weekend playlist...

i think i've always known that we're a pretty unconventional family. this year's holiday plan is no exception.

i'm en route to the adirondacks to hang with jordan and his clan whilst my folks are spend the next few days in my apartment in san francisco. i left them some guest family staples as gifts... a couple packets of post-it notes, a handful of pencils and a box of california clementines. i also threw in a heavy duty lint roller and a jar of ear-plugs... in case that darling cat sends my dad into orbit.

tonyguest asked for a mix-tape for christmas. he said, doodle, i want some good rock and roll. you know what i like right? maybe a couple versions of baba o'riley and the rest of the stuff i like. you know what i like.

here it is...



i got to see them both for 15 minutes. they flew in from long beach on the aircraft that took me straight back to long beach to meet up with jordan... same flight crew and all! we had a pretty good giggle about our incredible luck.

happy and merry.

with love & gratitude...

it was last year at this time, when things were sour... when i was desperately searching for some semblance of control, peace, understanding and grasping for the seedlings of forgiveness.

it's been quite a year. taking ownership and responsibility for all the things that happen in my life. acknowledging the pieces of the puzzle that i have control over and meditating on the pieces that i don't... in order to choose my responses and reactions.

a new job. some dumb ass human interactions. the loss of my dearest grandpa jim. a hawaiian and a mexican vacation. countless conversations with big red, tonyguest and my favorite pals. anger. frustration. gratitude. jordan.

there have been some relapses, some triumphs and a shit-ton of growth. everyday.

full.

at this time last year, my neighbors put up a community wish list to santa. they covered their garage door with paper, set out sharpies and let the community have at it. it's up again.

it's pretty remarkable, don't you think? this is what i asked for last year...

and here's what's up this year...

if you can't read my scrawly handwriting...

dear santa,

thanks for bringing me exactly what i asked for last year... take this year off! you deserve a break!

with love & gratitude,

lg

here's to another year of growth, faith and hope!

mother/father...

today is big red and tony's wedding anniversary! nice job you two. i woke up nice and early to watch the sunrise just for the occasion...

us...

oh my posts are lacking. i said it before and i'm not afraid to say it again... it is not for lack of inspiration. in fact, it is quite the contrary. team, let me tell you. my life is full of inspiration these days. the past 18 days in particular... but even before then. there is clarity up in here. i am grateful.

oh, the things i need to tell you. all will come. in time. for now, how 'bout this.... i got this in an email...

accompanied by the message: this is what i think you and i will look like to other people.


but here's what's even better. when i clicked on the image attachment to save it to my little computer, it showed up with the title he gave it when he saved it... you following? he saved it as us. melt.


and so, while my words in print are few, there is an abundance everywhere else. big red was in town for the weekend, saw moonrise kingdom (again), went to the gaultier exhibit and generally delighted each other. work is good. that cat is good too. here are just a few photos (that's code for: i still can't find the right words, so i'll distract you with shiny pictures instead...)...

the picture was found via this tumblr. 

punctuation...

the first time big red ever sent me a text message it said:

i love you comma too

she couldn't figure out how to get the punctuation marks to show up and wouldn't dream of sending a text without proper punctuation. i'd say not!

we've come a long way though, big red and i. in fact, recently we've had entire conversations via text. well, perhaps conversation is not entirely accurate... usually they look something like this:

layla: hey gurl hey!

big red: hey gurl. i'm just sitting here on the beach talking to the universe.

layla: of course you are. i love you the most. let's be friends till the end of time, ok?

big red: ok!

big red: ps. did i tell you that raquel [welch]'s Total Beauty and Fitness is on YouTube?! The whole hour and 26 minutes! I'm in heaven!

layla: ya gurl!

tonight we had a text "convo" regarding how unhappy we were about the ncis season finale. what the wha? totally not satisfying. and jamie lee curtis as gibbs' new love interest? not. too. thrilled. i know, you probably don't care about that as much as we do... and we do. 

there are too many word and things in my head today. i can't get them to slow down enough to make sense of. so have a great weekend and use that punctuation like you mean it! would you please send me your favorite blogs and tumblrs?! i plan on doing nothing but sit in my panties and read words and look at pictures all day sunday! thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter. xoxoxo. pic at pinterest.

