weekend playlist...

this weekend's playlist isn't.

it's been a doozy of a weekend... remembering hana in a way that honors her spirit, while also attending a completely confusing memorial service.

at any rate. i discovered this music this weekend while perusing the kinfolk magazine videos. i think hana would have been a pretty remarkable inspiration for these folks. so, here's my new favorite tune...




i love you.

all's quiet on the leftern front...

i drove to work in the dark yesterday. driving south on 101 at 5:07am is dark and calm. and just over the san francisco airport was a waxing crescent moon. riding low and saying good morning with that wide smile of hers.

the rest of the day felt still. still and quiet.

a welcomed change.

even as i came home in the city's bustling 8 o'cock hour, my little corner of the castro felt eerily quiet. no book club to peek in on at books inc. no line of cars waiting for the light at 16th and market. plenty of open parking. and a crispy breeze through empty streets reminds me how much space there can actually be in my dense little city.

i think the universe knew exactly what i needed.

i lost one of the dearest women in my life this weekend. it's fair to say that i have loved four people equally in my lifetime... with an equal sense of familial love. my mom and dad. hana and john kapu. john left many years ago. hana left late last week. oh it hurts.

though i'm working to celebrate and honor her life rather than ache uncontrollably in her death.

an extra hug today to everyone.

the good work...

i haven't seen jordan in a while. since thanksgiving, i think. we had a few on again-off again weekends before that. and before that - a month apart. it's getting regular. one week on, one week off. it's like being the kid in a divorce, which neither of us know anything about - only we're not. we're just apart.

when i look back into my relationship past, which i've been doing a lot lately thanks to some really whacky dreams, i don't know that i could have ever imagined or predicted or acknowledged the likelihood of my current situation. i've been a now - right now - i want what i want when i say that i want it - kind of gal for almost always. so, to be here, in the kind of relationship that is so good in the now, even though our physical now is always in counting the days till our next weekend, i'm surprising myself.

i told jordan last night that i thought we had gotten to the point in our time together when we get to do the work. you know, the good stuff. the details. the nitty gritty. the real work. am i crazy? (duh) because i meant it in the greatest way. like, look! we've not fucked it up. and we still like each other. 

after some confusion, we got there. probably because i didn't have a big old emotional meltdown and because we both used our adult words and let each other take turns talking. and that was exactly it - doing the solid talk-work stuff to understand each other, instead of avoiding each other or hurting each other's feelings.

he's my favorite jordan-boyfriend-partner-man. ever.

high-five lover!

pinterest for the photos.

with love & gratitude...

it was last year at this time, when things were sour... when i was desperately searching for some semblance of control, peace, understanding and grasping for the seedlings of forgiveness.

it's been quite a year. taking ownership and responsibility for all the things that happen in my life. acknowledging the pieces of the puzzle that i have control over and meditating on the pieces that i don't... in order to choose my responses and reactions.

a new job. some dumb ass human interactions. the loss of my dearest grandpa jim. a hawaiian and a mexican vacation. countless conversations with big red, tonyguest and my favorite pals. anger. frustration. gratitude. jordan.

there have been some relapses, some triumphs and a shit-ton of growth. everyday.

full.

at this time last year, my neighbors put up a community wish list to santa. they covered their garage door with paper, set out sharpies and let the community have at it. it's up again.

it's pretty remarkable, don't you think? this is what i asked for last year...

and here's what's up this year...

if you can't read my scrawly handwriting...

dear santa,

thanks for bringing me exactly what i asked for last year... take this year off! you deserve a break!

with love & gratitude,

lg

here's to another year of growth, faith and hope!

all this and heaven too...

last weekend i was in the adirondacks. you've heard me rant about new york before.

but this new york is different. we flew into syracuse and had to drive two-ish hours north/north-east to get to the town where jordan grew up. the house he grew up in. the school he went to... it was pretty magical. which, i find so interesting, because he currently lives around the corner from where i went to high school. in my city. he can hear the bells that signal passing period.

but anyway... what i found so magical is the very deep rooted and true love that his family has for this part of the world. the north country. his father and brother, especially, kept remarking at how beautiful everything looked. and they live there (well, sort of... braden lives in ithaca, but for a native californian, like me... it's almost the same thing). they see this everyday. i admired, so much, each of their ability to stop, and take it all in. again and again.

