us...

oh my posts are lacking. i said it before and i'm not afraid to say it again... it is not for lack of inspiration. in fact, it is quite the contrary. team, let me tell you. my life is full of inspiration these days. the past 18 days in particular... but even before then. there is clarity up in here. i am grateful.

oh, the things i need to tell you. all will come. in time. for now, how 'bout this.... i got this in an email...

accompanied by the message: this is what i think you and i will look like to other people.


but here's what's even better. when i clicked on the image attachment to save it to my little computer, it showed up with the title he gave it when he saved it... you following? he saved it as us. melt.


and so, while my words in print are few, there is an abundance everywhere else. big red was in town for the weekend, saw moonrise kingdom (again), went to the gaultier exhibit and generally delighted each other. work is good. that cat is good too. here are just a few photos (that's code for: i still can't find the right words, so i'll distract you with shiny pictures instead...)...

the picture was found via this tumblr. 

aaaand, that's a wrap...

first there was this post, followed by this one. remember? well, let me fill you in on what's been happening...

-there was the first guy. the one who seemed great, at first. responsive, attentive, willing. and then. shut down mode got turned on. maybe we should slow down, he said. sure, i said... under the impression that he would set the new pace. wrong. complete hault, and then... where have you been? he asks. also, he smoked at least two blunts per day. blunts y'all. i thought i was the one from long beach.

-the unemployed one. it's seasonal, he said. well, season yourself right outta here please.

-the amazing one. he was funny, made great conversation, interested in art (and dance!!!!!), handsome, divorced, had a great job. brilliant. two insane dates later, i'm in a complicated situation. i'm in love with someone but we want to see multiple people, he says. avoiding a complete meltdown, i say no thanks.

but friday night was the worst date ever. i mean it. worst. date. ever. (i realize i'm going to throw out a lot of information and not a lot of context, but hey, i'm the boss around here (i'm feeling awfully feisty today)). here are some of my favorite things he said:

upon arriving: -you gonna get yourself a drink or just watch me drink mine? (he may have chuckled right after he said that, but as i turned toward the bar and considered leaving already, i was having some major internal dialogue, so i could be mistaken)

-i wish you'd brought me to a bar i'd never been to before.

-your dad fought in the vietnam war?! your parents must be soooo old.

-why the hell would i ever want to live in the city? only self indulgent fools who are still trying to live like they're in their 20's and party all the time live in san francisco. (i live in san francisco... he lives in alameda. and he's 30)

on skydiving: it was ok. not the most exciting thing i've ever done. what is the most exciting thing you've ever done? you ever gone 100 miles per hour on a [some dumb ass motorcycle]? hmmm. nope.

-i'm a caterpillar mechanic. wow, i have no idea what that means, but it sounds interesting. i dig up the earth. oh, mmm hmmmm. how'd you get into that? well i didn't want to work with wood.

-what do you do? well, i'm a dancer and choreographer. and i teach various movement modalities based on somatic systems to help people discover pain free ranges of motion. that's weird.

let's not even get started on the conversation we tried to have about monsanto. i left 45 minutes after i arrived.

ok, cupid. is. done. i'd rather sit at the bar at starbelly, by myself, read the paper and eat a burger.

i found it here. you buy one for me, and i'll buy one for you, ok? and the piccy here. chin up, cheer up.

boo boo...

you ever have one of those days when everything feels gross? i've had a couple of super good cries today. good. ones. long and hard. tony guest left today, back to long beach to be with big red. and after he walked out the door, i stripped myself of my towel (i had just gotten out of the shower), and sat down to write a real gross email. to a guy who is amazing in every regard. every. single. regard. oh, except for the fact that he is in a quasi-committed, but open, relationship with someone that he has very strong (love?) feelings for. no thanks. i wrote really nice things. not exactly what i was really thinking... i won't even write those things here... cause that's just the kind of bad karma bullshit i ain't interested in.

oh and i cried. a lot. cried all the mascara right offa my face. wearing only my undergarments. i think i'm decompressing from the best hawai'i trip, followed by an immediate road trip with tony guest, an overwhelming return to work (with all the stress it is currently involving) as well as the emotional realizations of being single and questioning all this dating in san francisco shit. and then i ate way too many bites of chocolate-chocolate chip cookie dough. what?

so, i've gotta pull myself up by my bootstraps and get rid of this self-pitying crap... jt is on his way to pick me up for the madonna-halftime-show party at jh's house.

so i made a list of the good things and the things i love in my life right now, to help me get rid of the boo boo feelings...

- hawai'i with big red and 22(!!!) teenaged girls.
- time with tony guest.
- this guy... (so loyal and totally loves me all the time, even when my salty tears are making his pretty coat sticky and matted... he stays in my lap, regardless...)

- awesome playlists with girl-power anthems.

- living in california and not some stinky town way over there on the east-coast.

- feria hair color #66, ruby fusion.

