that big of a deal... only it is. in tiny corners of the blog world, bits and pieces of gross generalization are becoming the norm - mainstream. and we tend to make excuses for people all too much. excusing bloggers, writers and reporters who had "good intentions" or "didn't mean it that way."

so. check it. mean it. say what you mean. mean what you say. and think before you hit publish or send.

this blog that i'm referring to, i can't even find it again. i google searched trends to leave behind in 2012, and i got thousands of posts. not the specific one i was looking for, though. so whoever the author of that post is... is probably not making a huge dent in the grande lexicon of it all. hell, neither am i. however, i am thinking. listening. counting on you and me to hold me and this blog accountable. to let me know, respectfully, when i say something asinine or disrespectful.

because really, it's what creates dialogue. it's what we thrive on to continue to learn and to create change and awareness in our techno-centric world in 2013. the human component.

oy. this was supposed to be a post about how i've always loved southwestern print, high-ponytail buns (currently known as the top-knot), bold colors and feather prints/accessories. (all of which i am to leave behind in 2012 to avoid social ridicule and embarrassment. eff that.)

so. hey, fashion blogger i can't find - i'm gonna keep wearing all these faux pas things, as i've always done. i'll just wait until they come back around in another twenty to fifty years - i'll be trendy again then!

please don't tell me what to do, how to think or what to wear. as nene leakes of the real housewives of atlanta once brilliantly and so eloquently said, if that's your style, that's your style.

thanks ne!

with love & gratitude...

it was last year at this time, when things were sour... when i was desperately searching for some semblance of control, peace, understanding and grasping for the seedlings of forgiveness.

it's been quite a year. taking ownership and responsibility for all the things that happen in my life. acknowledging the pieces of the puzzle that i have control over and meditating on the pieces that i don't... in order to choose my responses and reactions.

a new job. some dumb ass human interactions. the loss of my dearest grandpa jim. a hawaiian and a mexican vacation. countless conversations with big red, tonyguest and my favorite pals. anger. frustration. gratitude. jordan.

there have been some relapses, some triumphs and a shit-ton of growth. everyday.

full.

at this time last year, my neighbors put up a community wish list to santa. they covered their garage door with paper, set out sharpies and let the community have at it. it's up again.

it's pretty remarkable, don't you think? this is what i asked for last year...

and here's what's up this year...

if you can't read my scrawly handwriting...

dear santa,

thanks for bringing me exactly what i asked for last year... take this year off! you deserve a break!

with love & gratitude,

lg

here's to another year of growth, faith and hope!

jake and layla make a dance...

jake and i have been talking a lot lately about owning our happiness. that idea (sometimes seemingly obvious... but if you're human like me, shit. making mistakes and learning how to be the layla i actually want to be isn't always my initial reaction...) that being happy comes from being inside of what really drives you. you. not what others validate as an acceptable form of expression. doing what i need to do to be happy is key for me right now. for as much as i think i know about myself, there's always more. and i'm usually the last one on the obvious bandwagon, you know?

so, as i mourn the loss of one great pal, i've got another who is allowing and encouraging me to own the things that make me, me.

jake and i are making a dance together. yes. our friend ryan asked if it would be an adventure with a lot of spinning/twirling... he's interested in that. i think we'll have to throw some in to keep him engaged,

but seriously, we had a rehearsal on saturday. i am a better person because of it. for so many reasons. being in the studio is always beautiful/exciting/challenging. and when it's with someone that i trust and respect as a collaborator... shit is magical.

basically, we rolled around for two hours. which, isn't too far off from what we used to do back when we worked in the same building... but intentions were different. it was like being in grad school again. we played with patterns and tricked our brains into moving in ways that are not our comfortable lexicon. pure joy.

i'll post some video one of these days... for now, i'm enjoying how high it leaves me. seriously... i can feel the effects for days. owning this joy (with a little help from my friends...).

ps... for about a year now, jake has been saying this to me: i was meant to be a dancer. me too, buddy.

act right...

you ever get that suspiscious feeling? for no reason other than you feel it in your gut? (i forget which rule it is, but i'm pretty sure it's one of gibbs' rules... always trust your gut). you know... you walk in a room and the conversation stops. immediately, i think they've been talking about me... probably, they've been talking about something private... classified if you will, and i don't have the appropriate clearance level (forgive, i did fall asleep watching ncis reruns). that's one of those silly ones. a get over it one.

but the real one... especially when you're an artist. when you think... i've seen that before. i've read that before. i've written that before. and the thought goes flying through your brain: shit, gurl, did you just plagiarize me?!

it's tricky territory, i know. intellectual property is so nebulous for us human beings. we thrive off the exchange of ideas, the transfer of information and the simple (though often complicated) interaction with one another on a daily basis. but when someone inspires me to create something new, i say so. (and ps... when i see your beautiful photos, i pin them and then link this here blog to my pinnie-poos, that way you'll get credit. the point is, i'm trying... through technology, i'm trynna get it right... you know?!)