try new foods...

that's something we say in our family. a lot. try new foods. when i was a kid it was a literal statement. usually, i only wanted to eat bread, pizza, pizza bread, noodles, pancakes or generally anything that could be traced back to a grain... mmmmm. so, whenever something foreign came across my plate (read: fruits, vegetables, vegetables and vegetables) my dear old dad would say bean bean, tryyyyyyy new foods. in that sing-songy, look at me from the corner of his eye, mischievous smile on face kind of way that only my dad can master. inevitably, i would. generally it was ok, except for that one time with the cooked carrots. but, i try not to think about that too much. bad.

later in life, try new foods became metaphorical. for new experiences, adventures and challenges. it was our guest-family way of encouraging one another under the radar. it's our tagline now. sometimes tony guest will leave me a voicemail that says only, hi doodle, try new foods.


all of this has become so much more relevant lately. every day i have to try new foods. and every day i think about this little blog that i am continually ignoring. i hate ignoring this here bloggy-poo. if you've read more than one post, you've maybe noticed a few things. 1) big red is a major player in my life. (and it should be said... tony guest is infinitely as important... but in a more subtle manner). 2) this family of mine holds hell of importance all 'round. 3) i am this way because of these crazy ass people... and i am super into discovering the little details that i notice in my life that i can trace right back to big red or that tony man.

so... here we go again friends. change does a body (and a blog?) good. mother/father's daughter. we can find about 18 trillion blogs about being a new parent, being the best mommy or coolest daddy... but here i am doing what i know how to do, but also what i don't. writing about what i know how to write, but also what i don't...  most days i'm figuring out new ways to make it all make sense. being a daughter. knowing only what has happened so far... in close to thirty years. anticipating the next thirty.

so try a new food, won't you? mother/father's daughter... that's me. and here's who made me:

i know, right!? this is the late 70's in brookline, vermont. when my mom met my dad's mom for the first time... you can't really tell, but big red's wearing hot pants! what what. trust.

i love you.

tv dialogue...

oooooooohhhhh, i'm with big red right now. here's the best part about my new job... they have sent me to la for a new training, but asked me to stay at home to save money. i mean if i have to, i'll stay with big red... what what?! it's almost like being on vacation!

so, here's what's happening right now... and you need to know:

big red is in our (my old, now her office/yoga/sewing) room ironing. only, if you're big red, you say urnin'... cause that's how the bruinettes say it. long beach, i love you.

every now and then she pauses from the urnin' to file a nail. but, only one-ish at a time... reasonable.

here are the commercials that we watched and she loves so much she buckled over laughing:

one of the happy cows come from california commercials. hysterical.

a target commercial where brightly colored acrobats come out of a hot air balloon... she acted it out!

oh, and then the one where steven spielberg tells us that if we are not directly related to a military service person, someone we know and love is. her response? mmmhhhhmmmmm, i know dat's right....

every now and then she hiccups.

and then files another nail.

y'all she is my hero. if i am half of who she is when i'm 60, i'll be plenty pleased with my life.

oh, and the girl's got on gold hoop earrings (also pronounced urns, shit gets confusing around here).

ok, parting words... did i tell you we (the bruinettes) be havin' our banquet at the mormon church??? pardonnez, moi?! all normal conversations whilst watching ncis... love her. love you.


bye.

peace...

big red and i have been giggling since i arrived. we paused though, for a moment. for this...

this is the photo that my mom used to make a card to send to grandpa jim's neighbors. they were an amazing group of people that gave jimmy, lois and big red so much support, especially towards the end. they brought food over when lois couldn't cook anymore, picked all the weeds and made sure the oranges were harvested. inside the card my mom wrote this...

