rainy day behavior...

when i was a little girl, i cried every time i saw a homeless person. it gutted me to my core and i could never understand how that homeless person got to where he/she was. in the third grade i got in trouble at school for "forgetting" my lunch money every day, even though big red never once forgot to pack me a lunch... there was a homeless man living in front of the donut shop on 2nd st and i frequently gave him my lunch. i mean, as far as i could see, he didn't have a mom or dad taking care of him. and at 8 years old, it turned my heart inside out.

the sort of legendary tale from childhood was the day we saw a homeless family standing in the rain on the corner of pacific coast highway and 2nd street. we had just come from seeing a movie, all three of us, so it makes me think it must have been a big holiday, otherwise tonyguest would not be at the movies with us.

i saw the family and burst into tears. here was a family... with a mom and a dad... and a little girl. a little girl like me. with no umbrella. the sky was pouring rain on them with no umbrella. i have some quasi-memories of my mom talking to me about the nature of homelessness. the details seem fuzzy, but i guess i understood that helping could be sporadic, that i didn't have to give my lunch to everyone, or even a dollar to everyone. you sort of have to come to that kind of understanding when you grow up in long beach. oh, but this family. a family! we pulled over and i gave them my umbrella. from behind sun-chapped lips, the mother mouthed the word thank you. and the little girl looked so relieved. the father just closed his eyes.

last night i was talking to big red on the phone and she told me that when she left the market earlier in the evening a man ringing a bell outside the market was standing all alone in the rain, just ringing his bell. when she got to the car, she turned around and went back to give him her umbrella. with wide eyes he asked, really?! my mom just nodded.

then, this is what she said to me:

the world is so full of people, doing what they do. it makes me stop and take a deep breath. we are doing what we think we need to do, what we have to do to make it through the days. no wonder we bump into each other. it's so emotional.

the point? well, reciprocity has always been a personal theme for me... so i'm reinvigorating my intentions. give some and take some. give in order to take and take in order to give. mostly though, give generously.

instagram photos from users: dejiosinulu, mahessu and karyzmahh

rearranger...

i've become a fog lover. i know. strange. especially if you knew me when i lived in new york. that shit wasn't right. i couldn't get behind the change of seasons and that white stuff falling from the sky. just. not. me. i prefer the sun. i prefer the way the world looks in the sun. oh, and yesterday... at 6:15pm... there was an eclipse happening... the most beautiful light was shining down 16th street that i have ever seen. but, i digress. i'm talking about fog.

this morning i woke up and my little bay window was almost opaque. i could hardly see the street below, there was so much fog. so, when i picked myself up and drove to work down on the peninsula, i was mildly disappointed by the sun. what?! yes. trust, i still love the sun. she and i will be friends till the end of time, but everyone deserves a rest, you know? few days of sun, then maybe some fog and/or rain. heaven. san francisco is heaven.

the fog makes me feel like nesting. and boy am i a good nester. i can snuggle myself in juuuuuust about anywhere. and these days i've got a lot of energy for rearranging my apartment. to make it feel just so. xavier and i have tried many variations, and think we have found one in which the view from the bed is just right and we can still hear the record player. of course, i've put about 83,000 too many holes in the walls and have absolutely zero paint with which to cover said holes. oh, one project at a time. i've never received an award for being speedy at anything... no need to start now.

so, i was pretty darn pleased when i was driving over the hill this evening at 21st on church to see the fog was covering my beloved little castro neighborhood. beautiful. the park was still crowded. kiddos on the new play stuff, but no sight of downtown, no ma'am. 

it means i can hunker down and do some more work... make some more design choices (but then, of course, change my mind and take everything down, spackle the holes and hope i can find something large enough to cover the damage!)

also... this came in the mail today. reason #2 is my personal fave...

probably, you should all listen to young the giant today. it's making the rearranging so sweet. oh, and throw ryan adams' cold roses in there for good measure! i like how every time i close my apartment door, one of those pictures you see up top wiggles out of alignment just so... i've decided to leave 'em askew. it's much easier to find books by color, don't you think? xoxo.


ps. spell check tried to make the word spackle into sparkle. ahhhh. i think i've developed a little crush on the spell check machine.

peace...

big red and i have been giggling since i arrived. we paused though, for a moment. for this...

this is the photo that my mom used to make a card to send to grandpa jim's neighbors. they were an amazing group of people that gave jimmy, lois and big red so much support, especially towards the end. they brought food over when lois couldn't cook anymore, picked all the weeds and made sure the oranges were harvested. inside the card my mom wrote this...

