oversleeping...

have you ever walked out of your apartment and down the stairs, with sleep still in your eyes, a ratty top knot on your head and no bra with intentions of a beautiful cup of coffee only to find a homeless man sleeping in your hallway? me too!

ok, but seriously. i live in a building with a secure door. you know, you've got to have key or have someone buzz you in. and i'll tell you, i've locked myself out twice! twice. ugh. i had to jury-rig (remind me to tell you the story of tonyguest telling me it's jury-rig and not jimmy-rig, which i have been saying for approximately 30 years. whoops) a ladder to climb up to my fire escape and break in through the window. not ideal.

at any rate, at 6:58 am, a rather stinky gentleman was 100% inside my securely locked building. it startled me. so, i woke him up and kindly asked him to move along, that this was a private building and he needed to find another bed.

oh, ya ya ya. aight. what time is it? did i oversleep?

did you oversleep?! well, yes! sir. you. did. in my secure building, you overslept on the first floor hallway stinking up the joint. have a great day.

i escorted him out the door, closed it behind me and made my way to peet's for a large coffee (where, btdubs, mac is no longer a morning barista! what?! i know. he moved to south city and the early morning commute is too much. it's awful, though i am coping. everett is taking good care of me... and impressed jordan up the wazoo when we walked in and everett had my coffee waiting for me when we got to the front of the line... oy, too many stories. i'll get organized soon-ish, though and we'll get back on track).

you guys! when i came back to my apartment at 7:07 am, the same stinky gentleman was in my building. again!!!!! can you believe it? this time he was in the hallway on the second floor. my floor. how. did. this. happen?!?!?!?!? i couldn't stand not knowing, so i asked him: how did you get in here?!?!? how did you get back into this building? who let you in? how did you get in here? (i probably shout-asked him, actually.)

sorry lady. have a great day. the door was open. sorry lady. i'm goin'i'm goin.

i mean, what? it is close to impossible to break into my building. both times i did it, i had to wait for one of my neighbors to come home, recognize me and then let me into the alley/trash area where i could scale the darn building to get in. and let me tell you... it took wayyyy longer than 9 minutes to be successful. oh. my. goddess.

there's been lots of gosspin' (that's ricky ricardo speak for gossiping, duh) since it happened. i wrote a kind but firmly worded letter to my neighbors who all responded in disbelief, except for one... hmmmmmmm.

apartment #4 said this has happened before.... that #6 is a whacko and doesn't even have a job. so that should tell you something...

i'll keep you posted.

i'm en route to mexcio. five days of playa fun. i'm planning on doing nothing but drink margaritas, sit by the water, write to you, read and do pilates and yoga with hannah, my cohort. adios. te amo. pictures from ffffound.com.

l is for the way...

it's labor day. there's a rule about white pants related to this day, but as it turns out i'm not super into the rules. you know? today, labor day meant that i only had to work a half day. mini days sure are great. although, when i woke up, my out of town guest was still here, and when i got home he was en route back to long beach... so here's the deal team: i'm in a long distance relationship.

yes.

on the same weekend that i had a brown ledge reunion (which is just plain old good ju-ju), i met this guy. he's in my life now. and here's the deal. we had to have a come-to-jesus talk about this blog. was i going to be the kind of blogger that never mentioned her significant other? hell no. so, maybe the kind that had some sort of code-name for him? eh, maybe. nah, y'all, his name is jordan. he's remarkable. and he lives in long beach. minor detail.

jake darling invited me to the park that weekend to sit around. i went thinking it would be just us. so i did not put on my cutest outfit. i had not brushed my hair in a day or three. i was a teensy bit hanged-over and i still had only half a voice. when i walked up and saw a pile of people, jake made fun of me for sounding like a river-rat. the first words of actual substance out of my mouth were fuck you. oh, hi. jordan is it? nice to meet you. pardon my everything.