Jim Dodson

April 20, 1918 - February 20, 2012

Husband

Father

Grandfather

Great Grandfather

Good Neighbor

Bon Vivant

Born, lived and died in

The City of Angels

Peace

she's a class act, that big red. and always so spot on. but of course, she'd never resist the opportunity to snap this photo...

he lived in the valley. sagging is the look there...

big red passed on a couple other choice photos... more to come. i love you.

a high of 82˚...

you've heard me say it before... so it shouldn't come as a surprise... I LOVE LA. ya heard. it deserves all caps. what?! I've been here for a few days for work. ya heard that too. for work?! who am i? have i told you this yet? forgive. all this la sunshine is getting to my brain maybe. but, i've made some pretty big and insane changes as it relates to work. I've taken a full time job, same company, new role. and i'm in la for a few days doing some training with the guru of my job. he's fantastic. flippin' fantastic!

at any rate... i've been staying in boys town. santa monica boulevard between la cienega and san vicente. ahhhhhh. now, it's not my la. my la is a little less west side, a little more grit (other side of the hill), but in many ways, la is la. no matter where. and it is beautiful this time of year.

every time i come here, the sunshine pulls at my heartstrings... if i lived here, think how close i'd be to big red! oh my! don't tempt me. for now, i'll still be in love with san francisco... maybe when my company's downtown la location opens, i'll try and woo myself into that seat... hmmmm. 

until then, get some sun, ok?

i'll be hanging with big red and tony guest tonight. heaven.

firsts...

every year, when i was growing up, the first day of school was a big event. what to wear? ride the bike or have mom drive me? would people remember me? (i went through elementary, junior and high school with essentially the same group of people... i may have had a mild case of early onset anxiety, non?). my favorite part, though was standing in the garden in front of my house for the first day of school photo.

we have every single one. from preschool (yes, there were several years there when i really did where a leotard, tights and velcro sneakers every day), to public school, through the uniform years and up through senior year... it's pretty silly. man, all those whacky hairdo's!!!! i definitely had a flock of seagulls-inspired coif for a bit.

the first day of freshman year of high school, i remember, was significantly horrendous. I had just come back from camp, in vermont, as i did every summer. i had had zero contact with anyone from long beach, freshly acne'd skin, a birkenstock tan and truly beyond no fashion sense. to make matters worse, i was coming from a junior high where we wore uniforms. so for three years prior, i was in heaven. the only major decision i had to make was what color tights i was going to wear with my pleated skirt and doc. marten combat boots.... yep, helloooooooo early nineties!

it went something like this: blue o.p. courduroy shorts, white t-shirt with hang loose printed on it, white scrunchy socks and some variation of big skater/surfer sneakers. i was super comfy... long beach is sometimes in the high 90's or low hundies in mid-september, so i'd like to think i was protecting myself from embarrassing pit stains. nah. oh. my. gawd. y'all... my high school was a flippin' fashion show. not as severe as cher and dion in clueless, picture more surf-chic, but jeeze. i. was. wrong. i walked around the whole day trying to hide my feet. the girls were wearing jack purcell's, not simple's. duh. (ever tried to hide your feet during passing period in a school of 4,500 students? not possible, fyi).

when i finally got some fashion sense together, my mom made me close to 10 adorable a-line shift dresses in amazing fabrics. blue gingham, orange and fuschia plaid, turquiose hawaiian print... all of them worn with my white platform jack purcell's. gimme a break, i was still learning. a photo of me in the blue gingham dress sits next to the actual first day of freshman year photo... a do-over of sorts. big red's so indulgent.

anywhoodle, yesterday was my first day at a new job! what what?! same company, new role... a boss lady for a group of people! i know, crazy-town. good news is i didn't break anything, or anyone. my new boss is so great. a year younger than i am with so much energy to make great things happen for our team (do i sound like a corporate monkey yet??? whatevs, i'm geting benefits now!!!! and i like the job, boom!)

i took a piccy for big red and texted it to her, as i did when i entered college, had my first day at my first real job, when i went to grad school, etc... you get the point. we have a pile of firsts now...

here are some things that happened on my first day...

my super civilized breakfast... y'all this is serious! i did not have to wake up at 4am!!!!! i had time to eat, play with xavier and drink copious amounts of coffee!

shake it till you samba... my new gel mani for good luck on your first day positive energy!

what up big red?! she sent me flowers... the card said you go girl! love, big red. see, this shit runs deep, ain't just some behavioral nothings i picked up on the street (well, maybe some of it...)


ok, sweetie peas, i've been missing you. hope the week is the best. keep changing, it's fun. let's all do some digestion pose today (lay on your back with your legs extended up the wall... sitting bones huggin' up on that wall... it'll get you regular). infinite x's and o's.