braden and i were sitting at the (most incredible vintage diner-style-complete-with-vinyl-covered-chairs!!!!!!) table, looking out over the lake, when he said, this is heaven to me. he's a pretty poetic guy.  really? i asked. and without skipping a beat, he asked where my heaven is. i had to skip so many beats. i stumbled and stuttered before asking for more time to think about it... 

and i've thought about it so much since i left the north country. because, in that moment... sitting with this gorgeous home-grown mountain gang, that could very well be a heaven. 

i have so many heavens.

anywhere with tony and louise.

anywhere with jordan.

brown ledge.

sarah lawrence.

hawai'i.

hana and john's front yard.

the ocean at the end of santa ana avenue.

l.a. in the sunshine.

rome.

nice.

i'll take the universe as my heaven, please.

names...

fyi... jordan and i are notorious for getting ahead of ourselves. always. and regularly. i think it was the first weekend he came to visit and i was driving him to the airport... he said, this was pretty great right? right. we should probably just get married. yep.

......

when i was little i always experimented with writing my name with someone else's last name. ok, with whoever my handsome boy-crush at the moment was... his last name. sometimes a boy from science class and sometimes a celebrity... layla taylor-thomas (remember jtt?!). 

at any rate, a few years ago when i was in a relationship that made me think about our future i realized that i didn't want to change my name. if i got married, i wanted to remain layla guest. and to be honest, i didn't really like my boyfriend's last name. not a very good reason, but it sure did spawn a lot of thought on the whole issue. and thought, of course turns into conversation.

the number of men and women who had emotionally charged reactions to the idea of name change really surprised me. 

-no, i don't want to be labeled as a man's property.

-yes, it's the only way we will feel like a family.

-how about hyphenated last names?

-why doesn't the man change his name?

-yes, it's tradition.

and, of course, there are hundreds of blog posts dedicated to this subject... from hundreds of points of view. and that's the interesting part... point of view.

last night jordan and i were skyping and i asked him how he would feel if i changed my last name to his, allen. he said that would be fine. and when i asked him how he would feel if i didn't change my name he said that would be fine. and then he said something interesting... i would want our children to have my last name.

interesting.

when we talked further he mentioned the desire to carry on his family name. so, i told him i wanted to carry on my family name too, so maybe one child could be allen and one could be guest. he didn't so much love that idea... and well, i was stirring the pot a bit (on purpose, of course).

then i mentioned that i though about the idea of changing my middle name to guest and my last name to allen. he really didn't like that idea, stating that nicole, my middle name, was one that my parents gave me. that it was a first name and i could never get rid of it! which struck me. and, of course, i had to point out... nicole is a name i rarely associate with. i think i only use it when i answer those silly questions about finding your star trek name by adding the first two letters of your first name with the first four letters of your middle name, then multiply it by seven and add the second syllable of your third pet's name but only if that pet lived on the first street you lived on, or whatever. 

but, it's not a problem to just up and get rid of my last name altogether?!

so here's the thing. my parents gave me the name layla guest because they (probably big red more so than tonyguest) thought it would look good written in lights! nicole is more of an afterthought, because, well... i needed a middle name. and the thought of changing my middle name was more significant to dear jordan than changing my last name; the name that i say (yes, guest. like a house guest. or a guest room. no, i'm not asking you to guess my last name...) at least 14 times per day. 

point of view... ours are so different. all the time... but it makes for great conversation.

though, in the end, i think he got my point.

but, i still have no idea whether i will change my name someday. i guest i'll just keep you posted (see what i did there...?!)

image found here.

mother/father...

today is big red and tony's wedding anniversary! nice job you two. i woke up nice and early to watch the sunrise just for the occasion...

l is for the way...

it's labor day. there's a rule about white pants related to this day, but as it turns out i'm not super into the rules. you know? today, labor day meant that i only had to work a half day. mini days sure are great. although, when i woke up, my out of town guest was still here, and when i got home he was en route back to long beach... so here's the deal team: i'm in a long distance relationship.

yes.

on the same weekend that i had a brown ledge reunion (which is just plain old good ju-ju), i met this guy. he's in my life now. and here's the deal. we had to have a come-to-jesus talk about this blog. was i going to be the kind of blogger that never mentioned her significant other? hell no. so, maybe the kind that had some sort of code-name for him? eh, maybe. nah, y'all, his name is jordan. he's remarkable. and he lives in long beach. minor detail.