turns out jordan didn't so much care. i am convinced he's quite delusional. he not only found me attractive, but actually mentioned to our mutual friends that he thought i was very cool. and that it was very cool to meet me. (he says cool a lot. i think it's cool).

i was fairly convinced that i'd never see him again, and wasn't super excited about that. but, darling jarrett got on the old facebook and told us to get it together already and be friends. being the free-thinking, independent-spirited adult i am, i followed his instructions diligently and friend requested this bearded new yorker.

long to short. facebook messages turned into emails, emails turned into phone calls. and phone calls have turned into a handful or so of dollars worth of round trip airplane tickets, a killer mixtape, a wedding in healdsburg (not ours), countless endless conversations (some easier than others), a lot of laughing until our bellies hurt, a few new friends, some tears, a meeting with tony guest and big red and a whole lot of love. that's right. l.o.v.e.

the parallels in our lives are uncanny. we've gotten to a point that when our stories don't have some kind of bizarre parallel with some far-off memory from the corner of our brains, we think that's the weird part.

so, we're giving it a go. send us your good energy would you? i love you. oh! and. i'm 30 now.

there's a point somewhere in here...

did your mother ever teach you, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...? ya, me either. big red would say, if you gotta get it out, get it out. not in a malicious way, of course. but in confidence. to someone you trust. well, i trust you.

buuuut, i'm not going to say not nice things, today. and believe, i've got a lot of not nice things to say at this exact moment. about a lot of people and things. people and things that i generally love as a whole. just. not. today.

do you do your own laundry? what? two words. wash. and. fold. shit... three.

it is my absolute, without a doubt, 100% favorite discovery since moving to san francisco. i know what your thinking (besides, why the hell am i reading a blog about wash and fold)... wash and folds exist everywhere. but, this one, y'all. (i just exhaled out loud in real life thinking about it). magic.

i tried wash and fold once in new york. it was a snowy sarah lawrence day and i had two and a half boat loads of laundry that i did not want to sit around the pondfield rd laundromat to do. duh. so i took it in. $1.20 per pound. up $.40 since before winter break. but, i was there. i went back the next day to pick it up. not ready. the next day, not ready. the next? nope. four days later i had half-heartedly folded, cleanish laundry.

not the case at laudry-land on 17th and sanchez in the castro my friends. steve and his wife run a legit operation. in by 8am out by 4pm. after one time, they know my name. and the folding... oh. my. gawwwwwwwd. it's reminiscent of when i worked 8-hour folding shifts on main street at disneyland making sure all those effing pink minnie mouse shirts were folded in such a way that  you could see minnie's eyes lined up on the fold on every shelf all the way from toon town. (was that a run-on sentence. whoops). ugh. but, in this case, it's pure genius.

they even match my socks! and they all come back to me. 10 pairs in, 10 pairs out.

are you stil reading. congrats. you're very brave. there's a point to all this, i promise. i picked up my laundry tonight and steve, the very kind korean man that owns the joint, and i talked about his kids, cars, commuting, living in san francisco and the general change happening related to human kind these days...

after a complete shit day (the great lunch i had with a super fun dude not included), the seemingly most insignificant interaction made my day perfect. thank you, i'll finish this day off with a smile. find a wash and fold within walking distance and make it happen.

thanks for being patient with me, btdubs... i'm getting back into the swing of things me thinks. these three pretty pics get their full credit here.

castro-versary...!

ohhhhh, june!?

hey gurl.

i've been living in june. very busy living in june. and i have so much to tell you. in fact, i've been keeping lists of the things i want to tell you. yesterday when big red and i were chatting she mentioned that she noticed i hadn't been putting my words on this here blog very often, recently. i assured her it was not for lack of words, but for lack of quiet time in which i am awake long enough to make my words sound like real sentences of the english language and not just random pairings of words strewn about on the page.

