l is for the way...

it's labor day. there's a rule about white pants related to this day, but as it turns out i'm not super into the rules. you know? today, labor day meant that i only had to work a half day. mini days sure are great. although, when i woke up, my out of town guest was still here, and when i got home he was en route back to long beach... so here's the deal team: i'm in a long distance relationship.

yes.

on the same weekend that i had a brown ledge reunion (which is just plain old good ju-ju), i met this guy. he's in my life now. and here's the deal. we had to have a come-to-jesus talk about this blog. was i going to be the kind of blogger that never mentioned her significant other? hell no. so, maybe the kind that had some sort of code-name for him? eh, maybe. nah, y'all, his name is jordan. he's remarkable. and he lives in long beach. minor detail.

jake darling invited me to the park that weekend to sit around. i went thinking it would be just us. so i did not put on my cutest outfit. i had not brushed my hair in a day or three. i was a teensy bit hanged-over and i still had only half a voice. when i walked up and saw a pile of people, jake made fun of me for sounding like a river-rat. the first words of actual substance out of my mouth were fuck you. oh, hi. jordan is it? nice to meet you. pardon my everything.

turns out jordan didn't so much care. i am convinced he's quite delusional. he not only found me attractive, but actually mentioned to our mutual friends that he thought i was very cool. and that it was very cool to meet me. (he says cool a lot. i think it's cool).

i was fairly convinced that i'd never see him again, and wasn't super excited about that. but, darling jarrett got on the old facebook and told us to get it together already and be friends. being the free-thinking, independent-spirited adult i am, i followed his instructions diligently and friend requested this bearded new yorker.

long to short. facebook messages turned into emails, emails turned into phone calls. and phone calls have turned into a handful or so of dollars worth of round trip airplane tickets, a killer mixtape, a wedding in healdsburg (not ours), countless endless conversations (some easier than others), a lot of laughing until our bellies hurt, a few new friends, some tears, a meeting with tony guest and big red and a whole lot of love. that's right. l.o.v.e.

the parallels in our lives are uncanny. we've gotten to a point that when our stories don't have some kind of bizarre parallel with some far-off memory from the corner of our brains, we think that's the weird part.

so, we're giving it a go. send us your good energy would you? i love you. oh! and. i'm 30 now.

feel all the things...

i'm a visceral thinker. if you've read this blog before, that'll sound familiar. but, every now and then i have to remind myself. remind myself that i feel things... a lot of things, and quite often. i have been known to take pause (literally) and delight in the fact that i'm having a new feeling... that it's a shade lighter than the feeling i had yesterday.

so when i get one of those immediate visceral reactions to people, events and pieces of writing, i relish in it. it's satisfying even if my reaction is not positive. i have to laugh sometimes at myself when i am so disgusted or revolted by an idea because i can feel my body change... tighten, twist, convulse. oh my, it runs deep.

but, then there's the stuff that makes me proud to be a human. proud to exist within a community that supports such profound and glorious thoughts. i've been reading the equals record. it's so interesting. so. interesting. what i love, is that i don't follow it all as whole-heartedly as i do other sites/stories. in fact, some perspectives shared on the equals record i do not enjoy... but, i enjoy that i don't enjoy it all. i think that's the sign of something brilliant. something balanced. and true to its name, equal.

if you've never read the writing on the equals record, may i suggest starting here (especially delightful, as i recently shared this with him), here aaaaaaand here. anyone who can elicit feedback the way this site has, is remarkable. i hope you enjoy it...

images from her. which, deserves a much more grandiose introduction... but i've been composing that one for ages in hopes of doing it justice... i'll get there, promise.

the northern line...

i fell in love on the train once. it was in london. on the northern line. i never spoke to him, but we stared at each other for a long while. from angel station to waterloo. then i just got up and left. but, i swear, i loved him for about 18 minutes.

there's something so romantic about a train ride... at least in london there was. it was the first time i used public transportation on a regular basis (la baby, remember). everyday i got on the underground and rode from bounds green to king's cross for classes. and at the weekends i would ride down to the south bank... gabriel's wharf, the book market, the tate modern and all of the shops and alleyways that became my 'hood.

perhaps since i've lived in new york and now san francisco, the train riding event has become less eventful and more practical. though... there is still some magic.