jake darling invited me to the park that weekend to sit around. i went thinking it would be just us. so i did not put on my cutest outfit. i had not brushed my hair in a day or three. i was a teensy bit hanged-over and i still had only half a voice. when i walked up and saw a pile of people, jake made fun of me for sounding like a river-rat. the first words of actual substance out of my mouth were fuck you. oh, hi. jordan is it? nice to meet you. pardon my everything.

turns out jordan didn't so much care. i am convinced he's quite delusional. he not only found me attractive, but actually mentioned to our mutual friends that he thought i was very cool. and that it was very cool to meet me. (he says cool a lot. i think it's cool).

i was fairly convinced that i'd never see him again, and wasn't super excited about that. but, darling jarrett got on the old facebook and told us to get it together already and be friends. being the free-thinking, independent-spirited adult i am, i followed his instructions diligently and friend requested this bearded new yorker.

long to short. facebook messages turned into emails, emails turned into phone calls. and phone calls have turned into a handful or so of dollars worth of round trip airplane tickets, a killer mixtape, a wedding in healdsburg (not ours), countless endless conversations (some easier than others), a lot of laughing until our bellies hurt, a few new friends, some tears, a meeting with tony guest and big red and a whole lot of love. that's right. l.o.v.e.

the parallels in our lives are uncanny. we've gotten to a point that when our stories don't have some kind of bizarre parallel with some far-off memory from the corner of our brains, we think that's the weird part.

so, we're giving it a go. send us your good energy would you? i love you. oh! and. i'm 30 now.

us...

oh my posts are lacking. i said it before and i'm not afraid to say it again... it is not for lack of inspiration. in fact, it is quite the contrary. team, let me tell you. my life is full of inspiration these days. the past 18 days in particular... but even before then. there is clarity up in here. i am grateful.

oh, the things i need to tell you. all will come. in time. for now, how 'bout this.... i got this in an email...

accompanied by the message: this is what i think you and i will look like to other people.


but here's what's even better. when i clicked on the image attachment to save it to my little computer, it showed up with the title he gave it when he saved it... you following? he saved it as us. melt.


and so, while my words in print are few, there is an abundance everywhere else. big red was in town for the weekend, saw moonrise kingdom (again), went to the gaultier exhibit and generally delighted each other. work is good. that cat is good too. here are just a few photos (that's code for: i still can't find the right words, so i'll distract you with shiny pictures instead...)...

the picture was found via this tumblr. 

breaking up is hard to do...

remember that song by neil sedaka? here's the thing, it was playing in whole foods on friday while i was buying the ingredients for a meal i was preparing to make for a pal. i hadn't heard it in ages, but somehow i knew every word... i be-bopped through the produce department and even kick-ball-changed my way to the meat counter. for a song about such an emotionally taxing event, it's got a great beat and a lot of doobie doo's to sing-a-long with!

the following night, i broke up with that same pal i was shopping for... as a friend.

have you ever done it? usually, when i'm ready to be done/need to be done with a friendship, i let it fade away. cowardly really. i stop calling. i stop responding. fade.

but this time i did it. i said all the things that i needed to say. the things that i usually wish i had said when i look back at the situation.

it was awful. and arduous.

you see. i love[d] this friend. but as much as we rallied our friendship around our mutual ability to be fiercely loyal, it turns out he couldn't hold up his end of the bargain. i think he fooled himself into believing that his untruths were true. that the issues he created were actually my issues. hell. no. m.f.

my usual nature is to ignore the issues. lie to myself and pretend its all ok, because when we're together, we have a great time. it's as though i'm telling myself that having a dysfunctional friendship is better than having no friendship at all. that's dangerous. last night i picked up my bravery and said no thanks. ok, not exactly that politely... whoops.

you see, we met for drinks, ate dinner and then had one more drink. when i was in the bathroom at the bar i thought to myself, leave. you shouldn't stick around for this shit kind of friendship. tell him his behavior is not ok and get the fuck out. but i didn't. instead i went back to the bar and ordered another drink, sat down and feigned interest in whatever we were talking about.