gratitude...

i have written and deleted the first sentence of this post a googooplex of times. so here are some words that are swirling around...

gratitude

love

gutted

overwhelmed

full

blessed

thankful

at peace

emotional

exhausted

remember this post? it's one of my personal favorites. the hardest to muster, but the writing came so easily... and that can be a rarity. so when it does, i savor it. would you read it if you have a moment? thanks.

grandpa jim died last evening. february 20th, 2012. two months (exactly) shy of his 94th birthday. 93 years old. jeez, he did such a great job living this life. the details of his passing are symbolic and so beautiful... but perhaps only meaningful and necessary to those of us that knew him. you know? but know this, and trust it... he went peacefully. having been with my mom all day, he went with a full and confident heart, knowing that we loved him... honestly and unconditionally. 

big red and i are taking this opportunity to be reflective and to remember how cyclical life is. grandpa jim was a complicated man, who isn't? so we're allowing ourselves to consider all the parts of him... did you know that when my mom was a child, she would frequently come out to breakfast in the morning to find him in a headstand?! a headstand! as she walked passed he'd say good morning louise... simple. he was a yogi. he learned yoga in india during the second world war. amazing. 

ummmmm. hello!? have you noticed how much i have been writing about yoga lately?! this morning... and yesterday's post was about big red and yoga! symbolic, non? and a few hours before he passed, big red was reading aloud to him... from a yoga book of his from the early 60's. it's all connected. we are all connected.

remember i told you that i cried in yoga this morning? it's because megan, my teacher, asked us to join hands. because, researchers who have been studying the heart have learned that when humans connect, their heartbeats begin to sync... to beat in time with one another's. so we held hands with the purpose of allowing our hearts to beat together... she knew exactly what i needed. 

i love you. thank you for being in my life.

namaste.

an ode to big red...

i've been struggling to find my words lately. blocked... but i've been saving this story for just the occasion. helps me remember all the feelings that i love, you know!? and i've got feelings. new ones. all. the. time.

when big red and i were in hawai'i a few weeks ago, we went to yoga everyday. everyday. it was so glorious. i found an iyengar studio through the inflight magazine on hawai'ian airlines! way to go inflight. anywhoodle, each morning we took the bus to the silent dance center. (seriously y'all... if you're ever in honolulu, go! we went to the mo'ili'ili location. gorgeous!) we took class from two different women, who both changed my life and taught me something new (not just asanas) each class.

in our first class, the instructor asked big red and i if we had any injuries and whether we had done iyengar before. standard. big red told her it was her second time. true dat.

now, listen here, i think it's pretty clear to any of you out there that i think my mother is magical. beyond magical. she could have been spun from the magic threads of a unicorn's mane for all i know. and those who know her, love her. (and those crazies that don't love her, must be frightened of her magic. because, shit is powerful. trust.)

yoga teacher of day one got it. instantly. the way she took time to care for big red was beautiful. and it wasn't that my mom was doing the asanas incorrectly, or in danger of hurting herself. it was just that she obviously wanted to give my mom as much information as possible. as though she deserved to know everything that could be given in an hour and a half.

for a moment... a brief moment. i was jealous. i wanted the attention. i wanted to learn how to make my asanas better. to be corrected, and cared for. but then i stopped. and listened. listened to what she was telling big red. yoga teacher got it, i'm telling you.

and then...

she called me... louise's daughter. open your right hip as you tuck your sitting bones to the floor... (or whatever she actually said, because who cares?!) she touched upon my exact feelings. louise's daughter!!!!! that's me. she made me. and i'm the only one she made. lucky. maybe i've got a bit of that magic in me... i'm aiming for it!

she called me louise's daughter for the rest of our stay. it thrilled me to no end every time she said it. (thanks for that, val).

hope you've got someone magical. i adore you. you are magic. piccys are from our trip! alooooooohaaaaaa.

mahalo for your patience...

this about to get crazy up in here. i got a million thoughts... so i'm gonna throw 'em out real fast, then i'll tell you abou the real stuff...

