think-move art...

i'm writing in another place... i'll still be here, but i can also be found at thinkmoveart.com, my new space for movement/thought exploration. think-move art is a space for conversation about the moving body; its complexities, its function, its ability to create art.

thanks for stopping by. and please, share your thoughts...

Behavior is rarely rational; it is habitually emotional. We may speak wise words as the result of reasoning, but the entire being reacts to feeling. For every thought supported by feeling, there is a muscle change.

-Mabel Ellsworth Todd, The Thinking Body

Pina Bausch - Tanzteater Wuppertal - Rite of Spring

... an almost death.

"Oh honey, it was just a spell."

But the goose egg on your forehead; purple-yellow cheeks tell it as a different story. 

It smelled of gun powder and pipe tobacco. My fingers, black and fluorescent from scraping my nails against clay targets.

PULL - BANG - BREAK

I wiped my eyes. Tears, mascara and dirty fingers left stripes of war paint across my forehead and cheeks; solidarity for your marks.

--

The day after my mom called to tell me about her "spell," was the sorest day I can recall. My gut and visceral reactions made every muscle in my body tense. I slept poorly. My jaw locked. I could hardly move the next day. The fear reflex, the primal reaction to protect - changed my body.

feel all the things...

i'm a visceral thinker. if you've read this blog before, that'll sound familiar. but, every now and then i have to remind myself. remind myself that i feel things... a lot of things, and quite often. i have been known to take pause (literally) and delight in the fact that i'm having a new feeling... that it's a shade lighter than the feeling i had yesterday.

so when i get one of those immediate visceral reactions to people, events and pieces of writing, i relish in it. it's satisfying even if my reaction is not positive. i have to laugh sometimes at myself when i am so disgusted or revolted by an idea because i can feel my body change... tighten, twist, convulse. oh my, it runs deep.

but, then there's the stuff that makes me proud to be a human. proud to exist within a community that supports such profound and glorious thoughts. i've been reading the equals record. it's so interesting. so. interesting. what i love, is that i don't follow it all as whole-heartedly as i do other sites/stories. in fact, some perspectives shared on the equals record i do not enjoy... but, i enjoy that i don't enjoy it all. i think that's the sign of something brilliant. something balanced. and true to its name, equal.

if you've never read the writing on the equals record, may i suggest starting here (especially delightful, as i recently shared this with him), here aaaaaaand here. anyone who can elicit feedback the way this site has, is remarkable. i hope you enjoy it...

images from her. which, deserves a much more grandiose introduction... but i've been composing that one for ages in hopes of doing it justice... i'll get there, promise.

learn to listen...

what up. have i ever told you that i am not perfect? like, way far away from perfect. i leave dishes in the sink for days. i rarely fold my clean clothes. i hate proof reading, but i do it, reluctantly. imperfect is where i'm at. most days i super love all these quirks and... irregularities that i so tenderly hold on to. but, there are days y'all, when a gal's gotta strive for what doesn't come au naturale. like, listening. ok. for real, i can listen... and i'm actually quite good at it, but in a certain way. perhaps one might call my style of listening as... interactive.

i'm an only child. ha! if that weren't abundantly obvious, now you know. and the guest family, party of three, is one that takes pride in communicating. we were the type of family that ate dinner together, at the dinner table, every night. no tv. no phone calls. no hats (manners, duh). if one of us came home with an issue, we'd sit down and talk that shit out. come up with a solution. interactive. contributory.

now... i'm aware of many things. here's one: some people don't want to talk it out. they want to throw up (proverbially, and vocally) on you and then walk the eff away... you solve it. oh, here's another: constantly talking... not necessarily communication (i think kate winslet's character, clementine, in eternal sunshine said something to that effect. brill). this is a big one: i listen with my whole body. i respond. kinesthetically. and hella facial expressions come out. it's 100% something i need to work on, 'cause, as it turns out... not everyone loves that about me (go figure). this last one, ain't no surprise: i'm good at talking. chatting. discussing. proclaiming. stating. exclaiming.

listening is this thing that seems so easy. open my ears and take in the information. but it's so complicated. there's the act of processing the information. making sense of it all without projecting my own story of what's being said. being a set of honest ears is tough. especially when i've got opinions and my own sensitive ego to deal with. shit ego. let's not get into that just yet. another day.

for now, i'm practicing. my boss said to me today... just keep doing it. listen to something every day. i practice too. thanks, boss. i so appreciate the sensitivity of a good listener... read: big red. jesus. every day i've got another reason to honor that lady. striving to be the best of her. all in time. she's had more time to practice being awesome than i have... hopefully, it means i'll get there too!

oh, and hey. thanks for listening! you are beautiful and so good at it. say things to me. you can help me practice m'skillz. don't these little ladies look like amazing listeners... all in their own very special way???? pinterest. it's where i found 'em.

i'm up...