Jim Dodson

April 20, 1918 - February 20, 2012

Husband

Father

Grandfather

Great Grandfather

Good Neighbor

Bon Vivant

Born, lived and died in

The City of Angels

Peace

she's a class act, that big red. and always so spot on. but of course, she'd never resist the opportunity to snap this photo...

he lived in the valley. sagging is the look there...

big red passed on a couple other choice photos... more to come. i love you.

a high of 82˚...

you've heard me say it before... so it shouldn't come as a surprise... I LOVE LA. ya heard. it deserves all caps. what?! I've been here for a few days for work. ya heard that too. for work?! who am i? have i told you this yet? forgive. all this la sunshine is getting to my brain maybe. but, i've made some pretty big and insane changes as it relates to work. I've taken a full time job, same company, new role. and i'm in la for a few days doing some training with the guru of my job. he's fantastic. flippin' fantastic!

at any rate... i've been staying in boys town. santa monica boulevard between la cienega and san vicente. ahhhhhh. now, it's not my la. my la is a little less west side, a little more grit (other side of the hill), but in many ways, la is la. no matter where. and it is beautiful this time of year.

every time i come here, the sunshine pulls at my heartstrings... if i lived here, think how close i'd be to big red! oh my! don't tempt me. for now, i'll still be in love with san francisco... maybe when my company's downtown la location opens, i'll try and woo myself into that seat... hmmmm. 

until then, get some sun, ok?

i'll be hanging with big red and tony guest tonight. heaven.

gratitude...

i have written and deleted the first sentence of this post a googooplex of times. so here are some words that are swirling around...

gratitude

love

gutted

overwhelmed

full

blessed

thankful

at peace

emotional

exhausted

remember this post? it's one of my personal favorites. the hardest to muster, but the writing came so easily... and that can be a rarity. so when it does, i savor it. would you read it if you have a moment? thanks.

grandpa jim died last evening. february 20th, 2012. two months (exactly) shy of his 94th birthday. 93 years old. jeez, he did such a great job living this life. the details of his passing are symbolic and so beautiful... but perhaps only meaningful and necessary to those of us that knew him. you know? but know this, and trust it... he went peacefully. having been with my mom all day, he went with a full and confident heart, knowing that we loved him... honestly and unconditionally. 

big red and i are taking this opportunity to be reflective and to remember how cyclical life is. grandpa jim was a complicated man, who isn't? so we're allowing ourselves to consider all the parts of him... did you know that when my mom was a child, she would frequently come out to breakfast in the morning to find him in a headstand?! a headstand! as she walked passed he'd say good morning louise... simple. he was a yogi. he learned yoga in india during the second world war. amazing. 

ummmmm. hello!? have you noticed how much i have been writing about yoga lately?! this morning... and yesterday's post was about big red and yoga! symbolic, non? and a few hours before he passed, big red was reading aloud to him... from a yoga book of his from the early 60's. it's all connected. we are all connected.

remember i told you that i cried in yoga this morning? it's because megan, my teacher, asked us to join hands. because, researchers who have been studying the heart have learned that when humans connect, their heartbeats begin to sync... to beat in time with one another's. so we held hands with the purpose of allowing our hearts to beat together... she knew exactly what i needed. 

i love you. thank you for being in my life.

namaste.

here's how i'm workin' it today...

i'm in love with my yoga teacher. she is so retarded amazing. and knows exactly what i need... i was in tears in the first 15 minutes of class. all good things, ya know? here's what's happening today... make yours a good one too, oui?

i'm also hella inspired to find new music today... my yoga teacher played some amazing tunes today. so, here's what's happening in my class today...