just give some cred. say, i was inspired by someone to make this new (for me) thing. otherwise, we get into that beyonce territory. it becomes stealing, and when there is more than six degrees of separation, not everyone gets that you've been inspired by someone else... and then maybe you inspire someone else... and on and on and on. and there's no history. there's no lineage, no way to say thank you to whoever thought of it all in the beginning. i know... i'm getting emotional.

pardon the rant. 

i'm craving reciprocal respect and positive human interaction. and i promise, i will write a letter to beyonce soon.

and act right. 

these pics can be found on my pinterest... the board is called words.

on ownership, part deux...

this is the [long awaited] part 2 of a series on ownership. part 1 found here.

since most of you know i don't have a tv these days, which i'm sure still amazes tony guest to no end, as he could never peel me away from it as a kid... guess i'm really growin' up, huh dad? at any rate, not having a tv means i watch my tv on the internet. sometimes a whole series at a time (hello dowtnon abbey, what!? more on that later). but, i also watch a lot of youtube, read a lot of blogs (duh) and listen to/learn about new music. so, if you're an internet sensation... i've probably heard of you. it's no wonder my friends never call after 9pm, they know i'm otherwise engaged...

the point? beyonce. i'm so mad at her. still. huh? maybe you don't know about this... the internet has calmed down on all of this, but i'm still pretty heated. and for a couple of weeks last fall, the internets were a blazin'... and i liked it! you see, as soon as the video for countdown was released, my heart sunk. let's be clear. i. loved. beyonce. love. love. loved. and i'm not sure how forgivable it is at this point...

watch these:
(at least watch the last two, they're the ones that hold all of the information)

1. beyonce's video for countdown. directors: adria petty and beyonce knowles.

2. for those with short attention spans... a quick look at some pretty clear acts of pagiarism. video from studio brussel.

3. the kicker. put your glasses on. put it on full screen and watch. please. from here.

change of plans kiddos... watch these and let them marinate, ok? i'll be back tomorrow with the letter i'd like to send to beyonce. anybody have her address?

image from here. also, if i forget... remind me to buy toilet paper by the end of the week. please. 

on ownership...

this is part one of a (three...?) part series.

so, i'll thank you all in advance for allowing me to continue to navigate this process... you see, since this, i've been receiving so much. love. support. kind words. obtrusive words. smiles. just plain generous outpours of kindness. thank you.

but, i'm finding it interesting that when i am not in a relationship, the conversations i witness are vastly different than when i am in a relationship. my [mostly single] girlfriends speak without filters. about their fears, their hopes and their dreams for relationships. and 99% of the time i am so happy to listen and contribute to the discussion.

freedom.

but there are times when i have to fight the urge to vomit. as much as i loved the sex and the city series... i can't help but wonder (see what i did there)... have we given these [failed] relationships and men too much ownership? talking incessantly about them. questioning our actions. asking/begging for advice. for translation of gestures. signs. plotting outfits and behavior to make ourselves more attractive. don't be afraid of your freedom. because, for some, it's all consuming. and that worries me. (and you know how i worry... too much).

you see, i am currently working in an industry in which gender normatives are still so stereotypical and running rampant. i can hardly look some of my co-workers in the eye because i fear i will start shouting shit about equality and why their misogynistic views are archaic, insulting and embarrassing. but, i need to keep my job. so i move along. some days it pains me more than others. 'cause i'm free to do what i want, any old time. i should probably tell you more about this at a later date, though. get my sarah lawrence on.

i'll be clear, i went/am still going through many stages of grief. shock. pain. circling back to shock, passing through anger. sadness. numbness. hitting up anger again, and again. depression. but moving on to finding solace. healing. it's such a process. (and my sex and the city phase was 100% a part of it). and now i'm here... taking back ownership. because as she so wisely put it... it's your heart. not his. so, i'm moving past carrie and charlotte's advice and making my own. i'm free to be who i choose. own. ownership.


i wrote a long list of things that i would do in order to take back ownership, but deleted it, because well... that list can be for me. ok?

the important part is that i will forgive myself. i will take responsibility for my contributions to our tumultuous relationship and inevitable demise. i will accept that i made excuses for both of us. but i will not excuse his behavior. i don't own that.

free like a butterfly. free like a bee.

ownership is scary and it's a huge responsibility. because it means that i'm on the hook for my actions. but, dear goddess, it means that i can be creative with it all. i will choose. i will change. i will make mistakes. i will fail. and i will triumph. but, all mine. all me. and when it's time... share it with the ones i treasure. these are the words i hear.

(know this... the other parts of this series are not about me, per se. obvi, they're my opinions and what-not... but, i'll finally tell you why i'm so mad at beyonce. and then we'll talk abramovic. the law. trust. it'll be something different).

remember these words? i'm free, by the soup dragons. summer of '91 at hearts bend in vermont... i listened to that cassette tape a lot. this is martin creed's work from the national gallery of scotland. brill. tenderness from here.