... wayyyy past my bedtime, again. but this city is always alive. maybe it's just my neighborhood. but, always, the sound of a car, someone laughing on the phone, tipsy people walking/tumbling past my door. but the energy is good. it gives me so much hope for life. which, i love. i need.

grandpa jim is going to a new home. for the first time in 35 years he will not spend his night-nights on katherine avenue, but at a nursing home in burbank. big red says it's for the best. i trust that.

so, all of the positive thinking and good juju that you have been sending me has been working. thank you. and this city is constantly giving me more. and i'm happier than i've been in a while. part of that feels counter-intuitive, when i know that my family is in a bit of chaos. but, i think my mom and grandpa jim would want it this way.

i've been riding my bike again. so much more in the past few weeks. using my body again. dancing. keeping my heart active and full.

i received a letter last week. in print, and on paper. it's sent my word into orbit, but in a good way. has taken my mind off of the family stuff. allowed me to be a visceral thinker. whole body thoughts. he described me in a way that i didn't know another person could. kind words and (cross your fingers) honest ones. i promise i'l share more later.

for now, i've just gotta throw these words into the universe so that i remember them.

saying yes is good.

love is the best.

hope you all say both, a lot over the weekend. i will.

just before i hit publish... voices outside my window screaming i love you i love you. moving bodies found here and here.

all the sand in all the sea.

this video moves me. physically and viscerally. my heart rate changes when i hear it. and even though the last time i saw devotchka live, i had had one (or seven) too many whiskey drinks, i remember how it made me feel. unreal. i predict you will like it too. here's the part that always gets me...

speaking of brill. have i told you about my new pal TH? he's a real genius. and, i know i throw that word around just i like i do glitter, but i think that on the charts that measure this kind of stuff... he's an actual genius.

well in the last few weeks i've had several ridiculous conversations with TH, but also a few convos with JT about the TH chats, am i confusing you? go with me. (btdubs... did i mention that the two of them are uncannily twin-like. dopplegangers like i've never seen before. ugh. swoon till next tuesday).

i have been telling those two boys for weeks that they have to meet and stare at each other because, 1. they would think that i had put a mirror in front of them and 2. they are both awesome and would have insane conversations. probably, i would just stare and swoon at them as they talk about equity accelerators, geothermal plants, nietzsche, drugs and bikes. waiting for the drums to kick in, you want to free your earthbound limbs. i'll pop in for a head nod or an 'mmmm hmmm.'

i am gonna count to three. then you are leaving here with me.

TH is an exceptional wizard, a math-guy. (don't ever tell him i said that. he doesn't like to think of himself that way) but he thinks very analytically. and quickly. he's the reasonable one in the group. he's got an answer to everything... but not an answer like i would come up with... just go upside down, get your ass over your head and tell the universe what you need. it'll come to you... he's a real decision-maker. (i've asked him to be available to me at all times so that he can make all of my decisions that i don't want to make and then rile me up).

JT is a thinker. majored in philosophy. could sit for eighteen hours and think about all of the possibilities for as many things as he could come up with. perhaps, never finding an answer, but falling in love with nine-hundred thoughts. and then if someone else makes a decision involving him, he'll run with that too... be in every moment.

and me. ? i think with my kinesphere. with my visceral sphere. most of the time i cannot remember the details of our exact conversation, but i can sure as shit remember how it made me feel. i think slowly and choose the words that i want to say as though it were specific choreography. but, then sometimes i forget about all that and start shouting my feelings out loud with no filter at all. oy. i'm a handful. often. and at best. 

so the three of us together? i think it will be magic. i will be crushed if it isn't. remind me to never ever tell either of them that i want to make-out with their brains. whoops. it's all in place. it's all laid out. as we speak, it's going down. MC will keep me on track... i hope. 

i'm trying (ugh, allowing.. ?) to post on a regular basis. not ten posts in one night. seeing that i use this online universe to procrastinate... i have begun procrastinating my procrastination. i have read through the entire archives of two entire blogs. oy, probably, that should not be said aloud ever again. more on those later... because we know, i will speak of it again, and, in fact, write an entire post about it. some pics from amaze-ball tumblrs here and here.