ever since i started working on the peninsula, i've been getting in my car and driving. yes, that big ol' hoopty girl of a car and i ride down the 101 everyday. and really, there's no reason i shouldn't be on the train. caltrain, that is... caltrain is its own beast, but one i'd be happy to conquer... if i'd just get moving on it already. jeez. i've just become so comfortable in my car. gross. and embarrassing. spending all that gas money is not sexy. though, i do love that guaranteed alone time. i listen to npr and occasionally try to stay up to date on popular culture (equally as gross and embarrassing).

the thing is... by the time i've rounded the corner from duboce/13th st to s. van ness i'm already shouting shitfuckdamn at some brilliant act of dumbassery. i hate that part.

and muni... ah muni. muni would take me to the train. i hadn't been on muni for a while... but a few weeks ago, i hopped on an m train to get downtown. it was so early. the old man across from me smiled his toothless grin at me and the little asian woman next to me was definitely listening to beyonce. get it gurl.

when a man leaving the train dropped his beanie, half the train leapt up after him... heaven forbid he lose that acrylic blend, machine made piece of textile genius. but after the man and his beanie were reunited, everyone sort of looked around and nodded. very pleased, indeed. go team.

so... i gotta get my butt on the train. walk to muni, muni to caltrain, caltrain to the peninsula, peninsula is work. if i had no other option, though... i'd be a trooper. dang car.

think i can make some pals on the train?

i spy with my little... nose...

you ever get a whiff of something and it sends you somewhere else completely? often, i smell rome in the air. but, perhaps that's just the combination of exhaust and cigarettes on a warm day. today i got a really good one, though. while i was searching for a flip flop in the bowels of my closet. on hands and knees, i smelled heart's bend.

heart's bend was a truly magical place. the first summer camp i went to, '91 and '92. six weeks each glorious summer. no parents. no rules, really. tucked into the back roads of newfane, vermont... a stone's throw from my grammy lou's house over on hill road... you know, just before you reach the old round school house. people in vermont talk that way for real, y'all... old trees as mile markers and old so and so's place as play boundaries. magic.

i'm not sure what, exactly, gave me that swirl of heart's bend, but it triggered so much imagery. my blonde bowl cut (modeled after chyna phillips. you know, from wilson phillips. duh), crabapple trees, a sweat lodge, the well we sourced all of our water from (hence the one shower per week rule... awesome at ages 8 and 9), the tiny pond we took baths in with dr. bronner's castille soap (for those weeks when one shower simply wouldn't do) and our outdoor amphitheatre in the woods. man, shit was amazing there.

it was the first place that i was introduced to music beyond the records of my parents... we would lay in the fields near the leantos for hours... wishing on stars and counting firelies, listening to the soupdragons, the red hot chili peppers, the beastie boys and weird al yankovic... i know.

a few years ago, i reconnected with the camp director. she sold the land not long after my final summer there. we reminisced about the magic. it was a place for everyone. truly. we had representatives from almost every continent. people spoke to each other in two different languages at a time. who knows if we ever actually understood each other, per se... but we communicated. you know?

we ate family style - eating what we grew in our garden. we made epic horror films with the college student counselors. we had camp color wars and peace talks. talent shows. overnight camping trips. joni mitchell sing-a-longs. we fed our farm animals and milked cows. composted. we went cliff jumping at the swim hole called indian love call. endless memories.

but, what i am forever grateful for... for the gift my dad and his family tradition of summer camping gave me... storytelling. every night, every day... we told stories. sometimes one person at a time, other times in groups... contributing as a community. magic. magic. magic. instilling a quality of imagination-promotion that was exactly what i needed as an 8 and 9 year old.

if you have time, read this from vermont woman newspaper. the article, about our camp director, nina meyerhof, speaks to the nature of what heart's bend was. pretty beautiful.

newfane road sign from here. that group photo is from heart's bend... but before my time. i found it here.

tv dialogue...

oooooooohhhhh, i'm with big red right now. here's the best part about my new job... they have sent me to la for a new training, but asked me to stay at home to save money. i mean if i have to, i'll stay with big red... what what?! it's almost like being on vacation!

so, here's what's happening right now... and you need to know:

big red is in our (my old, now her office/yoga/sewing) room ironing. only, if you're big red, you say urnin'... cause that's how the bruinettes say it. long beach, i love you.

