ch ch ch changes...

because of this, my mind has been more swirly than normal. more swirly. hard to believe, i know... but, apparently, i've been holding it together like a champ. who knew?! i've heard that my smile has been bigger in the past few days than it has been in a while. most people think i have a new boyfriend or something (barf).

jt has been sooooooo nice to me this week. seriously. taking good care of my downtime, and keeping me entertained. sometimes i don't even think he's doing it on purpose... it's natural for him. but, man oh man, do i appreciate it. sittin' with me at the ferry building, strolling through the farmer's market to taste sorbet, eating dinner and going to yoga. so indulgent, that one...

here's what we've seen:

and all of this makes the prospect of change even more scary, but he's got some stuff swirling too. so there's excitement and anxiety together. remember i told you about job changes? more to come. bigger and better. but that reveal needs to wait a few more days.

love you. and thank you for sending me so much kindness in the past few days. it means more than you will ever know... well, you probably know.

gratitude...

i have written and deleted the first sentence of this post a googooplex of times. so here are some words that are swirling around...

gratitude

love

gutted

overwhelmed

full

blessed

thankful

at peace

emotional

exhausted

remember this post? it's one of my personal favorites. the hardest to muster, but the writing came so easily... and that can be a rarity. so when it does, i savor it. would you read it if you have a moment? thanks.

grandpa jim died last evening. february 20th, 2012. two months (exactly) shy of his 94th birthday. 93 years old. jeez, he did such a great job living this life. the details of his passing are symbolic and so beautiful... but perhaps only meaningful and necessary to those of us that knew him. you know? but know this, and trust it... he went peacefully. having been with my mom all day, he went with a full and confident heart, knowing that we loved him... honestly and unconditionally. 

big red and i are taking this opportunity to be reflective and to remember how cyclical life is. grandpa jim was a complicated man, who isn't? so we're allowing ourselves to consider all the parts of him... did you know that when my mom was a child, she would frequently come out to breakfast in the morning to find him in a headstand?! a headstand! as she walked passed he'd say good morning louise... simple. he was a yogi. he learned yoga in india during the second world war. amazing. 

ummmmm. hello!? have you noticed how much i have been writing about yoga lately?! this morning... and yesterday's post was about big red and yoga! symbolic, non? and a few hours before he passed, big red was reading aloud to him... from a yoga book of his from the early 60's. it's all connected. we are all connected.

remember i told you that i cried in yoga this morning? it's because megan, my teacher, asked us to join hands. because, researchers who have been studying the heart have learned that when humans connect, their heartbeats begin to sync... to beat in time with one another's. so we held hands with the purpose of allowing our hearts to beat together... she knew exactly what i needed. 

i love you. thank you for being in my life.

namaste.

here's how i'm workin' it today...

i'm in love with my yoga teacher. she is so retarded amazing. and knows exactly what i need... i was in tears in the first 15 minutes of class. all good things, ya know? here's what's happening today... make yours a good one too, oui?

i'm also hella inspired to find new music today... my yoga teacher played some amazing tunes today. so, here's what's happening in my class today...

1. raconte-moi une histoire - m83

2. how can you swallow so much sleep - bombay bicycle club

3. les champs-élysées - joe dassin

4. love endeavor - alice smith

5. radio - lana del rey

6. young blood - lynx

7. somebody that i used to know - walk off the earth

8. santa fe - beirut

9. sunshine - devotchka

10. stolen - dashboard confessional

11. no rest - dry the river

12 . i slept with bonhomme at the cbc - broken social scene

13. intro - the xx

14. when the night comes - dan auerbach

send me new tunes, please. and thank you. spread hope. xo

on ownership, part deux...

this is the [long awaited] part 2 of a series on ownership. part 1 found here.

since most of you know i don't have a tv these days, which i'm sure still amazes tony guest to no end, as he could never peel me away from it as a kid... guess i'm really growin' up, huh dad? at any rate, not having a tv means i watch my tv on the internet. sometimes a whole series at a time (hello dowtnon abbey, what!? more on that later). but, i also watch a lot of youtube, read a lot of blogs (duh) and listen to/learn about new music. so, if you're an internet sensation... i've probably heard of you. it's no wonder my friends never call after 9pm, they know i'm otherwise engaged...