as big red pointed out... honey, that's a line in an eagles song... take another shot of courage, wonder why the right words never come. my liquid courage came in the form of rye whiskey.

but, after he walked me home. all the right words came. well, right might not be totally accurate. i could have been wayyy more eloquent. probably, it would have been more effective without tears pouring out of my eyes... but i did say it. don't call. don't be my friend. i don't deserve this mess that you've created. 

part of me hopes that he'll come to his senses and get it together... though, the realist in me (who rarely makes appearances) knows that it's highly unlikely. i will forever be thankful for the brief bits of lovely friendship that we did share, though.

xoxo. be kind. love your friends as you love yourself. and remind me to do the same when i forget, ok? thanks. find all these pictures on various boards on my pinterest.

on repeat...

all day e'ry day:



i think i have a crush on her. lp. from ny, livin' in la. it's called into the wild.

you're welcome.

i spy with my little... nose...

you ever get a whiff of something and it sends you somewhere else completely? often, i smell rome in the air. but, perhaps that's just the combination of exhaust and cigarettes on a warm day. today i got a really good one, though. while i was searching for a flip flop in the bowels of my closet. on hands and knees, i smelled heart's bend.

heart's bend was a truly magical place. the first summer camp i went to, '91 and '92. six weeks each glorious summer. no parents. no rules, really. tucked into the back roads of newfane, vermont... a stone's throw from my grammy lou's house over on hill road... you know, just before you reach the old round school house. people in vermont talk that way for real, y'all... old trees as mile markers and old so and so's place as play boundaries. magic.

i'm not sure what, exactly, gave me that swirl of heart's bend, but it triggered so much imagery. my blonde bowl cut (modeled after chyna phillips. you know, from wilson phillips. duh), crabapple trees, a sweat lodge, the well we sourced all of our water from (hence the one shower per week rule... awesome at ages 8 and 9), the tiny pond we took baths in with dr. bronner's castille soap (for those weeks when one shower simply wouldn't do) and our outdoor amphitheatre in the woods. man, shit was amazing there.

it was the first place that i was introduced to music beyond the records of my parents... we would lay in the fields near the leantos for hours... wishing on stars and counting firelies, listening to the soupdragons, the red hot chili peppers, the beastie boys and weird al yankovic... i know.

a few years ago, i reconnected with the camp director. she sold the land not long after my final summer there. we reminisced about the magic. it was a place for everyone. truly. we had representatives from almost every continent. people spoke to each other in two different languages at a time. who knows if we ever actually understood each other, per se... but we communicated. you know?

we ate family style - eating what we grew in our garden. we made epic horror films with the college student counselors. we had camp color wars and peace talks. talent shows. overnight camping trips. joni mitchell sing-a-longs. we fed our farm animals and milked cows. composted. we went cliff jumping at the swim hole called indian love call. endless memories.

but, what i am forever grateful for... for the gift my dad and his family tradition of summer camping gave me... storytelling. every night, every day... we told stories. sometimes one person at a time, other times in groups... contributing as a community. magic. magic. magic. instilling a quality of imagination-promotion that was exactly what i needed as an 8 and 9 year old.

if you have time, read this from vermont woman newspaper. the article, about our camp director, nina meyerhof, speaks to the nature of what heart's bend was. pretty beautiful.

newfane road sign from here. that group photo is from heart's bend... but before my time. i found it here.

try new foods...

that's something we say in our family. a lot. try new foods. when i was a kid it was a literal statement. usually, i only wanted to eat bread, pizza, pizza bread, noodles, pancakes or generally anything that could be traced back to a grain... mmmmm. so, whenever something foreign came across my plate (read: fruits, vegetables, vegetables and vegetables) my dear old dad would say bean bean, tryyyyyyy new foods. in that sing-songy, look at me from the corner of his eye, mischievous smile on face kind of way that only my dad can master. inevitably, i would. generally it was ok, except for that one time with the cooked carrots. but, i try not to think about that too much. bad.

later in life, try new foods became metaphorical. for new experiences, adventures and challenges. it was our guest-family way of encouraging one another under the radar. it's our tagline now. sometimes tony guest will leave me a voicemail that says only, hi doodle, try new foods.