every now and then she pauses from the urnin' to file a nail. but, only one-ish at a time... reasonable.

here are the commercials that we watched and she loves so much she buckled over laughing:

one of the happy cows come from california commercials. hysterical.

a target commercial where brightly colored acrobats come out of a hot air balloon... she acted it out!

oh, and then the one where steven spielberg tells us that if we are not directly related to a military service person, someone we know and love is. her response? mmmhhhhmmmmm, i know dat's right....

every now and then she hiccups.

and then files another nail.

y'all she is my hero. if i am half of who she is when i'm 60, i'll be plenty pleased with my life.

oh, and the girl's got on gold hoop earrings (also pronounced urns, shit gets confusing around here).

ok, parting words... did i tell you we (the bruinettes) be havin' our banquet at the mormon church??? pardonnez, moi?! all normal conversations whilst watching ncis... love her. love you.


bye.

best...

yesterday is one for the record books. such a brilliant day. jake and i had a bunch of together time... which can generally make me nervous, but we're pretty good at being friends. probably, i don't have to worry about too much together time.

we met for coffee at philz (duh) and then hit the road for the world savvy challenge. world savvy is an amazing organization promoting students k-12 to become active, educated, participatory and responsible global citizens. read about them, for real.

so jake and i were volunteer judges for the world savvy challenge. we watched performances, looked at exhibits and observed round table discussions about the need for change as it relates to sustainable communities. what what?! ya, junior high and high school students talking about using bamboo as a resource to build houses in haiti, the epidemic of e-waste, water shortages and hunger. the performance that i didn't get to see... which was a major hit... isolationism in north korea! the musical.


i. know.

oh, and... the keynote speaker rapped beef  by boogie down productions. yes. 

yes.

a bunch of my brown ledge crew was there. that's my summer camp world. in fact, the organizer of the even is a brown ledge girl and overall brilliant genius. and jake, who knows very little about camp was thrown right into it. he's a champ, but perhaps a teensy bit overwhelmed by our rapid paced conversations and squeals over memories and summers past.

we took a break from each other, but then reconvened for PINA. you haven't seen it yet? do. it. now. a wim wenders film made with the dancers for the late pina bausch. genius. and in 3-d.

and of course i ran into one of my sarah lawrence dancers in the theatre. ok, not just any sarah lawrence dancer... but the one who danced for me during her entire sarah lawrence tenure. more squealing. more rapid fire talking. this time with wayyyyy more gestures and general wiggling. we talked about dance and movement and training bodies for movement patterns and visceral reactions to movement and how fucking scary that can be.

i have amazing friends. so blessed. so in love with it all.


be kind. i love you. piccys are still coming from ffffound.

a high of 82˚...

you've heard me say it before... so it shouldn't come as a surprise... I LOVE LA. ya heard. it deserves all caps. what?! I've been here for a few days for work. ya heard that too. for work?! who am i? have i told you this yet? forgive. all this la sunshine is getting to my brain maybe. but, i've made some pretty big and insane changes as it relates to work. I've taken a full time job, same company, new role. and i'm in la for a few days doing some training with the guru of my job. he's fantastic. flippin' fantastic!

at any rate... i've been staying in boys town. santa monica boulevard between la cienega and san vicente. ahhhhhh. now, it's not my la. my la is a little less west side, a little more grit (other side of the hill), but in many ways, la is la. no matter where. and it is beautiful this time of year.

every time i come here, the sunshine pulls at my heartstrings... if i lived here, think how close i'd be to big red! oh my! don't tempt me. for now, i'll still be in love with san francisco... maybe when my company's downtown la location opens, i'll try and woo myself into that seat... hmmmm. 

until then, get some sun, ok?

i'll be hanging with big red and tony guest tonight. heaven.

here's how i'm workin' it today...

i'm in love with my yoga teacher. she is so retarded amazing. and knows exactly what i need... i was in tears in the first 15 minutes of class. all good things, ya know? here's what's happening today... make yours a good one too, oui?

i'm also hella inspired to find new music today... my yoga teacher played some amazing tunes today. so, here's what's happening in my class today...