june has been gorgeous in san francisco. sunny and h.o.t. hot. so it always cracks me up, when on the first day of minor fog, all of san francisco begins to moan and groan about the fog and the coldest winter i ever lived was a summer in san francisco (thanks mark twain) and all that buzz... but really y'all... it's been perfect. and even more perfect is this weekend... because this is what makes me proud to be 'merican...

these colors don't run. happy pride!!! 

it's also my castro-versary! it was this weekend last year that i moved into my apartment in the castro and began what i've discovered now, as the long journey to re-claiming my post graduate school, san francisco loving and self-loving identity. it's been a bit of a windy road and i'm still navigating, but shit it's getting better every day.

i've got hundreds of lessons that i want to tell you about... probably, they are all super obvious and you are going to think in your head duh, layla bean... we learned that one about the golden rule in 2nd grade, but sometimes putting the rules into action in my adult life and sticking with my guns long enough to see it through the hurt and to the good is hard. and i'm often stubborn and impatient... so hang in there with me, would ya?

until i get those words out, take a look at the beauty that's been existing up in my life!

tiniest second of fog... and still beautiful.

he's an animal.

i discovered that my neighbors have been hiding this little garden over that big old fence of theirs!

new do.

first game in sf... el gigantes!

gurl. i started doing my own gel mani! are you jelly?

he likes to feel the wind on his face.

cooking lessons.

no words...

see you soon. i love you. 

breaking up is hard to do...

remember that song by neil sedaka? here's the thing, it was playing in whole foods on friday while i was buying the ingredients for a meal i was preparing to make for a pal. i hadn't heard it in ages, but somehow i knew every word... i be-bopped through the produce department and even kick-ball-changed my way to the meat counter. for a song about such an emotionally taxing event, it's got a great beat and a lot of doobie doo's to sing-a-long with!

the following night, i broke up with that same pal i was shopping for... as a friend.

have you ever done it? usually, when i'm ready to be done/need to be done with a friendship, i let it fade away. cowardly really. i stop calling. i stop responding. fade.

but this time i did it. i said all the things that i needed to say. the things that i usually wish i had said when i look back at the situation.

it was awful. and arduous.

you see. i love[d] this friend. but as much as we rallied our friendship around our mutual ability to be fiercely loyal, it turns out he couldn't hold up his end of the bargain. i think he fooled himself into believing that his untruths were true. that the issues he created were actually my issues. hell. no. m.f.

my usual nature is to ignore the issues. lie to myself and pretend its all ok, because when we're together, we have a great time. it's as though i'm telling myself that having a dysfunctional friendship is better than having no friendship at all. that's dangerous. last night i picked up my bravery and said no thanks. ok, not exactly that politely... whoops.

you see, we met for drinks, ate dinner and then had one more drink. when i was in the bathroom at the bar i thought to myself, leave. you shouldn't stick around for this shit kind of friendship. tell him his behavior is not ok and get the fuck out. but i didn't. instead i went back to the bar and ordered another drink, sat down and feigned interest in whatever we were talking about.

as big red pointed out... honey, that's a line in an eagles song... take another shot of courage, wonder why the right words never come. my liquid courage came in the form of rye whiskey.

but, after he walked me home. all the right words came. well, right might not be totally accurate. i could have been wayyy more eloquent. probably, it would have been more effective without tears pouring out of my eyes... but i did say it. don't call. don't be my friend. i don't deserve this mess that you've created. 

part of me hopes that he'll come to his senses and get it together... though, the realist in me (who rarely makes appearances) knows that it's highly unlikely. i will forever be thankful for the brief bits of lovely friendship that we did share, though.

xoxo. be kind. love your friends as you love yourself. and remind me to do the same when i forget, ok? thanks. find all these pictures on various boards on my pinterest.

the northern line...

i fell in love on the train once. it was in london. on the northern line. i never spoke to him, but we stared at each other for a long while. from angel station to waterloo. then i just got up and left. but, i swear, i loved him for about 18 minutes.