the point? beyonce. i'm so mad at her. still. huh? maybe you don't know about this... the internet has calmed down on all of this, but i'm still pretty heated. and for a couple of weeks last fall, the internets were a blazin'... and i liked it! you see, as soon as the video for countdown was released, my heart sunk. let's be clear. i. loved. beyonce. love. love. loved. and i'm not sure how forgivable it is at this point...

watch these:
(at least watch the last two, they're the ones that hold all of the information)

1. beyonce's video for countdown. directors: adria petty and beyonce knowles.

2. for those with short attention spans... a quick look at some pretty clear acts of pagiarism. video from studio brussel.

3. the kicker. put your glasses on. put it on full screen and watch. please. from here.

change of plans kiddos... watch these and let them marinate, ok? i'll be back tomorrow with the letter i'd like to send to beyonce. anybody have her address?

image from here. also, if i forget... remind me to buy toilet paper by the end of the week. please. 

an ode to big red...

i've been struggling to find my words lately. blocked... but i've been saving this story for just the occasion. helps me remember all the feelings that i love, you know!? and i've got feelings. new ones. all. the. time.

when big red and i were in hawai'i a few weeks ago, we went to yoga everyday. everyday. it was so glorious. i found an iyengar studio through the inflight magazine on hawai'ian airlines! way to go inflight. anywhoodle, each morning we took the bus to the silent dance center. (seriously y'all... if you're ever in honolulu, go! we went to the mo'ili'ili location. gorgeous!) we took class from two different women, who both changed my life and taught me something new (not just asanas) each class.

in our first class, the instructor asked big red and i if we had any injuries and whether we had done iyengar before. standard. big red told her it was her second time. true dat.

now, listen here, i think it's pretty clear to any of you out there that i think my mother is magical. beyond magical. she could have been spun from the magic threads of a unicorn's mane for all i know. and those who know her, love her. (and those crazies that don't love her, must be frightened of her magic. because, shit is powerful. trust.)

yoga teacher of day one got it. instantly. the way she took time to care for big red was beautiful. and it wasn't that my mom was doing the asanas incorrectly, or in danger of hurting herself. it was just that she obviously wanted to give my mom as much information as possible. as though she deserved to know everything that could be given in an hour and a half.

for a moment... a brief moment. i was jealous. i wanted the attention. i wanted to learn how to make my asanas better. to be corrected, and cared for. but then i stopped. and listened. listened to what she was telling big red. yoga teacher got it, i'm telling you.

and then...

she called me... louise's daughter. open your right hip as you tuck your sitting bones to the floor... (or whatever she actually said, because who cares?!) she touched upon my exact feelings. louise's daughter!!!!! that's me. she made me. and i'm the only one she made. lucky. maybe i've got a bit of that magic in me... i'm aiming for it!

she called me louise's daughter for the rest of our stay. it thrilled me to no end every time she said it. (thanks for that, val).

hope you've got someone magical. i adore you. you are magic. piccys are from our trip! alooooooohaaaaaa.

mahalo for your patience...

this about to get crazy up in here. i got a million thoughts... so i'm gonna throw 'em out real fast, then i'll tell you abou the real stuff...

1. big red texted me thrice in the last day and a half to make sure i was ok. my last two blog posts were too debbie downer (my words, not hers) for her taste.
2. do you think if i were mormon i'd have a larger readership?
3. my long beach 'tude has been runnin' rampant lately... everything's riling me up, so move with caution, eh? (jt thinks it's pretty entertaining, though).
4. tonight i shouted at some salvadorians who were cat callin' at me... GENTLEMEN! IT IS NOT THE EVENING FOR THIS SHIT! huh? i was tired and bent over the trunk of my car... talking to the 76 station lady about why my tire is crap. it really was not the evening to be whistlin' and ay mami-ing and thumpin' yo boom boom music all up at me. thanks.
5. i definitely had chocolate cake for dinner...
         6. peggy gould (the amazing prof from slc) always suggested using bold, italics, various fonts,and perhaps size to get a reader's attention... is it working?!
7. do you suppose the chocolate cake has kicked in yet?