1. raconte-moi une histoire - m83

2. how can you swallow so much sleep - bombay bicycle club

3. les champs-élysées - joe dassin

4. love endeavor - alice smith

5. radio - lana del rey

6. young blood - lynx

7. somebody that i used to know - walk off the earth

8. santa fe - beirut

9. sunshine - devotchka

10. stolen - dashboard confessional

11. no rest - dry the river

12 . i slept with bonhomme at the cbc - broken social scene

13. intro - the xx

14. when the night comes - dan auerbach

send me new tunes, please. and thank you. spread hope. xo

dance party...

if you know me, you know i'm prone to spontaneous dance parties. everywhere. anywhere. and not in that stupid shit girls say (uh, do you know about this? probably. it's perfect... except for when i'm secretly embarrassed because i say that shit all the time. even the really annoying ones) kind of way... in an honest-to-goddess-i've-got-to-dance-right-now-or-i-will-explode kind of way. cool my fire yearnin' honey, come set me free. this becomes especially precarious when i'm at work or a very hoighty toighty event... as it is not always a generally socially acceptable form of expression. wait, what? did i just say that? rewind. erase.

anywhoodle. on new year's eve i was at a party in the western addition with some folks i didn't know very well. i got myself all involved with this group because of swoony mcgee (who i'm not soooo swoony about at the mo'). we had agreed to spend the evening together and house-party hop. we only hopped once.

don't you know now

is the perfect time.

we can make it right 

hit the city lights.

just to make it right

in the night.

hit the lovin' spot

i'll give you all that i've got.

have you ever been to a party where you have to take your shoes off when you walk through the front door? ya. it's a scene from some episode of sex and the city, but it happened for real... on new year's eve. aren't we supposed to wear cute shoes to accent our outfits just so? alright y'all, i was wearing boots. and you know, if i'm wearing boots, i am not wearing matching socks. yup. that's me. nerd with the mis-matched socks on new year's eve, party of one. i'll take you there, i'll shake you there.

here are some bits of convos i overheard that night...

omg, you're shoes are soooooo cute. you totally got them at forever 21, riiiiiiight?! 

(oh, did i fail to mention that we all had to take our shoes off, but the hosts and hostess had their shoes on the entire night?!)

we should totally start a dance party right now.

please tell me we did not just run out of prosecco!

we should totally start like a full on dance party right now.

that girl's socks don't match. 

dance party!!!!!

that girl with the weird socks has a whole bottle of prosecco.

ugh.

pretty young things, repeat after me...

said girls were near me several times when they casually shrieked about having a dance party. hellooooooo dance party. 

*very important disclaimer... i went to art school thrice. dance school to be specific. i have a bfa and an mfa in dance and choreography. i say this not because i am tooting my horn about my skillz, but because, hi... i have spent close to all of the years of my life... dancing. spark my nature, sugar fly with me. so, mention dance party, and you can bet your buns, i'm there. dancing. and, yes... it helps that i've studied many forms of dance and have a pretty keen sense of my kinesthetic awareness and can hold a beat and drop it like it's hot and other various shit... i'm not an asshole, ya dig? i'm just trynna get my groove on... same as you.* 

o.m.g. not the case. when those girls said dance party, i said yaaaaaaaa! (waving my bottle of prosecco over my head). and when i started groovin' they turned their backs to me and shuffled off to the kitchen... left me dancing to p.y.t. all by myself. fine. have it your way then. where did you come from lady, and ooh won't you take me there.

i kept on dancing.

(i found some pretty rad texts the next morning in my outbox to jt...) let me take you to the max.

in the end, it was not the worst night... even though it doesn't sound like it from this post. i was out. there were sparklers. a couple of good smooches. and i made some awesome voice recordings of swoony mcgee (we should find a new name for him) and his pal from alaska.

hey 2012. i've been waiting all year for you. welcome.

twinkle from here and nails from here. the words are michael jackson's. obvi. pyt.

it's all research...

hindsight is 20/20 right? the first time i heard that phrase i didn't understand it. and to be honest, i still don't. now, for different reasons... but it seems that there is no way for reflection to be that cut and dry.

these days it seems to be about gut reactions. when i'm telling my friends or big red about an event or a person and i mention my gut reaction, they say layla, always trust your instinct. it just isn't that clear, though. when my instinct says no. stop. back away. and i don't listen... so this is the city, so this is progress. how can something so pretty become such a mess? in the end, i always wish i had. when my instinct says yes. go. fly. don't look back. i listen. but, if i fall... i wish i hadn't. so, when do we know when to trust ourselves? and will hindsight really provide a clear answer?