there's something so romantic about a train ride... at least in london there was. it was the first time i used public transportation on a regular basis (la baby, remember). everyday i got on the underground and rode from bounds green to king's cross for classes. and at the weekends i would ride down to the south bank... gabriel's wharf, the book market, the tate modern and all of the shops and alleyways that became my 'hood.

perhaps since i've lived in new york and now san francisco, the train riding event has become less eventful and more practical. though... there is still some magic.

ever since i started working on the peninsula, i've been getting in my car and driving. yes, that big ol' hoopty girl of a car and i ride down the 101 everyday. and really, there's no reason i shouldn't be on the train. caltrain, that is... caltrain is its own beast, but one i'd be happy to conquer... if i'd just get moving on it already. jeez. i've just become so comfortable in my car. gross. and embarrassing. spending all that gas money is not sexy. though, i do love that guaranteed alone time. i listen to npr and occasionally try to stay up to date on popular culture (equally as gross and embarrassing).

the thing is... by the time i've rounded the corner from duboce/13th st to s. van ness i'm already shouting shitfuckdamn at some brilliant act of dumbassery. i hate that part.

and muni... ah muni. muni would take me to the train. i hadn't been on muni for a while... but a few weeks ago, i hopped on an m train to get downtown. it was so early. the old man across from me smiled his toothless grin at me and the little asian woman next to me was definitely listening to beyonce. get it gurl.

when a man leaving the train dropped his beanie, half the train leapt up after him... heaven forbid he lose that acrylic blend, machine made piece of textile genius. but after the man and his beanie were reunited, everyone sort of looked around and nodded. very pleased, indeed. go team.

so... i gotta get my butt on the train. walk to muni, muni to caltrain, caltrain to the peninsula, peninsula is work. if i had no other option, though... i'd be a trooper. dang car.

think i can make some pals on the train?

rearranger...

i've become a fog lover. i know. strange. especially if you knew me when i lived in new york. that shit wasn't right. i couldn't get behind the change of seasons and that white stuff falling from the sky. just. not. me. i prefer the sun. i prefer the way the world looks in the sun. oh, and yesterday... at 6:15pm... there was an eclipse happening... the most beautiful light was shining down 16th street that i have ever seen. but, i digress. i'm talking about fog.

this morning i woke up and my little bay window was almost opaque. i could hardly see the street below, there was so much fog. so, when i picked myself up and drove to work down on the peninsula, i was mildly disappointed by the sun. what?! yes. trust, i still love the sun. she and i will be friends till the end of time, but everyone deserves a rest, you know? few days of sun, then maybe some fog and/or rain. heaven. san francisco is heaven.

the fog makes me feel like nesting. and boy am i a good nester. i can snuggle myself in juuuuuust about anywhere. and these days i've got a lot of energy for rearranging my apartment. to make it feel just so. xavier and i have tried many variations, and think we have found one in which the view from the bed is just right and we can still hear the record player. of course, i've put about 83,000 too many holes in the walls and have absolutely zero paint with which to cover said holes. oh, one project at a time. i've never received an award for being speedy at anything... no need to start now.

so, i was pretty darn pleased when i was driving over the hill this evening at 21st on church to see the fog was covering my beloved little castro neighborhood. beautiful. the park was still crowded. kiddos on the new play stuff, but no sight of downtown, no ma'am. 

it means i can hunker down and do some more work... make some more design choices (but then, of course, change my mind and take everything down, spackle the holes and hope i can find something large enough to cover the damage!)

also... this came in the mail today. reason #2 is my personal fave...

probably, you should all listen to young the giant today. it's making the rearranging so sweet. oh, and throw ryan adams' cold roses in there for good measure! i like how every time i close my apartment door, one of those pictures you see up top wiggles out of alignment just so... i've decided to leave 'em askew. it's much easier to find books by color, don't you think? xoxo.


ps. spell check tried to make the word spackle into sparkle. ahhhh. i think i've developed a little crush on the spell check machine.