1. big red texted me thrice in the last day and a half to make sure i was ok. my last two blog posts were too debbie downer (my words, not hers) for her taste.
2. do you think if i were mormon i'd have a larger readership?
3. my long beach 'tude has been runnin' rampant lately... everything's riling me up, so move with caution, eh? (jt thinks it's pretty entertaining, though).
4. tonight i shouted at some salvadorians who were cat callin' at me... GENTLEMEN! IT IS NOT THE EVENING FOR THIS SHIT! huh? i was tired and bent over the trunk of my car... talking to the 76 station lady about why my tire is crap. it really was not the evening to be whistlin' and ay mami-ing and thumpin' yo boom boom music all up at me. thanks.
5. i definitely had chocolate cake for dinner...
         6. peggy gould (the amazing prof from slc) always suggested using bold, italics, various fonts,and perhaps size to get a reader's attention... is it working?!
7. do you suppose the chocolate cake has kicked in yet?

dollfaces, mahalo for your patience. but for your benefit and mine, i'm going to save my uplifting/non-debbie downer post about iyengar yoga in honolulu changing the lives of me and my favorite wheezie lou (another of big red's nom de plumes) for a day when i'm not having a complete and utter sugar crash! forgive? here are some piccys to tide you over...

alooooooooohaaaaaaaa!

seriously, mahalo for your patience. whoever let me eat chocolate cake for dinner is very silly. i adore you, though.

oh what a day...

do you ever wonder why we are the way that we are? i know. that's a fairly loaded question... but, i think about it a lot. what drives the impulses? the snap decisions? the nature by which i conduct myself on a daily basis? two words.

big. red.

aka, my mother. often, i have said that my behavior (towards people, situations, feelings, etc) is made up of pieces of information that run deep. deep in my bones. my marrow. my essence and my dna make-up. i am this way because big red and tony are who they are. and shit runs deep, let me tell you.

i once received the greatest compliment i could ever ask for. the director of my graduate program told me that i was the most empathetic dancer she had ever seen. that when i moved, i had the ability to take on not just the movement intentions of the person i was working with, but also the thoughts, character and emotive qualities. this blew my mind. and while she explained that this would serve me greatly in my dance life, that it probably existed in my emotional life and could become quite crippling if i wasn't careful. spot. on. jesus, she is a brilliant woman.

so, it comes as no surprise that when big red sent me an email last night i simultaneously laughed and cried. (she went to visit grandpa jim, her dad, at the old folks home yesterday in burbank. he's living in the memory unit. she refers to a woman called helen who is another inmate in the memory unit... she likes my mom).

we are so related...

Hi Bean,

Oh, what a day! 

Remember the neighborhood where the Nova broke down on the way to Cal Arts? I can now confirm that that is a Bermuda Triangle. I was lost twice there today. It is a place where the streets get lost on one corner of the map book and don't pick up on the corner of the next page. Why, you might ask was I there, in the funk hole of holes? Ah, Grandpa Jim's hearing aid has been broken since Wednesday last. It was that little, teeny tiny door that houses the battery. I took it over to Mabel at Hear X in Sunland, just a mere hop, skip, and a jump from the Funk Hole Triangle. 

Oh, and the teeth have gone missing. I need a new word to say to express "Christ Almighty." But, you get the picture: what's next?

No sound, no bite.

Helen had her hair did, but they didn't do her roots. They're white. She is very punk.

When I walked into the dining room at lunch time, Grandpa Jim was sitting in a chair and a woman in a wheel chair was sitting along side him traveling in the opposite direction. They had their hands on each other's shoulders and were looking into each other's eyes. It was quite lovely. I have no idea who she is. I love that he has some human connection and affection.

Oh, I went to the worst Target on the planet today in Burbank. B.O. Beyond Oakland. Baskets in the parking lot make it impossible to park or walk along the sidewalk; 35 open check out stations, each 10 deep with customers. I abandoned my cart in aisle 3. They didn't have my hair color, anyway.