i'm not swooning as hard today. and my hindsight is about 20/3000. at best. i have no idea where i stand at the moment... and i'm ok with it. because when my gut and my heart said yes. go. fly. don't look back.  i listened. i did as it told me. i flew fast and hard. and for a short time, it was glorious... it still might be, or i may not get the outcome i had anticipated. but i'm not desperate for an outcome. i am, for certain, interested in the information i am gathering along the way. you know that i'm good for it. you know i can pay.

my favorite (i use that term loosely, because they were all my faves) professor in grad school was a woman who taught, mainly, anatomy for movers. she. is. brilliant. and so candid. we were chatting once after a particularly emotional moment in my life (quelle surprise...) about her partner. she and her long-term boyfriend have a really functionally beautiful relationship, and when she described it she mentioned she had to do a lot of research before finding him. well put, non?

there is no more than this steel and stone, more than this flesh and bone. there is a little piece of land in me, no other man can own.

so, it's all research. 

am i making mistakes along the way? shit ya. and hopefully, they will be part of the fuel that leads to the next bit of research. and it could turn into a long-term project, you know?

i have nothing to say except, what is this life with no love along the way?

pics from here and here. these beauties of lyrics by devotchka. along the way from a mad and faithful telling. know this band please. and if you do know them, literally, introduce me, yes? thank you.

so cal, brah...

you know i'm an l.a. lover... right? the city of angels? how can you not? i will do my best to not get all historical on yo' asses and just tell you to trust me. angel city is one of the truly greatest places on earth... and not too far from my little home town, long beach.

sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner

sometimes i feel like my only friend

is the city i live in,

the city of angels.

i hope to tell you way more about it in the next few weeks or months or whatever... till then, some piccys!

i drive on her streets

'cause she's my companion.

i walk through her hills

'cause she knows who i am.

9¢ coffee from phillippe's... it's a staple for us.

xmas... big red got real tie tie, i got tipsy and photo'd myself. whoops.

take me to the place i love

take me all the way.

long beach... not as 'hood as you though, huh?

(s)he could be xavier's (skinnier) cousin...!

big red and i watched born yesterday... correction, big red bought born yesterday on dvd for me, for christmas. seriously, if you have not seen this film... you. must. right. now. close your computer, and go get it. judy holliday?!?! are you kidding me? she's a contender for the most brilliant comedienne i've ever seen in my world. (and you know lucille ball and i are soul mates right? red hair). holliday won an oscar for this film! ya' heard me. 

at least i have her love, the city she loves me.

all these piccys are mine, y'all! but these lyrics? duh. red hot chili peppers. i been swooning over under the bridge since i first heard it at heart's bend in newfane, vermont. summer of 1992. oh jonah keith... my camp boyfriend... we swooned over this together, a lot... ahhhh,

you have some 'splaining to do...

i'm not afraid to admit when i'm wrong. you are all over my rainbow, taking the scene, in my crazy dream.

remember this post? well... i've gotten some interesting responses. mostly from girlfriends who think i'm a complete whack job for not giving the online dating thing a try. lay, are you crazy? why would you not take the opportunity to pre-screen people... after your dating history this past year?! and if you've ever attempted to date in san francisco... well shit. nothing's fast or slow, it's in-between. it's close to impossible. but those are the details that you can read in a love in the time of san francisco-type blog.

soooooo... here's what i did. i took almost all of the information from the afore mentioned post and put it up on an online dating site. just to see what would happen. (btdubs... a different site than the one i tried from the dark period). and i'll be damned... i actually got responses. so after weeding through the ones of dudes with no pictures and the ones with very bold sexual questions... i'd say i got three or four promising notes. from real humans. god, if i'd known it would be that simple... all melodies are coming ashore. flushing over me.

i'm going to save all my juicy details for a while, but maybe we'll have more to talk about... hmmm? (but, i will tell you that i'm already swooning a bit).

maybe next time around i won't be so judgy...

don't get out, the morning wants to keep us safe in here. resting on your shoulder, we won't go until there's no more people out there.


words are oh land. rainbow from the album oh land. i love these ladies... they remind me how beautiful we all are! images from here. happy monday, yes?