guts...

oh shit... i can feel it. something's brewing up in my belly. no. not because i had garlic and brussel sprouts last night... just that feeling in my guts. like, change. need for change. always. i know, didn't i just get all the change out of my system?

so, perhaps it's stability. could that be it? that i'm craving something solid... the need to feel safe. to feel ok.

don't be confused (big red), all is well. but maybe, in 2012, as humans, we are sort of trained to question things when they get comfortable. when all is well, we look for what's wrong. ok, change all of the we's in this paragraph to i's. 

i had dinner with my friend mia last night. we cooked and danced around to prince and simon and garfunkel on vinyl. it was lovely, really. but, as we are both sf transplants (christ, who isn't?), we had a conversation about creating circles of friends. there's all this beauty about san francisco. because most of us are wandering in from some other place, we have no one. so everyone becomes our someone. and everyone is open and welcoming to newcomers. but, there are always newcomers. so, has san francisco forgotten how to create the kinds of close-knit friendships and communities that some of us (me, mia...) are used to or perhaps, even craving?

we all know i can be a leeetle on the overly sensitive side... so i generally like to sit with these feelings for a minute or two. to see if they hold any merit, or if i'm [over] reacting to some nasty email from someone i don't particularly enjoy... patience. geez. these are days when i've been known to cut my own hair, eat the entire contents of my fridge and rearrange my apartment. i'm doing only the last. go me! except, at 7:58pm on a sunday, i've got an enormous mess in my one room apartment and i've spilled white wine on both myself and the cat. sorry cat.

oh... and if you've got any crafty projects for me, send 'em over. apparently, i've got lots of wall space and hardly anything to put on it!

i also look at blogs a lot on these days. this is my new favorite. all of the photos came from it. aren't they absolutely the most beautiful people in the world?! i always think i'd love to have friends that look like this. but, then i wouldn't be much fun... very non-interactive, as i'd be drooling at them all day long. xoxox. oh, i've got hella new music to share too... i'll do that soon, i promise.  oh, and that last photo... long hair, i think i'll ask him to marry me. i love you for reading.

best...

yesterday is one for the record books. such a brilliant day. jake and i had a bunch of together time... which can generally make me nervous, but we're pretty good at being friends. probably, i don't have to worry about too much together time.

we met for coffee at philz (duh) and then hit the road for the world savvy challenge. world savvy is an amazing organization promoting students k-12 to become active, educated, participatory and responsible global citizens. read about them, for real.

so jake and i were volunteer judges for the world savvy challenge. we watched performances, looked at exhibits and observed round table discussions about the need for change as it relates to sustainable communities. what what?! ya, junior high and high school students talking about using bamboo as a resource to build houses in haiti, the epidemic of e-waste, water shortages and hunger. the performance that i didn't get to see... which was a major hit... isolationism in north korea! the musical.


i. know.

oh, and... the keynote speaker rapped beef  by boogie down productions. yes. 

yes.

a bunch of my brown ledge crew was there. that's my summer camp world. in fact, the organizer of the even is a brown ledge girl and overall brilliant genius. and jake, who knows very little about camp was thrown right into it. he's a champ, but perhaps a teensy bit overwhelmed by our rapid paced conversations and squeals over memories and summers past.

we took a break from each other, but then reconvened for PINA. you haven't seen it yet? do. it. now. a wim wenders film made with the dancers for the late pina bausch. genius. and in 3-d.

and of course i ran into one of my sarah lawrence dancers in the theatre. ok, not just any sarah lawrence dancer... but the one who danced for me during her entire sarah lawrence tenure. more squealing. more rapid fire talking. this time with wayyyyy more gestures and general wiggling. we talked about dance and movement and training bodies for movement patterns and visceral reactions to movement and how fucking scary that can be.

i have amazing friends. so blessed. so in love with it all.


be kind. i love you. piccys are still coming from ffffound.