all of this has become so much more relevant lately. every day i have to try new foods. and every day i think about this little blog that i am continually ignoring. i hate ignoring this here bloggy-poo. if you've read more than one post, you've maybe noticed a few things. 1) big red is a major player in my life. (and it should be said... tony guest is infinitely as important... but in a more subtle manner). 2) this family of mine holds hell of importance all 'round. 3) i am this way because of these crazy ass people... and i am super into discovering the little details that i notice in my life that i can trace right back to big red or that tony man.

so... here we go again friends. change does a body (and a blog?) good. mother/father's daughter. we can find about 18 trillion blogs about being a new parent, being the best mommy or coolest daddy... but here i am doing what i know how to do, but also what i don't. writing about what i know how to write, but also what i don't...  most days i'm figuring out new ways to make it all make sense. being a daughter. knowing only what has happened so far... in close to thirty years. anticipating the next thirty.

so try a new food, won't you? mother/father's daughter... that's me. and here's who made me:

i know, right!? this is the late 70's in brookline, vermont. when my mom met my dad's mom for the first time... you can't really tell, but big red's wearing hot pants! what what. trust.

i love you.

tv dialogue...

oooooooohhhhh, i'm with big red right now. here's the best part about my new job... they have sent me to la for a new training, but asked me to stay at home to save money. i mean if i have to, i'll stay with big red... what what?! it's almost like being on vacation!

so, here's what's happening right now... and you need to know:

big red is in our (my old, now her office/yoga/sewing) room ironing. only, if you're big red, you say urnin'... cause that's how the bruinettes say it. long beach, i love you.

every now and then she pauses from the urnin' to file a nail. but, only one-ish at a time... reasonable.

here are the commercials that we watched and she loves so much she buckled over laughing:

one of the happy cows come from california commercials. hysterical.

a target commercial where brightly colored acrobats come out of a hot air balloon... she acted it out!

oh, and then the one where steven spielberg tells us that if we are not directly related to a military service person, someone we know and love is. her response? mmmhhhhmmmmm, i know dat's right....

every now and then she hiccups.

and then files another nail.

y'all she is my hero. if i am half of who she is when i'm 60, i'll be plenty pleased with my life.

oh, and the girl's got on gold hoop earrings (also pronounced urns, shit gets confusing around here).

ok, parting words... did i tell you we (the bruinettes) be havin' our banquet at the mormon church??? pardonnez, moi?! all normal conversations whilst watching ncis... love her. love you.


bye.

a different camp, for different girls...

you guys, my organs are shifting again. i can feel it. it's kind of like that anxious feeling, only wayyyyy lower. deep down in my gut. there's work, and life, and love and all the unknown that comes along with it. and even though there has been so much change recently, i'm craving more. it's as though i got all changed up, started spinning on a different track, but also got flipped over. and i need just a little bit more to be on the right speed again. you know? (hey, big red... if you're reading, don't worry, all is well. i am well. just feeling reflective is all). she gets worried about me sometimes.

i've been sitting with my palms faced down in my variations of seated meditation lately... to keep me grounded. and i remembered, recently, how nothing has ever kept me as grounded as those fifteen summers i spent in vermont. thirteen of them at brown ledge.

i found this poem not too long ago. one of my bunkies re-organized the where i'm from template, by george ella lyon... to be about brown ledge. it's not a story, and probably isn't clear to anyone but a bunkie, but i need it to be here today. thanks...

brown ledge is about prayer flags that hang over the canoe dock, a brand new nalgene and table decorations.

brown ledge is about knowing every rock and root on the point; you could walk it at night, blindfolded.

it's about dirt stuck under your toenails, woodchips in your birkenstocks, dried petals from rose ceremonies past and the sweet smell of citronella and gun powder from the rifle range.

brown ledge is fred and twylla. it's the smile i recognize in maddie's face from her mama. it is eva singing goodnight sweetheart to me as a homesick ten year old, playing duck duck goo-us with samuel swift and dancing to i am a ballerina with rosebud.

it's about watching my beautiful ex-smuggs and ship ahoyians become extraordinary young women.

it's about swinging along the open road under a sky that's clear and hittin' em in the head and sockin' em in the eye, so that our bones will rise again.

it's the best of times when you watch your bunkie get her vanguard, releasing the anxiety of whether you will get yours... because at that moment, she is much more important than you. and it's the worst of times when you sing the goodnight song as a second year jc for the last time at the awards ceremony.