How does one turn a day like this into a good day. "Are you having a good day or a bad day?" I don't know, but here's what I did: shower off the smell of urine and poop, let the hot water run over my eyes until the tears and water are one; dine on comfort food: cheese and wine. Tell the people you love that you really love them. Layla, I love you.

your mama

how'd you do? i laughed and cried all over again. remind me to tell you about helen sometime, the punk one... she's up there as one of the most fascinating women alive.

and yes, i've given my blog self [yet] another make-over. keep up, eh? thoughts? i love you. all these images are from ffffound.com. i'm obsessed. 

so cal, brah...

you know i'm an l.a. lover... right? the city of angels? how can you not? i will do my best to not get all historical on yo' asses and just tell you to trust me. angel city is one of the truly greatest places on earth... and not too far from my little home town, long beach.

sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner

sometimes i feel like my only friend

is the city i live in,

the city of angels.

i hope to tell you way more about it in the next few weeks or months or whatever... till then, some piccys!

i drive on her streets

'cause she's my companion.

i walk through her hills

'cause she knows who i am.

9¢ coffee from phillippe's... it's a staple for us.

xmas... big red got real tie tie, i got tipsy and photo'd myself. whoops.

take me to the place i love

take me all the way.

long beach... not as 'hood as you though, huh?

(s)he could be xavier's (skinnier) cousin...!

big red and i watched born yesterday... correction, big red bought born yesterday on dvd for me, for christmas. seriously, if you have not seen this film... you. must. right. now. close your computer, and go get it. judy holliday?!?! are you kidding me? she's a contender for the most brilliant comedienne i've ever seen in my world. (and you know lucille ball and i are soul mates right? red hair). holliday won an oscar for this film! ya' heard me. 

at least i have her love, the city she loves me.

all these piccys are mine, y'all! but these lyrics? duh. red hot chili peppers. i been swooning over under the bridge since i first heard it at heart's bend in newfane, vermont. summer of 1992. oh jonah keith... my camp boyfriend... we swooned over this together, a lot... ahhhh,

home...

only two places in the world actually feel like home to me. one is where i am right now... sitting in my parents' house in long beach. sunshine in the windows, creaky hardwood floors, palm tree in the front yard, fresh flowers on any horizontal surface with free space. the other is 71 brown ledge road, colchester, vermont. 05446. (more specifically, in the pointhouse). but, i realize, i haven't told you much about my summer home... sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now. cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town. it's not a summer home like most people have. it was my summer camp for 13 summers. my other home. but, i'll have to owe you many more posts to come about that place.

today. it's all about the lbc. with big red and tony. so much lovin' in the lbc, ya dig?

i'm home for a few days. it always surprises me though, how at home i feel, because i haven't lived in this house for about ten years. this little spanish style duplex with the royal blue trim. my room is no longer my room. but, you know what? it still sort of is. and the seasons they go round and round. there's a tiny corner piece from the jonathan taylor thomas poster that i hung over my bed on the ceiling. right up there with hundreds of those tiny glow in the dark star stickers. i know how most of the stains on the carpet got there. i can see, so clearly, where the big taxidermied moose head hung for most of childhood. and the painted ponies go up and down. remnants of my artwork are still on the walls. but mostly, it's my mom's room now. her other room, that is. where she set up her office, her vanity, a television (so she can watch ncis while my dad watches golf in their actual room). i don't mind sharing though.

today something new and different happened in my room. my dad came in to talk to me. but, not in our usual way...

words like when you're older must appease him. and promises of someday make his dreams.

bean, i was a little depressed the other day. you know, because things are going to be changing soon. (he pulled out a scrap of paper where he had written down some notes... about why he was feeling depressed. do you love it?). i know i can take care of myself, and i know i can take care of your mother. but, i don't think i can take care of you. and not in a financial way. but, i'm not really the broad shoulders anymore. i can't give you everything you need... we can't return, we can only look. behind from where we came.


what? oh my dad. there's more...

your mom said not to worry. that i had always given you all of the tools. the tools to be able to do anything you want. 


i hope i did. 

if you know my dad, you know that this is a pretty big-ass deal. though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true. but there'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty. we've worked on our relationship for a long time... and we're definitely still navigating it. but, shit. this just about shattered my heart into a million trillion pieces... in the best way, you know?

before the last revolving year is through.

i love you.

lyrics from joni mitchell's, the circle game. the mush pot of images... from my iphone, here, and our family collection... that last one is me and tony, circa 1985.