1. raconte-moi une histoire - m83

2. how can you swallow so much sleep - bombay bicycle club

3. les champs-élysées - joe dassin

4. love endeavor - alice smith

5. radio - lana del rey

6. young blood - lynx

7. somebody that i used to know - walk off the earth

8. santa fe - beirut

9. sunshine - devotchka

10. stolen - dashboard confessional

11. no rest - dry the river

12 . i slept with bonhomme at the cbc - broken social scene

13. intro - the xx

14. when the night comes - dan auerbach

send me new tunes, please. and thank you. spread hope. xo

t.a.g. ...

i've never gone into explicit detail about tony guest. tony guest is my dad. he. is. epic. i mean it. and the two of us? we're complicated. in a great way. sometimes i'm astounded at just how similar we are... which sort of explains why we butted heads whilst i was growing up. i don't need to fight, to prove i'm right. he is really the only person i've ever had a shouting match with. (don't worry we forgave each other and moved on).

anywhoodle. he is in san francisco right now, hanging out. we drove from long beach to sf this week after i flew back from hawai'i. (did i mention i went to hawai'i? whoops. mahalo for your patience while i was on hiatus. more on that later... ) the purpose of his trip, you ask? he is here to do stuff. for me... such as... hang hooks on the wall for the dishtowels, hang shelves, paint the trim around the windows, hang hooks for towels in the bathroom. out here in the fields. i farm for my meals. i get my back into my living. oh, and how could i forget?! he brought me caribou antlers. ya. you read that right. antlers from a caribou. don't know what those look like? they're the size of you and me, put together. originally, he wanted to bring me the antlers with the caribou bust still attached. what? i politely suggested that perhaps that big ass 'bou wouldn't so much fit in my tiny ass studio apartment. he respectfully agreed. he's great like that.

take my hand.

we'll travel south cross land.

put out the fire, 

and don't look past my shoulder.

so, here's the thing. tony guest and i just spent the last hour watching every live version we could find of the who's baba o'riley (often mistakenly called teenage wasteland). y'all. for your personal enrichment, read this, then watch this...

epic. EPIC! that guy playing the violin is nigel kennedy. he is retarded amazing. we saw him once live. this was the bill: nigel kennedy plays bach, brahms, bartok and jimi hendrix. duh. he's amazing. oh, and he wore red, high top converse sneaks during the concert. probably, he's another of my soul mates. don't cry. don't raise your eye. it's only teenage wasteland.

back to tony guest. (and probably, you'll start to hear more about him as time goes on) he described to me what it was like to see the who live, in concert, at the great western forum (on a date with big red, no less. swoon city! hellooooooo? can you believe how lucky i am!?!? they made me!). doodle, he says, when we saw the who they played baba o'riley first. and it was darker than beans in that arena. and i was loaded. when the music started, they blew up a keg of flash powder. christ, i thought i was gonna be blind for life. i mean, that was really something. but i was so loaded, i didn't care. the music was just so brilliant. i didn't care!

the happy ones are near.

let's get together,

before we get much older.

did you just fall in love with him too? ah. it really is a brilliant piece of music.

lyrics? duh. read the above, you'll figure it out. that piccy is from pinterest. and why does my dad have a spare caribou in the house? he was a hunter at one point in his life. he "got" that caribou himself. fed he and his crew for two weeks. hope that didn't freak you out. xoxoxoxo

so cal, brah...

you know i'm an l.a. lover... right? the city of angels? how can you not? i will do my best to not get all historical on yo' asses and just tell you to trust me. angel city is one of the truly greatest places on earth... and not too far from my little home town, long beach.

sometimes i feel like i don't have a partner

sometimes i feel like my only friend

is the city i live in,

the city of angels.

i hope to tell you way more about it in the next few weeks or months or whatever... till then, some piccys!

i drive on her streets

'cause she's my companion.

i walk through her hills

'cause she knows who i am.