brown ledge is about dancing out the lyrics to your favorite song with your campers in strawberry hut.

brown ledge is about giggles, comfort, happy tears and always some sad ones.

brown ledge is the time marty promised he would shave his head and buy me every flavor of ben and jerry's if all of the theatre jc's got their sailing basics in one day. it was the most illegitimate basic of that summer, but now i know... ready to jib, jib ho!

brown ledge is my love, that is always unconditional.

brown ledge on my finger, every day.

first photo is from brownledge.org... check it out. if you have a daughter, it'll change her life. change. love you.

best...

yesterday is one for the record books. such a brilliant day. jake and i had a bunch of together time... which can generally make me nervous, but we're pretty good at being friends. probably, i don't have to worry about too much together time.

we met for coffee at philz (duh) and then hit the road for the world savvy challenge. world savvy is an amazing organization promoting students k-12 to become active, educated, participatory and responsible global citizens. read about them, for real.

so jake and i were volunteer judges for the world savvy challenge. we watched performances, looked at exhibits and observed round table discussions about the need for change as it relates to sustainable communities. what what?! ya, junior high and high school students talking about using bamboo as a resource to build houses in haiti, the epidemic of e-waste, water shortages and hunger. the performance that i didn't get to see... which was a major hit... isolationism in north korea! the musical.


i. know.

oh, and... the keynote speaker rapped beef  by boogie down productions. yes. 

yes.

a bunch of my brown ledge crew was there. that's my summer camp world. in fact, the organizer of the even is a brown ledge girl and overall brilliant genius. and jake, who knows very little about camp was thrown right into it. he's a champ, but perhaps a teensy bit overwhelmed by our rapid paced conversations and squeals over memories and summers past.

we took a break from each other, but then reconvened for PINA. you haven't seen it yet? do. it. now. a wim wenders film made with the dancers for the late pina bausch. genius. and in 3-d.

and of course i ran into one of my sarah lawrence dancers in the theatre. ok, not just any sarah lawrence dancer... but the one who danced for me during her entire sarah lawrence tenure. more squealing. more rapid fire talking. this time with wayyyyy more gestures and general wiggling. we talked about dance and movement and training bodies for movement patterns and visceral reactions to movement and how fucking scary that can be.

i have amazing friends. so blessed. so in love with it all.


be kind. i love you. piccys are still coming from ffffound.

peace...

big red and i have been giggling since i arrived. we paused though, for a moment. for this...

this is the photo that my mom used to make a card to send to grandpa jim's neighbors. they were an amazing group of people that gave jimmy, lois and big red so much support, especially towards the end. they brought food over when lois couldn't cook anymore, picked all the weeds and made sure the oranges were harvested. inside the card my mom wrote this...

Jim Dodson

April 20, 1918 - February 20, 2012

Husband

Father

Grandfather

Great Grandfather

Good Neighbor

Bon Vivant

Born, lived and died in

The City of Angels

Peace

she's a class act, that big red. and always so spot on. but of course, she'd never resist the opportunity to snap this photo...

he lived in the valley. sagging is the look there...

big red passed on a couple other choice photos... more to come. i love you.

a high of 82˚...

you've heard me say it before... so it shouldn't come as a surprise... I LOVE LA. ya heard. it deserves all caps. what?! I've been here for a few days for work. ya heard that too. for work?! who am i? have i told you this yet? forgive. all this la sunshine is getting to my brain maybe. but, i've made some pretty big and insane changes as it relates to work. I've taken a full time job, same company, new role. and i'm in la for a few days doing some training with the guru of my job. he's fantastic. flippin' fantastic!

at any rate... i've been staying in boys town. santa monica boulevard between la cienega and san vicente. ahhhhhh. now, it's not my la. my la is a little less west side, a little more grit (other side of the hill), but in many ways, la is la. no matter where. and it is beautiful this time of year.

every time i come here, the sunshine pulls at my heartstrings... if i lived here, think how close i'd be to big red! oh my! don't tempt me. for now, i'll still be in love with san francisco... maybe when my company's downtown la location opens, i'll try and woo myself into that seat... hmmmm. 

until then, get some sun, ok?

i'll be hanging with big red and tony guest tonight. heaven.