dollfaces, mahalo for your patience. but for your benefit and mine, i'm going to save my uplifting/non-debbie downer post about iyengar yoga in honolulu changing the lives of me and my favorite wheezie lou (another of big red's nom de plumes) for a day when i'm not having a complete and utter sugar crash! forgive? here are some piccys to tide you over...

alooooooooohaaaaaaaa!

seriously, mahalo for your patience. whoever let me eat chocolate cake for dinner is very silly. i adore you, though.

boo boo...

you ever have one of those days when everything feels gross? i've had a couple of super good cries today. good. ones. long and hard. tony guest left today, back to long beach to be with big red. and after he walked out the door, i stripped myself of my towel (i had just gotten out of the shower), and sat down to write a real gross email. to a guy who is amazing in every regard. every. single. regard. oh, except for the fact that he is in a quasi-committed, but open, relationship with someone that he has very strong (love?) feelings for. no thanks. i wrote really nice things. not exactly what i was really thinking... i won't even write those things here... cause that's just the kind of bad karma bullshit i ain't interested in.

oh and i cried. a lot. cried all the mascara right offa my face. wearing only my undergarments. i think i'm decompressing from the best hawai'i trip, followed by an immediate road trip with tony guest, an overwhelming return to work (with all the stress it is currently involving) as well as the emotional realizations of being single and questioning all this dating in san francisco shit. and then i ate way too many bites of chocolate-chocolate chip cookie dough. what?

so, i've gotta pull myself up by my bootstraps and get rid of this self-pitying crap... jt is on his way to pick me up for the madonna-halftime-show party at jh's house.

so i made a list of the good things and the things i love in my life right now, to help me get rid of the boo boo feelings...

- hawai'i with big red and 22(!!!) teenaged girls.
- time with tony guest.
- this guy... (so loyal and totally loves me all the time, even when my salty tears are making his pretty coat sticky and matted... he stays in my lap, regardless...)

- awesome playlists with girl-power anthems.

- living in california and not some stinky town way over there on the east-coast.

- feria hair color #66, ruby fusion.

- a certain marine friend who plays the big-brother card wayyyyyy too early, but essentially scaring off any possible romantic endeavors with a certain someone. probably don't want someone who scares easily... knowwhatimsayin?!

- brussel sprouts and bacon.

- caribou antlers in my apartment.

- this new (to me) blog... i am obsessed with. 

- dance class tomorrow. thank goddess.

- you. i love you. a lot.

on a day like today, big red would say... take five deep breaths, tell yourself: all is well in my world. i have love and abundance. then put on your favorite outfit and allow yourself to have a beautiful day. i love that woman more than the sun and the moon.

piccys from ffffound.com and my photobooth.

sweet nothing...

i am the worst worst worst at making decisions. well, most of the time. sometimes, when i'm feeling the need for control and i have already made a decision and then ask your opinion, i'm only asking to appear nice. but, really i just want what i want. oh, jeeze. see what i'm saying?

(i mean, how many times have i changed not only the appearance of this blog, and the name....????) shit. runs. deep. y'all.

every time i see a cute girl with cute hair that is different than mine, i think oh, i should do that. even if one looks like this:

and the next looks like this:

it's reasonable to have both, in the same day, riiiiight? (and not actually wear wigs like that one insane (not in a good way) dance teacher i had once. yikes!)

runs deep. or maybe, it's just that i like everything. equally. i hate having to pick one thing that i like better. i hate to make the other thing feel bad. unless, of course, i really love one thing more than the other. like the left. i generally prefer all things left. my left side, sitting on the left side of someone (maybe because tony guest hears better out of his left ear, so sitting on his left side means he'll always hear anything important or clever i might say) and how i can get my left battement soooo much higher than my right (high-kick, rockette style, fyi). oh, jeeze. seriously?

anywho. i forgot why i started posting on this lovely, sunny (!!!!) madonna-halftime-show day (apparently there will also be football... that's the one where they try and hit home runs, right?). 

oh, right... more proof of my ability to make non-decisions. my current favorite playlist... (i'll save the play counts and keep that as private information, it's a leeeeetle bit embarrassing).