- a certain marine friend who plays the big-brother card wayyyyyy too early, but essentially scaring off any possible romantic endeavors with a certain someone. probably don't want someone who scares easily... knowwhatimsayin?!

- brussel sprouts and bacon.

- caribou antlers in my apartment.

- this new (to me) blog... i am obsessed with. 

- dance class tomorrow. thank goddess.

- you. i love you. a lot.

on a day like today, big red would say... take five deep breaths, tell yourself: all is well in my world. i have love and abundance. then put on your favorite outfit and allow yourself to have a beautiful day. i love that woman more than the sun and the moon.

piccys from ffffound.com and my photobooth.

and now for something completely different...

things are unfolding professionally. and i've got to put some extra time in where it's called for, and practice some serious patience and reserve at other times. what i thought had been tossed aside turned out to be continually brewing over the past month. maybe einstein should just relax. and i didn't even realize that anyone but me had been thinking about it... i even forgot a bit about it. probably because i have been consumed with getting my personal life in order after the tumultuous end of 2011. so, here's to keeping calm [in the work place] and carrying on.

oh, i jumped on the keep calm and carry on bandwagon pretty late. i don't think i heard the phrase/saw the image until late last year... whoops. but, there's some serious merit there. and especially right now, i think the idea of the phrase is holding very resonant for me. unobtrusive tones help to notice nothing but the zone.


i tend to be an all or nothing kind of gal. jump in feet first. i want what i want when i say that i want it. oy. time to take some deep breaths and re-align my spine, you know?

i had a brief conversation with jt and his roommate, who has become a dear pal... he (roommate) has got professional stuff brewing too. we are so similar in some regards. anxious to have good things in our lives. and how else would we get these good things if we didn't actively go out and seek them? follow up. stay connected. eyes on the prize. oh, but that gets so exhausting (and sometimes self-destructive... i don't think my best thoughts when i'm rushing or highly emotionally charged. what? bummer)!

there is some merit in letting things unfold naturally. this is not to say that i am sitting idly by while the world swooshes around me. but, i'm practicing patience. respecting that not everyone's brain moves at the same pace as mine. and some people even have... boundaries. what. does. that. even. mean?! well dust off your thinking caps.

it means i am moving with care and calculated steps. i am staying true to my course while allowing others to stay true to theirs, with an honesty that requires me to look a bit more at my actions. and not react so quickly. shit. it's hard. in work and in love...

slow down everyone

your moving too fast.

because personal shit is another matter entirely. you may remember that i have been dating lately. at times, much to my chagrin. but, it's happening. and in one instance we both jumped in pretty quickly. too quickly. and when it came time to slow down, neither of us knew how to do it. so, now we're navigating what it means... i wish they could believe, in all the things that never made the screen. figuring out if we are interested in salvaging the possibility of a friendship/relationship.

so, i went on a date this week (eeeeek, i know!) and it went really well (in my opinion). but, i'm going to do my best to stay level headed about it. even though viscerally, i'm spinning. i mean it. i had such a great time. in the long run we have found, silent films are full of sound. but it was one, first impression date. i'll keep you posted though.

until then...

shit, i mean...

frames can't catch you

when you're moving like that.

although... you know big red will be all up in this shit. love you. piccys from ffffound.com, again. lyrics are jack johnson. inaudible melodies from brushfire fairytales. big red, myself and 25 of her teenaged students are going to hawaii next week.... i'm getting in the mood. trust.

it's all research...

hindsight is 20/20 right? the first time i heard that phrase i didn't understand it. and to be honest, i still don't. now, for different reasons... but it seems that there is no way for reflection to be that cut and dry.

these days it seems to be about gut reactions. when i'm telling my friends or big red about an event or a person and i mention my gut reaction, they say layla, always trust your instinct. it just isn't that clear, though. when my instinct says no. stop. back away. and i don't listen... so this is the city, so this is progress. how can something so pretty become such a mess? in the end, i always wish i had. when my instinct says yes. go. fly. don't look back. i listen. but, if i fall... i wish i hadn't. so, when do we know when to trust ourselves? and will hindsight really provide a clear answer?

i'm not swooning as hard today. and my hindsight is about 20/3000. at best. i have no idea where i stand at the moment... and i'm ok with it. because when my gut and my heart said yes. go. fly. don't look back.  i listened. i did as it told me. i flew fast and hard. and for a short time, it was glorious... it still might be, or i may not get the outcome i had anticipated. but i'm not desperate for an outcome. i am, for certain, interested in the information i am gathering along the way. you know that i'm good for it. you know i can pay.

my favorite (i use that term loosely, because they were all my faves) professor in grad school was a woman who taught, mainly, anatomy for movers. she. is. brilliant. and so candid. we were chatting once after a particularly emotional moment in my life (quelle surprise...) about her partner. she and her long-term boyfriend have a really functionally beautiful relationship, and when she described it she mentioned she had to do a lot of research before finding him. well put, non?