9¢ coffee from phillippe's... it's a staple for us.

xmas... big red got real tie tie, i got tipsy and photo'd myself. whoops.

take me to the place i love

take me all the way.

long beach... not as 'hood as you though, huh?

(s)he could be xavier's (skinnier) cousin...!

big red and i watched born yesterday... correction, big red bought born yesterday on dvd for me, for christmas. seriously, if you have not seen this film... you. must. right. now. close your computer, and go get it. judy holliday?!?! are you kidding me? she's a contender for the most brilliant comedienne i've ever seen in my world. (and you know lucille ball and i are soul mates right? red hair). holliday won an oscar for this film! ya' heard me. 

at least i have her love, the city she loves me.

all these piccys are mine, y'all! but these lyrics? duh. red hot chili peppers. i been swooning over under the bridge since i first heard it at heart's bend in newfane, vermont. summer of 1992. oh jonah keith... my camp boyfriend... we swooned over this together, a lot... ahhhh,

caution...

hey gang!

things are about to get crazy up in here. you see, i've decided it's time for change. and if you know me in real life, you know that this happens... frequently. but, if you don't... i'll elaborate.

i usually rearrange my apartment every season. i've had every hair do (and don't) under the sun. almost every color too. i haven't lived in the same city for more than two years within the last eight-ish years. 

so, my friends... i'll say it again. the times they are a changin'. it'll be a new year soon! so, over the next week, or so... i'll be fiddling with things. design and what not... the content will remain [mostly] the same. i am trying to get a bit more focused, though. go with me, yes?

as always, your feedback is trés (that's french for very... classin' this joint up a bit) appreciated! shoot me a note in the comments or via email! i'd love to know what you think, or just say hi!

xoxoxoxoxoxo,

[formerly] the thinking body.

happy merry...

i love you. and i'm so glad you are in my life. maybe my swirly brain will calm down now... but here's a little look at christmas in the lbc...

home...

only two places in the world actually feel like home to me. one is where i am right now... sitting in my parents' house in long beach. sunshine in the windows, creaky hardwood floors, palm tree in the front yard, fresh flowers on any horizontal surface with free space. the other is 71 brown ledge road, colchester, vermont. 05446. (more specifically, in the pointhouse). but, i realize, i haven't told you much about my summer home... sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now. cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town. it's not a summer home like most people have. it was my summer camp for 13 summers. my other home. but, i'll have to owe you many more posts to come about that place.

today. it's all about the lbc. with big red and tony. so much lovin' in the lbc, ya dig?

i'm home for a few days. it always surprises me though, how at home i feel, because i haven't lived in this house for about ten years. this little spanish style duplex with the royal blue trim. my room is no longer my room. but, you know what? it still sort of is. and the seasons they go round and round. there's a tiny corner piece from the jonathan taylor thomas poster that i hung over my bed on the ceiling. right up there with hundreds of those tiny glow in the dark star stickers. i know how most of the stains on the carpet got there. i can see, so clearly, where the big taxidermied moose head hung for most of childhood. and the painted ponies go up and down. remnants of my artwork are still on the walls. but mostly, it's my mom's room now. her other room, that is. where she set up her office, her vanity, a television (so she can watch ncis while my dad watches golf in their actual room). i don't mind sharing though.

today something new and different happened in my room. my dad came in to talk to me. but, not in our usual way...

words like when you're older must appease him. and promises of someday make his dreams.

bean, i was a little depressed the other day. you know, because things are going to be changing soon. (he pulled out a scrap of paper where he had written down some notes... about why he was feeling depressed. do you love it?). i know i can take care of myself, and i know i can take care of your mother. but, i don't think i can take care of you. and not in a financial way. but, i'm not really the broad shoulders anymore. i can't give you everything you need... we can't return, we can only look. behind from where we came.


what? oh my dad. there's more...