1. devil town - tony lucca

2. you've got the love (little noise sessions) - florence + the machine 

3. all the sand in all the sea - devotchka

4. my girl (a capella) - the temptations

5. rainbow - oh land

6. your song - ellie goulding

7. gypsy rose - ben kweller

8. somebody that i used to know - walk off the earth

9. spoken love - k'naan

10. you're the one that i want - the lennings

11. heartlines (acoustic) - florence + the machine

12. first breath after coma - explosions in the sky

see... no overarching theme... nothing tying all these songs together... 'cept of course that i've listened to them an unreasonable amount of times. whoops.

images: what it looked like outside my apartment this morning (on madonna-halftime-show day) here, here. for the record, i tried that sienna miller short do. when i first got to grad school. b.a.d. choice. me and sienna miller are not twinsies. duh. oh, and tony guest is leaving today. sad face all around.

t.a.g. ...

i've never gone into explicit detail about tony guest. tony guest is my dad. he. is. epic. i mean it. and the two of us? we're complicated. in a great way. sometimes i'm astounded at just how similar we are... which sort of explains why we butted heads whilst i was growing up. i don't need to fight, to prove i'm right. he is really the only person i've ever had a shouting match with. (don't worry we forgave each other and moved on).

anywhoodle. he is in san francisco right now, hanging out. we drove from long beach to sf this week after i flew back from hawai'i. (did i mention i went to hawai'i? whoops. mahalo for your patience while i was on hiatus. more on that later... ) the purpose of his trip, you ask? he is here to do stuff. for me... such as... hang hooks on the wall for the dishtowels, hang shelves, paint the trim around the windows, hang hooks for towels in the bathroom. out here in the fields. i farm for my meals. i get my back into my living. oh, and how could i forget?! he brought me caribou antlers. ya. you read that right. antlers from a caribou. don't know what those look like? they're the size of you and me, put together. originally, he wanted to bring me the antlers with the caribou bust still attached. what? i politely suggested that perhaps that big ass 'bou wouldn't so much fit in my tiny ass studio apartment. he respectfully agreed. he's great like that.

take my hand.

we'll travel south cross land.

put out the fire, 

and don't look past my shoulder.

so, here's the thing. tony guest and i just spent the last hour watching every live version we could find of the who's baba o'riley (often mistakenly called teenage wasteland). y'all. for your personal enrichment, read this, then watch this...

epic. EPIC! that guy playing the violin is nigel kennedy. he is retarded amazing. we saw him once live. this was the bill: nigel kennedy plays bach, brahms, bartok and jimi hendrix. duh. he's amazing. oh, and he wore red, high top converse sneaks during the concert. probably, he's another of my soul mates. don't cry. don't raise your eye. it's only teenage wasteland.

back to tony guest. (and probably, you'll start to hear more about him as time goes on) he described to me what it was like to see the who live, in concert, at the great western forum (on a date with big red, no less. swoon city! hellooooooo? can you believe how lucky i am!?!? they made me!). doodle, he says, when we saw the who they played baba o'riley first. and it was darker than beans in that arena. and i was loaded. when the music started, they blew up a keg of flash powder. christ, i thought i was gonna be blind for life. i mean, that was really something. but i was so loaded, i didn't care. the music was just so brilliant. i didn't care!

the happy ones are near.

let's get together,

before we get much older.

did you just fall in love with him too? ah. it really is a brilliant piece of music.

lyrics? duh. read the above, you'll figure it out. that piccy is from pinterest. and why does my dad have a spare caribou in the house? he was a hunter at one point in his life. he "got" that caribou himself. fed he and his crew for two weeks. hope that didn't freak you out. xoxoxoxo