there is no more than this steel and stone, more than this flesh and bone. there is a little piece of land in me, no other man can own.

so, it's all research. 

am i making mistakes along the way? shit ya. and hopefully, they will be part of the fuel that leads to the next bit of research. and it could turn into a long-term project, you know?

i have nothing to say except, what is this life with no love along the way?

pics from here and here. these beauties of lyrics by devotchka. along the way from a mad and faithful telling. know this band please. and if you do know them, literally, introduce me, yes? thank you.

revolutions...

so, i'm crushing on someone pretty good right now. but, don't tell him just yet, ok? i don't think he knows how to get to this blog... and he definitely doesn't know that i'm even writing about him. probably... i need to give it a bit more time. ugh. i'm so bad at the whole patience/dating thing. gross.

but anyways. last week swoony mcgee and i were having dinner. he kept asking me whether i had heard of this awesome local sf band, or that amazing bar/venue? had i ever eaten at the insanely delish restaurant on the corner of trendy and hipster? no. nope. none of 'em. blast, his life is so much better than mine. and apparently, i do nothing. ok, this doesn't entirely come as a surpirise... i do wake up at an ungodly hour... every week day. (that's gotta end, non?)

so... it's time. to make some resolutions. or revolutions if you live in layla-land. do not fear, they're not lose ten pounds kind of revolutions. awesome-shit-i'm-gonna-do-forever-and-ever-amen kind of revolutions. readddddyyyyyyy, ok!

oh. my. god. do stuff already. so there's a whole list of sub-revolutions that go in this pile... see music. see films. see friends. make friends. go on dates. go on bike rides. eat good food. drink good booze. (is that legit? for those last to to be on the do list...? most are trying to stop eating and stop drinking... whoops. i was never any good at following the rules anyway...). allow love in.

stop waking up at 4:30 in the morning to go to work. even 5:30 would feel fairly civilized. and 6:30? swoon.

stop worrying about the world ending. it's not going to end right? tell me it won't.

stop worrying about getting everything done before the world ends. shit.

stop worrying. or at least follow the rule that my therapist when i was seven years-old gave me... layla, you can only worry for thirty minutes per day... then you have to let it go. and stop worrying. go run around the blok. i'll be doing an awful lot of block running in 2012.


keep writing. even this blog. follow through, kiddos... i'm not always the best with it, so this is the year i'm gonna make things happen.

learn to do the worm. ya, the break-dancer-esque move. i thought it would happen in 2011... girl's gotta be realistic, improvisational... flexible. this is the year though, i can feel it.

save money. ugh.

color your hair more often, layla... no one wants to see your roots. nuff said.

that feels like enough, right? ya. that'll do. i'll keep adding. i've got lists all over the place. i've even been making a list about swoony mcgee. someone get this girl off the internet... doesn't she know she's not supposed to say stuff like that. (a girlfriend told me i'm supposed to make him pursue me... to not always be available... play it coy... huh? play?) i need a manual for this dating shit. you got one?

but even better, got any revolutions? or resolutions, as all normal humans put it? do tell!

alrighty everyone... the images are from my pinterest, here, and my pinterest... yes, i know that's sort of cheating. but if you click through on pinterest you'll get to the point of origin (well, a point of origin). it's early, and i'm already running a teensy bit late. whoops. let's all send each other amazing energy, ok? get ourselves into 2012 feeling ready. and if not ready, on our way there. you're my favorite.

you have some 'splaining to do...

i'm not afraid to admit when i'm wrong. you are all over my rainbow, taking the scene, in my crazy dream.

remember this post? well... i've gotten some interesting responses. mostly from girlfriends who think i'm a complete whack job for not giving the online dating thing a try. lay, are you crazy? why would you not take the opportunity to pre-screen people... after your dating history this past year?! and if you've ever attempted to date in san francisco... well shit. nothing's fast or slow, it's in-between. it's close to impossible. but those are the details that you can read in a love in the time of san francisco-type blog.

soooooo... here's what i did. i took almost all of the information from the afore mentioned post and put it up on an online dating site. just to see what would happen. (btdubs... a different site than the one i tried from the dark period). and i'll be damned... i actually got responses. so after weeding through the ones of dudes with no pictures and the ones with very bold sexual questions... i'd say i got three or four promising notes. from real humans. god, if i'd known it would be that simple... all melodies are coming ashore. flushing over me.

i'm going to save all my juicy details for a while, but maybe we'll have more to talk about... hmmm? (but, i will tell you that i'm already swooning a bit).

maybe next time around i won't be so judgy...

don't get out, the morning wants to keep us safe in here. resting on your shoulder, we won't go until there's no more people out there.


words are oh land. rainbow from the album oh land. i love these ladies... they remind me how beautiful we all are! images from here. happy monday, yes?