your mom said not to worry. that i had always given you all of the tools. the tools to be able to do anything you want. 


i hope i did. 

if you know my dad, you know that this is a pretty big-ass deal. though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true. but there'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty. we've worked on our relationship for a long time... and we're definitely still navigating it. but, shit. this just about shattered my heart into a million trillion pieces... in the best way, you know?

before the last revolving year is through.

i love you.

lyrics from joni mitchell's, the circle game. the mush pot of images... from my iphone, here, and our family collection... that last one is me and tony, circa 1985.

paper turtle v. 2.0

maybe you remember, but a little while ago i was getting real excited about some art. well, this arrived just after thanksgiving...

seriously? how beautiful is she?!

i hope that you'll all check out paper turtle. laura is this incredible woman who's got her head and her art in the right place. i'm going to hold back on telling you all the fab details about her new mexico-haiti art exchange...  because, you read laura's blog here. seriously, she and her partner, in haiti, aly have an amazing story and equally incredible photos! 

you can find the paper turtle store on etsy... they've got other amazing taxidermied-esque papier-mache bits of all sizes. (she even threw in a super sweet heart shaped ornament for me). 

buy stuff then send me pics, ok?

hope your weekends are divine!

digress...

it's kind of amazing how much changes over the course of a couple of years. hell, over a couple of months, even. this morning i went out to move my car for street sweeping (yes, i live in a city with near-perfect public transportation and i still own a car. i'm. from. l. a.), it was cold. like, real cold. but, when i walked back into my apartment with that crisp feeling still lingering, i smiled a little to myself and thought about how beautiful it is here, even when it's cold. even when it's foggy. even when it's raining. everything's gonna get lighter. even if it never gets better. ah. but it then occurred to me that this feeling is also about me and my place here in this city. and my love for the experiences here... and my growing feeling of comfort.

you see, two short years ago i was living in new york, and i was miserable, especially when it was cold. when it was foggy. when it was gray. i got hella good at complaining about these things. i lived on the border of bronxville and yonkers. aka, bonkers. i was in graduate school. let's be clear, graduate school was the best decision i ever made. and sarah lawrence was the perfect match for me, but the circumstances surrounding that world and that time of my life were, at best, overwhelming.

never ahead of, never behind it. occasionally guarded, just keeps us surrounded.

i hope i wasn't the only mfa student walking to school thinking, "what the fuck do i think i'm doing here? who do i think i am? an mfa? i haven't got a clue what i'm doing. i'm going to fail. hard. and in front of a lot of people. i wanna go home." come on board, it's a curious sight. absorbing sound that's never been right. seriously, often. oh, and of course there was snow on the ground and i was walking up hill and my snow boots gave me blisters and i hated my haircut and my mom and dad were entirely too far away. what? it was awful.

done. i'm done.

oh! (if you'll allow me to digress) my relationship status was also horrendous. my long distance and highly complicated boyfriend and i were on the outs. i started dating a playwriting student that i met at orientation that was the absolute wrong match for me. seriously ya'll... he date raped someone whilst we were dating. real life. true story. (btdubs... after spilling the beans to my mom about you-know-who she decided that my next boyfriend has to be boyfriend by committee. smart ass lady). i propose a less serious boat. but don't mistake it for a party of jokes.

anywhoodle. san francisco has magic. no matter how gray. no matter how rainy. no matter how effin' cold. my apartment is full of life. and it feels more like my childhood home than any other place i've lived over the years. (the men in this city need help though... i digress, again. since moving to san francisco, you-know-who broke up with me thrice. i was strung along and stood up on my birthday, lied to about intentions and filed a police report for the alcoholic who went on a bender while we were dating. pity party complete. i'm done with that shit. big red says the committee must approve. i agree). forget all your politics for a while. let the color schemes arrive.

today's words by mates of state. get better from their album re-arrange us. found this tent here. and these gorgeous window coverings from her blog (i love her). hope your gray day is sunny somewhere, even if only on the inside.